When will lawmakers return to the police blotter?

Believe it or not, not a single state rep was arrested for drunk driving in 2020. It was indeed a year for the record books.

This endless, needless panic has been a boon for local politicians in so many ways — even less accountability, next to no public events to attend, challengers unable to campaign, total avoidance of constituents, etc.

It’s been a godsend for the hacks in another way, too. If the payroll patriots aren’t out and about driving, especially late at night, they’re a lot less likely to be getting bagged for OUI.

Believe it or not, not a single state rep was arrested for drunk driving in 2020. It was indeed a year for the record books.

I was thinking about this phenomenon recently while watching video of the arrest of Michigan state Rep. Jewell Jones by the State Police out there. It was a classic — the Democrat drove into a ditch, the woman with him was vomiting and pantless, he had a gun in his cup holder, his blood alcohol content was double the legal limit.

He threatened the cops, telling them he would call the governor (“Gretchen”) and the state police colonel (“Joe”). He then warned them, “It’s not going to be good for you. I’ll run y’all budget bro.”

After which he demanded that the cops take him home to his “crib.” Did I mention Rep. Jones’ vanity license plate — ELECTED?

We haven’t had one of these do-you-know-who-I-am?’s in Massachusetts since the Panic began. Where are the tosspots of yesteryear? There hasn’t been a single induction into the State House Alcohol of Fame since 2019.

Remember Rep. Paul Kujawski of Webster? He was once charged with relieving himself on a state trooper’s boot after ingesting a bad ice cube.

Asked by the police if he needed to visit the emergency room, Kujo replied, “I may have.”

Forgotten but not gone. He’s still collecting a state pension of $36,468.72 a year. His brother made $124,000 last year in his hack state job and Kujo’s son grabbed another $68,000.

Then there was Sen. Anthony Galluccio of Cambridge, with a thirst so great it would cast a shadow. After his second bust — a hit-and-run after a Patriots game — he was put under what amounted to house arrest with orders to stay sober. Less than a week later, probation showed up early one morning to give the senator a random breathalyzer, and he flunked.

Galluccio blamed it all on his toothpaste. He’d forgotten the old saying, Don’t do the Sensodyne if you can’t do the time.

It was a running joke for weeks, another State House scandal – Col-gate. What was Galluccio’s brand of toothpaste – Harvey’s Bristol Gleem? Arm and Hammered? Black and Whitener?

The judge threw him into the House of Correction. He became known as Jailuccio.

Then there was Rep. Brian Dempsey of Haverhill. Profession: “legislator.” There’s your first clue right there. He was Haverhill’s honky-tonk hero. He graduated from Haverhill High (in more ways than one).

The local cops took the statesman into protective custody one Father’s Day after he was brawling with his brother in his mom’s living room.

He got pulled over in December 2003 and claimed he’d only been imbibing cough syrup and codeine-fortified Tylenol. (This was around the same time a House speaker blamed his own obstruction of justice conviction on too much Advil.)

At the time Dempsey was lugged, it was 2:30 a.m. The cop asked the solon what time it was.

“Midnight?” he asked.

Dempsey is now a lobbyist. That means he gets to buy the rounds, instead of enjoying them on the arm.

Then there was Sen. Mike Brady, D-Joe Angelo’s Cafe in Brockton.

On his second offense, Brady got bagged in Weymouth, which is kind of a Bermuda Triangle for these hacks. (An earlier casualty was then-Rep. Emmet Hayes, who later married Shannon O’Brien, who became state treasurer, which runs the Lottery, where Brady began his squalid hack career — it’s a small world, the hackerama.)

Hayes, by the way, also went on to become a lobbyist — lotta that going on around too, with these lovable losers and no-account boozers.

This is from the police report on one of Brady’s sobriety tests, also known as the Sidewalk Olympics. He was asked to recite the alphabet:

“BRADY slurred the letters together to get to H, I, J, repeated the letters H, I, J, gave Officer Hubbard and I a look of confusion, then stated Z.”

Like most state senators, Brady was also unable to count backwards from 60 to 40, becoming confused in the 40s, after which he began mumbling thirty-something numbers.

After his conviction, Brady apologized, saying he should be held to a “higher standard.” (Fill in your own joke here about “high.”)

Brady was demoted in late 2019, the Panic began soon thereafter and there’s been nothing since. Well, not nothing — maybe an early-morning repo or two — but not anything like what happened to Rep. Jewell Jones earlier this month.

But now even Gov. Charlie Baker is realizing he can’t keep this absurd gag going forever, as much as he might want to. The more the state opens up, the more trouble these reprobates will be getting into.

I predict at least one arrest of a state rep for OUI before Labor Day — a return to normalcy!

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