Trooper Proctor threw his dismal career away

One corrupt cone head down, many many more to go.

And so farewell, Michael Proctor, the overserved, undereducated “detective” for the Mass. State Police, finally fired this morning for his abysmal misbehavior as a crooked cop over the years, most spectacularly in the ongoing Karen Read miscarriage of justice.

So many lessons here from old songs, starting with, “Drinkin’ doubles don’t make a party.”

What made Milwaukee famous has made a loser out of Trooper Proctor, written off by the new colonel in his dismissal order as “Mr. Proctor.”

To paraphrase Dean Wormer from Animal House, “Bald, corrupt and stupid is no way to go through life, Proctor.”

This guy was a disgrace to Barney Fife.

He was so crooked he needed a corkscrew to get into his jodhpurs in the morning. He threw his dismal career away like a handful of broken pieces of taillight tossed carelessly on a snow-covered crime scene in Canton.

“Proctor Trooper” was what one of the McAlbert shrews affectionately called the loyal stooge during the first Karen Read trial. He was just trying to be a good friend, in the way the term “good friend” is traditionally understood in Canton.

Friends help you move, good friends help you move bodies. Or at least look the other way, and give any witnesses who might create, you know, reasonable doubt, a good leaving alone. Just ask Lucky Loughran, the tow truck driver who didn’t see anything who Proctor, uh, forgot to interview.

In the beginning, Proctor wasn’t even in the middle of Canton’s second cop-involved unsolved murder in as many years. He was just an extra, like his former MSP superiors in “The Departed,” a movie about an earlier generation of crooked cops.

Now, though, Proctor is the first to get two in the hat. That’s how these mob movies always play out. Jack Nicholson doesn’t get hit until the last reel.

And can you imagine how Proctor’s firing must sit with his bride, Lizzie. She’s married to a thuggish dolt with an IQ of 90, tops, and yet he was still grabbing $146,050 in 2023, which now turns out to be his career year.

And that doesn’t even include whatever “gifts” he was funneling to Lizzie, a Proctor m.o. we learned about from those text messages. How did Col. Noble describe them in his you’re-fired memo?

“Derogatory, defamatory, disparaging and/or otherwise inappropriate text messages about a suspect in that investigation.”

What did Proctor say about Karen Read? That she had a “leaky balloon knot?”

Now his wife Lizzie comes to the realization that she may have to go to work as a cocktail waitress, like Leigha Genduso? Is Scuttlebutts hiring? Funky Murphy’s?

Lizzie’s advice, counsels and urgings are no doubt ringing in Michael Proctor’s ears:

“You got fired, you bleepin’ idiot? Why didn’t you go out on the Turnpike – how much money did those guys steal and they’re all getting the kiss in the mail in Florida, even the ones who had to plead out. You bleepin’ idiot!

“Brian Albert’s still got his pension, your drunkard buddy Kevin Albert didn’t get fired for leaving his gun and badge in your cruiser. Even that fat bleep Brian Higgins hasn’t been fired from ATF! What the bleep is wrong with Elon Musk that he can’t DOGE that big POS?”

How’d you like to be getting an earful of that, 24/7? It would give a better man than Michael Proctor a leaky balloon knot, that’s for sure.

Has Proctor Trooper’s old boss, Norfolk County District Attorney Michael “Meatball” Morrissey, been reached for comment yet?

He was out last week for the St. Patrick’s Day times, and he looked more dissipated and bloated than ever, – “a pot-bellied courthouse stooge,” to quote a perfect description of Meatball in a 1953 novel called “The Hot Spot.”

Maybe Meatball can loan Proctor his boat, the Class Action, for a three-hour cruise….

Is it too late for Karen Read to put Proctor on her witness list for the second trial, which starts, appropriately enough, on April 1? Now that he’s got nothing to lose, maybe he’ll flip. As everyone knows, a crooked cop never stands up. Never.

He’s the second Proctor to leave the State Police in utter disgrace. The first was a century ago, for fabricating evidence against Sacco and Vanzetti, framed at a trial in the same Dedham courthouse where Karen Read must now stand trial after her acquittal last summer – there are no Constitutional protections against double jeopardy in Norfolk County.

Not as long as Democrats are in power, at least.

It’s a sad day for Michael Proctor. But he should at least look on the bright side – spring is almost here, and you know what that means.

The landscaping industry is hiring. The cruiser, the badge, the gun, they’re all gone.

But whatever else happens, Proctor, they can’t take your rake and pruning shears away from you.