Trooper’s Testimony at Karen Read Trial Magically Unclear

Where the hell is Trooper Michael Proctor, the lead cop in the Karen Read murder investigation?

Is the knucklehead cop still searching for nude photos of Read on her cell phone – as he leeringly told his fellow semi-literate high-school buddies from Can-UHN?

Proctor is the little crooked cop who isn’t there at the trial in Dedham. His name has been coming up about once every 30 seconds. But Proctor himself is MIA, and apparently none of the parties are allowed to mention his whereabouts.

Did he spend yesterday at a disciplinary hearing at MSP headquarters in Framingham – the jury hasn’t been told that he’s under investigation by the MSP’s Internal Affairs unit because… hackerama.

Did Proctor’s lovely bride ever collect that gift that he thoughtfully told his fellow townies known as “the McAlberts” to send to her, rather than him, after he slapped the cuffs on Karen Read?

Yesterday, Read’s defense lawyer Alan Jackson finally got a chance to cross-examine Sgt. Bukhenik. But Jackson’s mind was on a different bent trooper.

JACKSON: “Trooper Proctor, you were notified –“

BUKHENIK: “I am not Trooper Proctor.”

JACKSON: “I’m sorry. No you’re not. Uh, Sgt. Buke-nik –“

BUKHENIK: “Sgt. Bu-ken-ik.”

JACKSON: “How is it –?”

BUKHENIK: “Bu-ken-ik.”

JACKSON: “Bu-ken-ik? Is that better?”

BUKHENIK: “Yes. That’s better. Thank you.”

Actually, it wasn’t much better. Bukhenik is in a terrible place, and not just because he’s thrown in as the backup quarterback for a team that’s trying to throw the game. He can’t answer like an honest man would because, well, you know.

The prosecution has videotape, apparently with multiple jump cuts, from the Canton Police Department garage. The “evidence” against Read, such as it is, involves pieces of broken tail light. They come from the vehicle that the cops claim Read drove to kill her BPD boyfriend.

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So Jackson stopped the CPD garage video at the point when someone in a black hat (appropriately enough) is lurking around the tail light.

Guess who was wearing a black hat – the aforementioned Proctor. Jackson asked the sergeant if he could identify the black hat as Michael Proctor.

“I can’t,” Proctor, er Bukhenik began, “I don’t want to be locked into a statement where later on, you show me it’s somebody else, magically. I can’t testify to that.”

Magically? You mean, like by producing some real evidence, as opposed to concocting out of thin air to frame somebody?

You know what would really be magical? The State Police doing something right, or at least honestly.

The crime scene is the lawn outside a house at 34 Fairview Street that was owned by another Boston police officer.

Jackson asked Proctor-Bukhenik, did the state cops “secure” the inside of the other cop’s house at 34 Fairview?

“We did not secure the home.”

Did you secure the outside of the home?

“I did not, no.”

But he said the staties did arrive for an on-scene search on the day of O’Keefe’s death, Jan. 29, 2022. The “search” by those crack Keystone Kops began at 5:41 p.m. Sunset that day was at 4:55.

“I was not present,” Bukhenik said.

But the cops found a lot of “fragments” of tail light in the days ahead. Usually when something breaks, whatever it is, you find the biggest pieces first, then the smaller ones.

But at 34 Fairview Street, as the days went by, they found ever larger pieces of taillight. Very, very important evidence, the prosecutors have said. They made a really big score on Feb. 10. They found six pieces of broken taillight.

It was such important evidence that none of these clownish hack cops bothered to even log the evidence in until… March 14.

JACKSON: “There is no log, is there?”

BUKHENIK: “I do not know.”

Even though the state cops never went inside 34 Fairview Street, or to the police station, they did go to the home of Jennifer McCabe, a menopausal housewife with bad teeth whose phone records indicate that at 2:27 a.m. she google-searched: “Hos (sic) long to die in cold?”

Hey, that’s the one the troopers needed to talk to. Jen McCabe, star of “Real Housewives of Canton.”

Even at the absolute top of his game, Bukhenik presents as someone with the IQ of a soft-boiled egg. That’s why he wears cuff links. Cool guys wear cuff links.

But when he’s been questioned by a fellow payroll patriot like prosecutor Adam Lally, he can at least speak in complete, if incomprehensible sentences, as he did on Wednesday when talking about his distance from defendant Karen Read’s parents’ house in Dighton.

“She was sittin’ on the couch. I don’t recall if there was a coffee table but if there was a coffee table, we would standing on the opposite side of that coffee table if there was one present I do not remember if there was one present.”

But when he gets flustered, his English fails him. He goes all dems-dese-dose. Yesterday, he was asked about the incredible coincidence of running into the chief of police in Canton, another hack townie named Ken Berkowitz.

Bukhenik said he drove by the house every morning in case more tail light fragments appeared. He did this, he said, “on da way to day office just to see if any more items would reveal demselves.”

One morning he drove by and guess who he also saw prospecting that claim at 34 Fairview – Chief Berkowitz. Considering that the Canton PD had been removed from the probe because of its, uh, conflicts, wasn’t the chief’s lurking on the scene a little suspicious?

“I did not find it suspicious at all” Bukhenik said. “He’s da chief of da police in da where he works and drivin’ down the street I mean that’s not suspicious.”

Unlike Inspector Clouseau, Inspector Bukhenik suspects no one. He will leave no stone unturned, except the one the guilty party is hiding under.

But where is Trooper Proctor? Why isn’t he testifying in this kangaroo court? After a half-day yesterday, Jackson told reporters he will be testifying. My first question would be, did you ever find those nude photos of Karen Read?

No court today, because it’s Friday. It’s the hackerama.