Thanksgiving fun is off the table, says Charlie Baker

Charlie Baker doesn’t want to be just the Grinch who stole Christmas, he wants to steal Thanksgiving, too.

“Today,” he smugly proclaimed Wednesday, “we’re urging everybody to make a difficult choice this Thanksgiving.”

Difficult choices are what Thanksgiving has always been about – dark or white meat? Pumpkin or apple pie? Second helping of stuffing or mashed potatoes?

Everyone faces these difficult choices. Take the governor’s son A.J. – when he looks at the Bakers’ Butterball, does he lunge first for the breast or the thigh?

“If we treat this year just like we treat every other Thanksgiving,” A.J.’s proud father continued, “it’s quite likely that it will trigger a significant spread.”

A significant spread! Isn’t that what Thanksgiving has always been about, since the first one down in Plymouth in 1621?

But Thanksgiving is fun, and fun is now verboten in the Fourth Reich of Maskachusetts. And so Charlie Parker (as Joe Biden calls him) has extended his earlier “no horsing around” edicts to put Thanksgiving out of business after 399 years.

“The best way to celebrate Thanksgiving is to only gather with members of your household, the people you live with.”

Of course, some deniers may try to get around the governor’s diktats. Perhaps you’ll call your dinner a “peaceful protest,” then loot a couple of the few remaining stores in your neighborhood just to prove your point.

Charlie’s all in on mostly peaceful protests. Pay no attention to those shattered storefront windows and spent shell casings out on Tremont Street. They’re not super spreaders either, only protests against the lockdown are.

Or to get around the “guidance,” perhaps you could declare that your dinner is a funeral – for your pet turkey. In lieu of flowers, bring pies.

In Maskachusetts now, every aspect of human life must be regulated by the Ministry of Truth. And Charlie’s got his favorite agency – the Department of Public Health – standing by.

“DPH’s guidance outlines the risks associated with gatherings and has some tips about how important it is to wear masks and how to prepare food and serve it safely.”

Remember, this is the same DPH with two chemists who went to prison for falsifying 65,000 criminal drug tests. This is the same DPH that is supposed to regulate nursing homes – the death houses where 6629 of the state’s 10,407 COVID-19 victims have perished, after their bosses gave $52,000 to the governor.

After having done such a spectacular job on all of the above, the DPH will now instruct you how to cook your Ovenstuffer.

What could possibly go wrong?

The object of all these daily apocalyptic warnings from Charlie and his crew of overpaid hacks is to terrify the populace into submission. Like the text message yesterday on your cell phone from the $183,443-a-year hack commissioner of the DPH – quarantines, stay-at-home advisories, etc.

“Respect the stay-at-home advisory,” the governor said. “Stay at home between 10 p.m. and 5 a.m.”

Because, apparently, the virus only works a seven-hour shift, the third shift. It’s a union thing, I guess.

“We all need to continue to appreciate the havoc the virus can wreak when it gets into the wrong places at the wrong times.”

For example, at his own Holyoke Soldiers Home, where 76 aged veterans died. And now, the hack who gave $950 to Charlie and $1000 to his lieutenant governor is under indictment for criminal negligence.

When are Charlie and Karyn going to give that blood money back?

Charlie couldn’t keep anyone safe at his own nursing homes, but now he purports to micromanage the health of almost 7 million residents of the Commonwealth.

College kids who test positive? “They need to isolate in campus housing designed for COVID positive students.”

In other words, the 21st century version of Animal House’s “double secret probation.”

Charlie has tried to make this virus into his own personal cult. He’s the pope of panic porn. But he doesn’t seem to grasp that if you’re running a cult, a prophet has to offer a carrot along with the stick – eternal life, peace of mind, 72 virgins, something.

Rewards are the sine qua non of a successful new religion. But Charlie’s Cult of the Mask only offers, at best, an endless purgatory – huddled at home, unable to leave the state, no job, no fun, wearing a mask 24/7 and watching local-news airheads hyperventilating about “spiking” cases.

Maskachusetts is just one endless bummer.

At his press conference, Pope Parker was again exhorting the sheeple to take tests. Tests are the nearest thing the Cult of the Mask offers to a sacrament – you have to take them, over and over and over again. It’s their Holy Communion.

But Charlie’s sermonizing goes astray when he lets the cat out of the bag – that they only measure whether you have the virus “tuh-day,” as he says.

“A test is not a Kevlar vest,” he admitted. “Okay? It’s a moment in time.”

Of course it is. That’s what most of us roll our eyes when he brings it up, as if “tests” that measure “cases” somehow mean deaths, which makes them the Holy Grail, or something.

But Charlie, if you want to put this new racket, I mean cult, over, you have to stay on point. Tell your befuddled low-info followers that they have to take the test… or they will die. And tell them it’s 100 percent effective.

Remember what Abraham Lincoln said, “You can fool some of the people all of the time.”

Those are your people Charlie, the ones who can’t read charts. Give them a drumstick.