Stodgy climate as John Kerry won’t share payroll — until 2024

The State Department has finally given this newspaper a date for when they plan to make public the payroll of John Forbes Kerry’s personal staff.

The ETA is now, drum roll please, Oct. 1, 2024.

Assuming of course that the planet isn’t consumed by global warming before then.

I’m not making this up. According to the State Department, to come up with Kerry’s payroll, it will take 41 months from the moment this newspaper filed its formal request for the numbers.

Of course our inquiry is not designed to make sport of the extinguished statesman who voted for the $87 billion before he voted against the $87 billion. Who threw someone else’s combat medals and ribbons over the White House fence. Who married not one, but two of the richest women in America.

How could we ever disrespect someone who reads baseball scores backwards like a tennis match — “Detroit 3, Red Sox 5.” Who once paid a $50 fine for not shoveling several feet of snow off his sidewalk on Beacon Hill because he was too busy jetting around the world on his personal jet warning about the perils of global warning.

No, the Herald merely seeks the names — and salaries — of those who are assisting His Nibs in his unending quest to save the polar bear, the snail darter and the Plymouth red-bellied turtle, among other critters.

John Forbes Kerry can’t save the planet all by himself, you know.

He can’t be out there making a damn fool of himself out on the international stage, day after day after day, with no backup, all alone.

It takes a village — a village full of hacks, coat holders and payroll patriots to assist America’s Gigolo as he fitfully prances across the world stage, the personification of Shakespeare’s tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

Just the other day, Kerry was fretting yet again over “emissions consequences,” this time from the new war in Ukraine.

On BBC Arabic (who knew there was such a channel?), he fervently pleaded with Vladimir Putin to “stay on track” with his commitment to reduce Mother Russia’s carbon footprint.

“You’re going to lose people’s attention,” Kerry whined. And because of this damned distraction, he’s going to lose … live shots.

How does Kerry keep embarrassing himself with this fatuous blather every day? How many more times can he be busted for not wearing masks on commercial airliners, or taking private jets to pick up Greta Thunberg of the Year-type awards — “it’s the only choice for someone like me,” he sniffed once when asked about his own carbon footprint.

But somebody in the back office must schedule all these summits for him to attend, in sunny places for shady people. And to make his dinner reservations at the local five-star bistro, as well as questioning the sommelier — in French — about the availability of vintages appropriate for a man of the secretary’s stature.

How many ascot-clad, bow-tie-wearing fellow fops at the State Department have been assigned to these arduous duties, as well as assuring Kerry how fabulous he remains at the age of 78?

Some write off the former lieutenant (and lieutenant governor) as “our Esteemed Ambassador to the Clouds.”

But his actual title, per Foggy Bottom, is Special Presidential Envoy for Climate. And you know that a Special Presidential Envoy deserves a staff for himself — his own personal best and brightest, you might say.

So the Boston Herald has been trying to find out exactly who is helping our Special Presidential Envoy save the planet. How many payroll Charlies have been assigned to the most pressing issue of our time?

The Herald’s Freedom of Information Act (FOIA) request was filed last May 13 — almost 10 months ago. Supposedly, government agencies respond to FOIA requests within 10 business days.

But questions about the Special Presidential Envoy are, well, special.

Last Sept. 27, more than four months after the FOIA request, State responded: “Due to the COVID-19 pandemic, resources to process FOIA cases are limited at the Department. Therefore, there will be a delay in processing FOIA requests.”

Is there anything COVID can’t do?

On Nov. 2, a follow-up:

“A search for material in response to your request has been initiated.”

This isn’t a scavenger or treasure hunt, you know. Isn’t everything on computers now?

Just three weeks ago, on Feb. 8, another breaking news alert:

“The Office of Information Programs and Services’ electronic records system indicates this request is in process and has an estimated date of completion (EDC) of Oct. 1, 2024. Please note EDC’s are estimates and are subject to change.”

In other words, the Special Envoy for Climate himself can more precisely predict the date of the end of the world if his exhortations are not heeded than State can assess when they’re going to hand over their own payroll?

Now, I understand these are not the best of times for the Special Presidential Envoy for Climate. He must seethe when he sees his successor, Antony Blinken, the man Dementia Joe sometimes calls “Foreign Minister,” or “Senator,” strutting his stuff on less obscure cable channels than the Special Envoy commands these days.

“What are Blinken’s qualifications?” Liveshot must ask himself. This is a child who has never negotiated a treaty, let alone something really important like a pre-nup.

Lovey, how can any of my close chums in Tehran or Damascus take someone seriously who summers in the Hamptons rather than on the Vineyard, or at least Nantucket? Does Blinken’s family even own its own island for Gawd’s sake?

Oh well, at least we’ll finally know how many people are working for the Special Presidential Envoy for Climate on Oct. 1, 2024.

Save the date!