My Predictions for 2023 Massachusetts News
Comes the New Year, and time for the 2023 predictions of the almighty Carrnac the Magnificent. The envelopes, please:
Over-under on how many Boston city councilors will be arrested this year: Two.
Over-under on how many Boston city councilors arrested this year will be native-born US citizens: one.
In Jan. 31 election for chairman of Republican state committee, crackpot incumbent Jim “Jones” Lyons only gets 22 of 74 votes from actual members, but claims victory after receiving 83,210 mail-in votes from Democrats who want him to “finish the job.”
To fill departing governor’s councilor Robert Jubinville’s slot, legislative leadership opts not to select a replacement, but instead to just give a second vote on the Council to 84-year-old incumbent Marilyn Devaney, so she can do even crazier stuff.
The only agency run even more incompetently than the MBTA will be the Boston Public Schools.
Mayor Michelle Wu will continue to be perhaps the most hapless mayor in the history of Boston.
But compared to the City Council, she’ll keep looking almost as masterful and statesmanlike as, say, Kim Janey.
In March, Joe Biden will claim his late son Beau was the Ghost Pilot of Kyiv, who as it turns out didn’t exist.
In June, Joe Biden will claim that he himself was the actual Ghost Pilot of Kyiv.
Someone will finally notice the number of Boston school teachers who have been banished from the classroom and packed off to “rubber rooms” with full pay because… well, you know.
But no one in the Boston media will ever report the story because… well, Boston media.
In spring training, the Red Sox are so terrible that on Opening Day, a record-low number of only 75 percent of sports “reporters” in Boston predict that the Sox will win the next World Series.
Monica Cannon Graft, er Grant, the local BLM-franchised grifter, finally goes on trial in federal court on corruption charges.
Her sole defense: Laws are racist.
In March, first bill filed in legislature to change the definition of “millionaire” for income-tax purposes to anyone making more than $200,000 a year.
It’s for the unions, er, the children.
Dr. Anthony Fauci gets a $20 million advance for his “memoirs.”
First week sales: 341 copies.
With the Red Sox 46 games out of first place on Labor Day, Boston media announce that in addition to reporters no longer being sent on road trips, they will also end all in-person coverage of home games at Fenway Park, and will instead cover them by watching them on TV, like the road games, that is if they can stay awake.
In October, amid cratering state income-tax collections as working people flee the failing state in record numbers, another bill is filed in legislature to again lower the definition of “millionaire,” this time to anyone making more than $3 an hour above minimum wage.
Repeat after me: it’s for the children.
Geoff “DoorDash” Diehl, perennial local loser GOP candidate, announces that he will run as a Republican for every political office in the state in 2024.
His goal, as he describes it, “is to finish the job I began back in 2015, when the Democrats beat me like a rented mule in that first race for the state Senate.”
When Diehl’s unprecedented plan is challenged in court, local Democrats file an amicus curiae brief, asserting that DoorDash has a constitutional right to run – and lose – in hundreds of races simultaneously.
“Why should this highly-rated Uber driver be restricted to being crushed in only one race per cycle?” the Democrats say in their filing. “Do you know how hard it is to find Republican patsies for all these down-ballot races?”
As the NFL season begins, 98 percent of the scribes “covering” the Pats predict that the team will both win the Super Bowl and go undefeated.
Some things never change, and Shillville is one of them.
The Boston Globe, whether reporting on record heat waves or record cold snaps, record droughts or floods, either plummeting or rapidly-rising crop yields – will attribute everything that happens to global warming, or cooling, or extreme climate.
The UMass “investigation” into the racist emails to black campus groups in 2021 drags into its third year, with administration still claiming to be “baffled” by the perps’ identity despite spending tens of thousands of dollars on the probe.
On yet another vacation, Biden is asked if his obviously declining health has required him to make any changes in his wardrobe.
“It depends,” he replies.
The fake Indian announces she’s running for yet another term as U.S. senator, and says she’s looking forward to a rematch with DoorDash.
Learning of the news while on his Uber shift, Diehl texts out a message to the media saying, “I’ll have an official statement for you as soon as I drop off this last fare!”
It’s another record-breaking year for the hustlers and grifters in the local grievance rackets, buoyed by more handouts from the Welfare-Industrial Complex’s $1.7-trillion haul in the most recent Congressional boondoggle.
The consulting business of Rep. Ayanna Pressley’s jailbird husband continues to flourish. See above.
In the fall, Gov. Maura Healey will be introduced at a Pats’ game, and the recession-racked Foxboro crowd will respond with a rousing chant:
“Airball! Airball! Airball!”
Ex-Gov. Deval Patrick sues the NCAA, claiming he’s a victim of racism because the $3 million-a-year job as president went to an incompetent white ex-governor rather than an incompetent black ex-governor.
Recalling Deval’s earlier shakedowns of Coke and Texaco, the NCAA settles out of court.
On Dec. 31, Diehl takes a brief break from his New Year’s Eve deliveries to announce that he’s filed papers to run as a write-in candidate for the Republican nomination for president in the New Hampshire primaries.
“I’m up there all the time anyway with my pickups at Logan,” he explains. “I think my candidacy can give a real Lyft to the party.”
Happy New Year! It can’t be any worse than the last one… or can it?