Why Worry? Biden Has You Covered

Is anyone really worried about the “debt ceiling?”

Fill in your own doomsday headline or chyron here — Deadline nears… Default looms… Wall Street Chaos… Taking Hostages….

If people were concerned, cable news ratings would be going up, rather than down.

And do you know why nobody is sweating over state-run media’s latest sky-is-falling walls-are-closing-in narrative? It’s because Dementia Joe Biden is in charge, and as he told us recently:

“I know more than the vast majority of people.”

Obviously. That’s why everyone is just going on about their normal Memorial Day preparations, shopping for steaks for the barbecue and boycotting Bud Light. Because Mr. and Mrs. John Q. Sixpack understand that Brandon has a firm grasp on not just the federal budget, but on everything else.

For this month’s Weekend at Brandon’s column, we begin with the budget impasse. As usual all dialogue guaranteed verbatim. Here he is, bragging about his mastery of the debt, er deficit, er whatever.

“Unlike the last guy my first two years we cut the deficit one-point-seven billion dollars trillion trillion trillion dollars not billion trillion dollars.”

Can you expand on your accomplishments, Brandon? Take your time. We’ve got all day here.

“And there’s a lot of others. For example, the idea we’re uh in terms of uh taxes that they refuse to for example we uh I was able to balance the budget and pass everything from the global-warming bill anyway I was able to cut by one-point-seven billion dollars in the first two years the deficit we er were were accumulating and uh because I was able to say that the 55 corporations in America that made 40 four hundred billion dollars or 40 billion dollars 400 billion dollars that uh they us they pay zero in tax zero….”

You think it’s easy, transcribing these musings? Even the official White House stenographer has problems. This is a transcript from May 9 on the White House website:

“I – we cut the deficit by $160 billion – billion – B-I-L-O-I-O-N – dollars on the Medicare deal. We cut the deficit by raising the tax on people making – 55 corporations tht made $40 billion to 15 percent. And the list goes on. So –“

Yesterday I listened to that actual sound cut. To me, it sounded like Biden spelled “billion” correctly. He just slurred the second l. It could go either way, so I’m going with Brandon’s own official transcript – B-I-L-O-I-O-N.

After his visit to Japan, Biden mentioned his meeting with the leader of South Korea, “President Loon.” His name is Yoon, not Loon.

At a Muslim event, Biden referred to the Koran as “the Quorum.” He called out a basketball player named “Kareem Alj Alj Abdul Jabbar.”

Then there was his press event on airline accountability.

“United Airlines also took important steps towards guaranteeing free family seating beyond not in other not cost beyond the cost of the original cost of the ticket.”

This month the president had a big problem with a small word, fees, as in, “As I said baggage freeze fees are bad enough without you knowing the costs.”

So Brandon has a solution: “I continue to call on Congress to pass the Junk Free Protection Act.”

The White House transcript helpfully corrected “Free” to “Fee.” But that wasn’t the only correction that day. Why they ever let him give out web addresses is beyond me.

“We just launched a new website flightsright.gov. Flightsright.gov.”

Correction, Brandon. It’s flightrights.gov.

Overall It’s been another great month for the president. He’s defended the rights of “LBT” students. Other topics of discussion have included the need for EV’s to have “500,000 surging tations,” the budget’s “discretionary spunding” and “out of pocket drub prices.”

In recent remarks, partners become “partisans,” the governor of Florida is “Rand DeSantis” and the star attraction of Disneyworld is “Bickey Mickey Mouse.” He reads “appliances” as “suppliances,” partners as “partisans,” meals as “males” and fees as “foos.”

Asked by a reporter about the recent election in Turkey, he replied, “Look I just hope it goes whoever wins, wins.”

A few more of Brandon’s Greatest Hits, May edition:

“It’s about being able to lick your kid in the eye and say honey it’s going to be okay and mean it.”

“They’d rather see kids and seniors struggle with eat what they need.”

“It would slash funding for Small Business Administration inspector general who fights fraud and abuse to keep this president, this program on the level.”

“Good morning um afternoon bestar before we start.”

“Birn in Bormingham born in Birmingham.”

“… combating anti-Ama American anti-Asian hate….”

“The group included groundbreaking Asian Americans like Vera Wang and and and Joan Shingang Shin I’m I’m going to pronounce it wrong Shagaha Kawawa.”

(Correction per White House transcript: Shigekawa. Close enough for government work, I suppose.)

“If your flight is very delayed or cancelled and the airline could have prevented that from you deserve more than just getting the price of your ticket you deserve to be fully compensated.”

“I know these things may not matter to the very wealthy but they matter most to middle-class families of people struggling to get the cost of in the first place of getting on that airline and and so look –“

(Not such a big deal for his son Hunter, though, who this week took a private jet to Arkansas to plead poverty to a judge considering the appeal of Hunter’s stripper baby mama for an increase in child support for the granddaughter the president refuses to acknowledge is his own.)

And finally, Brandon’s most recent reworking of the Declaration of Independence:

“The only nation in the history of the world based on an idea that we hold these truths to be self-evident that all men and woman are created equal endowed by their creator with certain inalienable rights life liberty et cetera….”

May we quote you on that, Mr. President?