Finally, an awards show I’m interested in – the first annual Fake News Awards, to be unveiled Monday at 5 p.m. by President Donald J. Trump at the White House.
Will there be a red carpet – or perhaps it should be pink, to commemorate all the parlor pinks in the alt-left media will be receiving the august honors? And by the way, what will we call the actual trophies? So many names are taken – Oscars, Emmys, Golden Globes, etc.
So let’s call the Fake News awards the Barnicles, for obvious reasons.
May all the fake newsers be showered in applause – golden showers.
You know this is one of those situations where all the card-carrying fellow travelers are actually fervently hoping that they win – it’s like the Nixon Enemies list, or Whitey Bulger’s list of defense witnesses who were reporters. To be included was a badge of honor, not to make the list was a humiliation. (I was too young for Nixon’s, but by God I made Whitey’s list!)
Mr. President, here are my nominees for your first annual Fake News Awards:
Best Fake-News Fake Republican: A crowded field, including among others David Frum, Bill Kristol and George Will. But the winner is Jennifer Rubin of the Washington Post, who was against the Paris climate accords until Trump was, after which she loved them. She was against DACA until Trump denounced the Dreamers, after which she flip-flopped. She was totally in favor of moving the US embassy in Israel to Jerusalem until – well, you get the picture.
Best election-night 2016 weeping live on air: Martha Raddatz, ABC News.
Lifetime-achievement award for fake news, cable-news division: CNN for falsely reporting, among many other things, Anthony Scaramucci’s ties to Russians (three hacks fired); that James Comey would tell Congress he never told Trump he wasn’t under investigation re: Russia; that Nancy Sinatra complained about Trump using her father’s music at his inauguration; that a Republican donor financed the dodgy dossier; that Donald Trump, Jr. got early access to stolen DNC emails; that Trump poisoned koi fish in Japan; that Trump didn’t know that Japanese car manufacturers had factories in the US….
Chuck Bednarik two-way player award, to that rabid-leftist hack who is both a fake newser and a sexual harrasser: Glenn Thrush of the New York Times, who in addition to touching everything but the third rail, sent his stories to the Clinton campaign to make sure he didn’t say anything bad about Democrats. (Thrush is currently in “rehab.”)
The Alamo Award: to Yahoo News, for falsely reporting that President Trump was planning to invade Mexico.
Thanks for Nothing Award: to veteran fake-newser Brian Ross of ABC News, for not returning for his one-month suspension for lying about when Trump ordered Gen. Michael Flynn to reach out to the Russians.
The I Have a Dream, or Maybe A Hallucination Award: to Time magazine, for falsely reporting that Trump had removed the bust of MLK Jr. from the Oval Office, because when the crack scribe looked for it, someone was standing in front of the bust, blocking his view.
Most significant Democrat operative with a press pass who used to be on the payroll of the Clinton Crime Family: George Stephanopoulos of ABC News edges CNN’s Jake Tapper, who used to be employed by Chelsea Clinton’s politician mother-in-law, who is married to an ex-Congressman from Iowa who went to prison for stealing $10 million.
Fake-news hack with a goatee: The nominees include Wolf Blitzer of CNN, but the winner is F. Chuck Todd of NBC “News” because not only is a former coat holder for stolen-valor Iowa Sen. Tom Harkin, but also because Todd’s wife has been a consultant for such Democrat sleazes as John Edwards, Gary Condit and a whole host of others.
Worst second-generation fake-news hack: Nominees include John Dickerson of CBS, who exhorted Obama to “destroy” the GOP and John Harwood of NBC, who sent emails of advice to Clinton campaign manager John Podesta. Envelope please — the winner is Jacob Bernstein of the New York Times, son of Carl “Golden Showers” Bernstein, who called Melania Trump a hooker.
Lifetime-achievement fake news award, print division: Washington Post, for falsely reporting, among many other things, that Russia hacked the US electric-power gird (it was a guy checking his email); that Trump’s late father Fred when he was running for mayor of NYC ran blatantly anti-black TV spots (he never ran for mayor; the “ads” were an Internet parody); that no one showed up at Trump’s December rally in Pensacola (the Post had to apologize for that bogus report); for Dana Milbank having one of his 2016 columns actually written by the Hillary campaign….
Accepting the coveted Barnicle for the Post is editor Martin Barron, who won his first Barnicle when he was editor of the Boston Globe, which revealed the bombshell video of US troops in Iraq raping Iraqi women… only it turned out the video was in fact a porn movie.
One last thing, Mr. President. There’s so much material here, are you sure this is just a one-hour awards show? This could be a mini-series, or in fact, a maxi-series.
Good luck to all you fake newsers Monday. Break a leg!
(Order Howie’s new book Kennedy Babylon at howiecarrshow.com.)
