Sign me up to be one of the well-paid animals at ‘ZooMass’

Is it too late for me to apply for an entry-level job at the University of Massachusetts?

After perusing the latest UMass payroll, I am willing to start at the absolute bottom of the academic totem pole (as Elizabeth Warren might put it).

After all these decades in the Dreaded Private Sector, I am ready to give back by getting into “public service.” I’d even be willing to do the grunt work, fetching coffee, making reservations, etc., working as, for lack of a better term, a “staff administrator.”

At UMass, a “staff administrator” makes $252,591 a year.  

If that august position is filled, I can lower my sights a little, and settle for the position of “assistant to the president,” even though that only pays $245,364.91 a year.

Of course I’m not qualified for one of those really essential jobs in higher ed, like, say, “director of sustainability,” the important position at Babson College held by the mullahs’ fanboy who suggested some American “cultural sites” that the terrorists might want to target for destruction.

For one thing, my first name isn’t “Asheen,” and I’ve never been described by the Atlantic magazine as an “evangelist for sustainability.” (Although, given his man-crush on the Shiite terrorists, perhaps it would be more precise to call Asheen the “12th prophet of sustainability.”)

Still, even if I cannot reach the top at the school still widely known as “ZooMass,” I would be willing to accept a lesser position, mainly because all of them seem to pay more than $200,000.

You go to the state payroll and at the top it’s all ZooMass, except for a few with the State Police. And at least being a state trooper can be hazardous to your health — look how many of them have been indicted by the feds over the last couple of years, with no end in sight.

How many troopers have been taken down by their GPS systems, or bad ice cubes, or domestic disputes? It’s a dirty job, embezzling, exposing oneself at country-music concerts, shooting at unarmed motorists and beating up girlfriends.

On the other hand, at ZooMass nobody ever gets in a jam, mainly, I’m guessing, because nobody knows or cares what anybody else is doing, and why should they, as long as they’re getting direct deposits into their bank accounts of $10,000 every two weeks.

Do you know how many “chancellors” they have at ZooMass? Me neither, I gave up counting at the $200,000-plus salary level.

When it comes to chancellors, the Minute Persons are extremely diverse. They have chancellors, vice chancellors, executive vice chancellors, senior vice chancellors, associate vice chancellors, not to mention interim chancellors, and that’s just the first 17, whose pay ranges from $672,837 to $240,528 a year.

How about “provost?” Never have figured out exactly what a “provost” does, but boy does ZooMass have a bunch of them — senior provosts, vice provosts, senior vice provosts. They’ve even got a double-threat: an executive vice chancellor/provost, a bargain at $343,881.

When checking out the salaries of UMass athletic personnel, I always recall the words of the late baseball executive Bill Veeck: “It’s not the high cost of talent that’s ruining the game, it’s the high cost of mediocrity.”

C’mon down, basketball coach Matthew McCall, a third-rate coach with a first-rate salary — $827,000 a year. Lifetime record: 30-47.

Billy Bulger, the brother of deceased serial killer Whitey Bulger, is still getting his $200,000-a-year state pension, 17 years after being shown the door at UMass. It turns out the Corrupt Midget, as he’s still known, was a bargain, because he was succeeded by one Jack Wilson, who nine years after stepping down as president himself, is still on the UMass payroll at age 75 as “president emeritus” for $311,538 a year.

“Jack Wilson” — I always wondered if that was another of Whitey Bulger’s aliases, and he was on the lam in Amherst, holed up in his brother’s old office. Turns out, Jack Wilson has amazing academic credentials — he went to some place named Theil College, which I am informed is best known for giving honorary degrees to Amelia Earhart and Mr. Rogers.

OK, I didn’t go to Theil College, so I guess I can’t make the big bucks as a “distinguished professor,” but I am willing to settle for being an “extinguished professor.”

Extinguished professor, by UMass standards, should be good for at least $300,000 a year. I could teach … sustainability, and I could sustain myself very well indeed on 300 large.

Someone get me President Marty Meehan’s phone number — 60 years old and he’s never had a real job, and he’s making $682,270.42 a year. I remember when he was working at the State House for the secretary of state as a “staff administrator,” and believe me, he wasn’t making any $252,591 a year.

I got into the wrong racket. We all did.