Police Blotter Fax: My Emotional-Support Hairless Rat [MUGSHOTS]

Sure, you’ve been around the Police Blotter block. Maybe you have your favorite flavor of ridiculous local crime, whether that’s a naked man, transgenders in the news, animals, or intoxication.

Could you ever imagine all of them combined in one story? Today’s your lucky day.

First, let us present our runners-up, an amalgamation of the usual nonsense in the news cycle.

5 Arrested, 2 Injured in 30-Person Fight During Green Bay Funeral Service | MOLLY RUFFING – Fox 11 News

  • The final nail in the coffin was the assault of an officer.

30-Year-Old Flees Police into Thick Brush in Kona; Later Calls Dispatch Because He’s Lost [MUGSHOT] | Big Island Now

  • It’s kind of like when your kid claims he’s going to run away and gets as far as the driveway before realizing he can’t make dinner for himself.

Box-Wearing Thief Drops Disguise Long Enough to Reveal Face, Helping Lead to Arrest [VIDEO] | DAVID PROPPER – New York Post

  • His teachers always told him to think out-of-the-box. Turns out that led to his criminal downfall.

Wife Assaulted with Chicken Wings Seeks Court Protection from Husband [MUGSHOT] | The Villages News

  • Some go for premeditated assault. This guy decided to wing it instead!

Motorists Shocked when Driver Hops out of Car, Fills Up Gas Tank Completely Naked [PHOTO] | EMMA COLTON – FOX News

  • He wants to promote “positivity,” he claims. More like positively painful!

New Mexico Woman Finds Cocaine on Sonic Hot Dog | TOMMY LOPEZ – KOB 4

  • So that’s how Joey Chestnut does it!

Police Surround House in Cotuit After Wanted Man Leads Officer on Pursuit [MUGSHOT] | ROBERT BASTILLE – Hyannis News

  • The mugshot doesn’t feature the alleged snake around the fella’s neck.

Don’t let the simplicity of this headline keep you from reading it in its entirety. Perhaps you should grab your emotional support hairless rat before taking in the absolute buffoonery of this week’s winning story:

Individual Identifying as Woman Arrested after Brawl with Police | RUSS OLIVO – The Woonsocket Call

  • He’s got the progressive crime narrative down. He knows he can bring his trusty rodent anywhere if he calls it his “service animal.” And if he wants to be in a women’s prison, all he has to do is identify as one—even after flashing his you-know-what at the cops!

We’ll be back next week LIVE at 5:30 EST with the next round of Police Blotter Fax because, trust us, there’s no shortage of lunacy in the news. If you see an article you think is worthy of such caliber, send it along to [email protected]!

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