INTRODUCING: THE GENDER AFFIRMATION PARTY [SATIRE]

ATTENTION, PARENT 1: Now that your adolescent has declined your incredibly selfless and altruistic offer for puberty blockers, we understand that some natural phenomena (unconfirmed by experts, though some have suggested “love”) may be spurring you to safely host a celebration for them.

Bax Mitzvahs (formerly Bar/Bat Mitzvahs, but in the name of inclusivity The Howie Carr Show will remain neutral) are so yesterday. And sure, you yourself may have been feted at a special Confirmation dinner complete with the attendance of your parents’ birthing and non-birthing persons. But that was last century! No one on your For You Page even knows what a Confirmation is.

Obviously, any remnant of organized religion is out the window.

Before we proceed, we want to acknowledge that past guilt is common, and should be acknowledged. We understand that 12 short years ago you sent your sealed ultrasound to the local bakery and asked them to bake a blue or pink cake depending on the sex to be assigned at the fetus’ birth.

You were ignorant. And you are not alone.

We understand that between then and now, the dawning of the dawn, you’ve utilized plenty of Internet resources and local activism training sessions to educate yourself on gender fluidity.

Now you know that the “gender reveal” party is so out. That it’s inherently bigoted and constrictive. Two genders? Come on.

Now you know ultrasounds are a hoax perpetrated by the patriarchy to oppress uterus-possessors. At one point, you really thought that thumping sound was a human heart—not merely electro-waves. Pregnancy brain, much?

Now you realize how restrictive that horrid color scheme was, not only toward your fetus but also toward those you invited to your “gender reveal” party. How narrow-minded you were, thinking blue must equal cis-male!

But now you know that gender is simply a social construct, and that the preconceived notions you pushed upon your now-adolescent may be forever traumatizing. What if they would have chosen differently between birth and puberty?

And think about it—hosting a “gender reveal” party assumes you’ll still want to go through the excruciating pain of childbirth. If the birthing person decides to terminate a few weeks later, what the heck were all those balloons for? Speaking of which, the carbon footprint of a balloon is greater than a Deplorable’s F150 pickup truck. I trust that your neighborhood climate justice allies have informed you of this by now.

But I digress.

Way back when, you didn’t realize your bigotry, so only some nominal reparations will be assessed. Those are to be discussed in future educational resources. Stay on the lookout.

But don’t let the thought of atonement or ESG sacrifice ruin your enjoyment potential right now. Cover up all your past mistakes with the answer to your party-planning problems.

Allow us to introduce: The Gender Affirmation Party.

The Gender Affirmation Party is entirely secular. Religious symbols and rhetoric can be triggering, so we urge you to ban toasts, traditional songs, or really any sort of structure throughout the duration of the event.

The Gender Affirmation Party is also entirely calendar-customizable.

It will be a great milestone for the adolescent who decides to transition. It can commemorate their coming out, the establishment of new pronouns, the onset of hormone therapy, their completion of surgery—you name it!

For the adolescent on puberty blockers, they may hold off on picking a date until they are sure they want to enter puberty. It’s a tough decision!

And for the adolescent who, much to your chagrin, decides to choose cis—thereby reinforcing a gender duopoly—the Gender Affirmation Party can still be beneficial. It serves as a great way for them to announce their solidarity and ally-ship with the 2SLGBTQIAA+ community.

Recommended decorations for their Gender Affirmation Party include biodegradable streamers and compostable cutlery. Many GAPs feature a slideshow of the adolescent’s gender-affirming journey displayed by a solar- or wind-powered projector.

Although color scheme is, ultimately, up to the host, we recommend building out your color family from Pantone 448 C. While dress codes oppress, persuade guests not to wear gender-fascist colors like blue or pink. Or any shade of red—the color of Republicans and fascists, as if there’s any difference.

Of course, masks will be optional for those who have received their second booster.

We cannot recommend enough featuring the Intersex-Inclusive Progress Pride Flag somewhere at your shindig. It’ll be the perfect topper for your eggless, flourless cupcakes or a great background for your paperless invitations.

If you follow these guidelines, your Gender Affirmation Party is bound to be a hit among your followers on TikTok and Twitter as well as your neighbors and friends.

Have fun! And have no fear post-party depression. Remember, gender is constantly changing, so this may not even be your adolescent’s last GAP!

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