Today’s lesson at Hack U. is sure to hack you off

As part of our continuing-education program here at Hackerama University, today’s lecture concerns three important principles in How to Maximize Your Kiss in the Mail:

This morning’s topics include Group 4, the double-dip, and what is known as “unused” sick and vacation pay.

Let’s start with unused vacation and sick pay, which, oddly enough, most commonly accrues in obscenely large amounts not to rank-and-file state workers, but to those who are actually charged with keeping track of time sheets, namely managers.

Periodic half-hearted attempts are made to minimize, shall we say, the acquisition of such end-of-career perks. Yet somehow the payouts seem to grow ever larger, especially at the level of universities, which used to be more modestly called colleges, and even before that, “normal schools.”   

Dana Mohler-Faria was for many years the president of Bridgewater Normal School, er State College, er University. His pension is currently $184,980.82 a year, and until it was discovered, the “trustees” of the school were duking him another 100 large in, ahem, consulting payments.

But wait, there was more — when he finally officially extracted his snout from the public trough in 2015, Mohler-Faria grabbed another $269,984 for that good old unused sick and vacation time. At Bridgewater State.

Normal school, abnormal money.

Then there’s Daniel Asquino, hack emeritus president of the world-renowned Mount Wachusett Community College. On top of his $173,981-a-year pension, he pocketed $334,138 in the traditional unused vacation-sick time when he cashed out three years ago.

Naturally, all the deputy associate senior interim assistant vice junior hacklings and hackettes underneath the boss bandits at the commonwealth’s below-normal schools have been likewise settling up for super big bucks when they reach the checkout counter.

Next, Group 4, which is public safety, and no one begrudges real first-responders cashing out at a younger age. But how much real stress is there in running, say, the spectacularly corrupt Massachusetts State Police, whose motto is To Protect and Steal?

Talk about scandals — covering up multiple crimes committed by offspring of the politically connected, hiring drug-dealing gangster molls as troopers, one entire troop becoming an organized crime family, not to mention assorted shootouts, domestic-abuse cases, multiple drunk driving arrests, troopers exposing themselves at country-music concerts, getting into brawls in Vegas, etc. etc.

Good job, MSP brass! And that’s why they’re grabbing the big bucks in their dotage.

Ex-Col. Richard McKeon — $170,166.72 a year. He was succeeded by the exceptionally talented Kerry Gilpin, whose name I can’t yet find on the latest pension list, but considering her $242,000-a-year salary at the end (which she was supplementing with a real-estate license) she should be looking at a kiss in the mail of approximately $181,500 a year.

McKeon’s top coat-holder was chrome dome Dan Risteen. As soon as the State Police’s official name became “embattled,” Lt. Col. Risteen checked out — $160,389.48 a year. His buddy (who appeared with him in the movie about crooked cops, “The Departed”) was Francis Hughes, the deputy superintendent.

Hughes cashed out a few months ahead of his pal Risteen, and now collects $174,868.94 a year.

But the biggest opportunity for your no-heavy-lifting state kleptocrat is the traditional double dip. Pay attention, class.

Let’s consider double dipping the way they might at the Harvard Biz School — with case studies, from the open and gross hackerama known as the state judiciary.

Judge Christine McAvoy was once lugged for DUI on 128. No problemo, continued without a finding, wink wink nudge nudge. Maybe she’s not drinkin’ doubles anymore, but she is double dipping — $121,331 as a retired judge, and $12,667 as an ex-DA.

She’s not the only one. Paul Leary was a loyal Bulger payroll patriot — Jackie Bulger’s ex-wife worked for him down at the West Roxbury District Court. He’s a double dipper of course — $83,796 as a judge and $50,881 as an erstwhile Suffolk County prosecutor.

Speaking of Jackie, he lost his kiss in the mail when he went to prison on an organized-crime rap involving his serial-killing cocaine-dealing gangster brother. Sad, because he was another courthouse layabout — Jackie got his clerkship in Pemberton Square when an odious hack named Paul Heffernan was handed some black robes and kicked upstairs.

Heffernan retired in 2003, and has since been collecting two pensions — $91,827 as a judge, and $23,761 for his old hack job in the juvenile court.

Meanwhile, his daughter followed him into the hackerama — Mary Beth Heffernan became a judge after yeoman service covering up the mysterious 108 mph traffic accident of bust-out Lt. Gov. Crash Murray.

She’s now a judge in Newton, making $184,694 a year, just like Shelley Joseph, her colleague, a former member of the Democrat State Committee who’s currently on leave, shall we say, after her felony indictment by the feds for letting a Dominican illegal immigrant career criminal out the back door of her and Mary Beth’s courthouse. …

Class, I hear the bell ringing. That’s it for today. We’ll resume next time, and if you’d like me to mention anyone in particular in our next lecture, just send an email reminder to my teaching assistant at [email protected]. Slug it hackerama u.