Trump is blamed for everything

Donald J. Trump – is there anything he can’t do?

I ask this after the most recent example of his omniscient omnipresence in every single headline issue of the day – in this case the Jussie Smollett hate-crime hoax in Chicago.

When the shocking crime was first reported, it was naturally blamed on Trump – two homophobic MAGA-hat wearing rednecks, assaulting a gay black D-list actor and looping a noose around his neck. How predictable… NOT!

But now that it’s been exposed as the most cynical of frauds, guess what – it’s still Trump’s fault.

On Friday, the soon-to-be ex-mayor of Chicago blamed Smollett’s crimes on the “toxic environment” created by the president. Now that really was predictable!

Of course, Rahm Emanuel had no choice. A few hours earlier, at his rally in Grand Rapids, Trump had said he agreed with Emanuel’s assessment of Smollett’s despicable behavior. Even though he’s about to leave office, the Democrat mayor had no choice but to denounce the president. Otherwise, he’d be shunned forever in polite PC circles.

But this is only the most recent example of the president’s God-like powers. He is living rent-free, as the old cliché goes, in ever so many people’s heads.

Take Lena Dunham and Barbra Streisand. Please, take them! Anyway, Barbra Streisand is putting on weight. Guess whose fault it is.

“It’s making me fat,” she said last fall. “I hear what he said now, and I have to go eat pancakes.”

Simultaneously, however, Trump is also a one-man Weight Watchers, a non-invasive bariatric weight-reduction operation for Beautiful People. Right, newly svelte Lena Dunham?

“Donald Trump became president and I stopped being able to eat food.”

In other words, when Trump leaves office, you may never see any more of those diet-plan ads on TV with Marie Osmond or Joe Montana. It’ll be all-Trump, all the time.

Trump also caused the late Barbara Bush’s heart attack – that was another of his evil deeds that was reported in past few days.

How many times have you read that Trump was responsible for the synagogue attack in Pittsburgh? Pay no attention to the fact that the actual shooter’s social media was full of anti-Trump denunciations. That was just a clever false flag, don’t you know.

In the midst of all his other nefarious deeds, Trump is now also running organized crime in his hometown of New York. Earlier this month, Frankie Boy Cali, the boss of the Gambino Crime Family, got whacked on Staten Island by a nutty construction worker whom Frankie Boy had ordered to stay away from his niece.

But when the hitman went to court, his lawyer came up with a new alibi.

“Hate words that have been spewed by citizens,” the lawyer said, “including politicians, including right at the White House, those words matter, and they have an effect.”

And now Frankie Boy sleeps with the fishes. From Don Corleone to Don Trump….

Donald Trump is responsible for the stock market – but only if the DJIA goes down. If it goes up, Obama did it. Ditto, gas prices. Trump causes all price fluctuations – at least if the cost of a gallon rises, as it has lately. If the price goes down – nothing to see here, folks, move along.

He caused the recent power blackouts in Venezuela – just ask the country’s Stalinist dictator. His tax-reform plan is destroying the New York state budget – just ask Gov. Cuomo. He’s wrecked Chris Evans’ man crush on Tom Brady. This would be even more significant if I knew who Chris Evans is.

That shooting at the newspaper office in Annapolis last year. So what if the killer had a grudge with the reporters going back five years. He was still triggered by Trump’s toxic environment, er, poisonous rhetoric, er, something….

Trump is responsible for all wildfires in California, even though the feds tried to get the state to change its brush-clearing policy even before the bureaucrats in Sacramento realized the folly of their ways. Those floods in Nebraska – global warming, dude. Same with those kids in Thailand trapped in the cave – like, those monsoons totally wouldn’t have happened if Trump hadn’t pulled us out of the Paris Climate whatever-it-is.

Come to think of it, Trump is the political version of “climate change.” Anything that happens – anything! – can be blamed on him. Cyberbullying, smaller tax refunds (after withholding was reduced), government shutdowns – there is no headache that he is not responsible for.  If a Mexican wino dies of cirrhosis of the liver 12 hours after breaking into the country for a free ride – Trump murdered him! (That scenario has happened twice now.)

Mick Mulvaney, his acting chief of staff, tried to call out this silly finger-pointing a few weeks ago – even before his boss whacked Frankie Boy, set up Jussie Smollett, and word leaked how he’d caused Barbara Bush’s heart attack.

“I want to push back,” Mulvaney said on TV, “against this idea that every time something bad happens around the world, folks who don’t like Donald Trump seem to blame it on Donald Trump.”

Oh sure. Next thing you know, you’ll be telling me he didn’t contaminate all the salad makings, by ordering ICE to deport agricultural workers whom agribusiness didn’t have time to replace…. I read that on the Internet, it must be true, right?

Is there anything Trump can’t do? Anything evil, that is.