Playing Biden’s greatest hits one more time before Trump takes office

Our long national nightmare is finally over.

Donald Trump dodged a bullet. America dodged an asteroid.

And now, as we celebrate like it’s V-J Day in Times Square in 1945, here’s the final Weekend at Brandon’s column.

In case the Pulitzer Prize committee is reading this (doubtful), I would like to point out that I’ve been transcribing Dementia Joe’s senile gibberish since 2020.

I wrote the first of these “deeply sourced” columns back during the campaign. On Halloween 2020 I typed:

“Joe Biden is not all there.”

This was long before we were told by The New York Times that Biden was conducting “Socratic dialogues” in the Oval Office, that he was fit as a fiddle, sharp as a tack and that any video that showed otherwise was nothing but a “cheap fake.”

I re-read my Halloween piece from 2020 yesterday. Biden had recently given a shout-out to someone he called “General McGeneral.”

He was also ranting about Trump’s responsibility for “200 million dead” because of COVID (a number which after he became president was lowered to a mere 100, as in “the profound loss from the pandemic — over 100 people dead.”)

How can we miss Dementia Joe when he won’t go away? Let’s roll the tape for a few of his Greatest Hits. All dialogue guaranteed verbatim:

“I’m tired of trickle down. The trillionaires and billionaires are doing very well.”

“You know we have a thousand trillion billionaires in America.”

“A thousand billionaires and you know the average tax rate that they pay? Eight — E-I-G-H percent. Eight percent.”

“Let me start with two words: Made in America.”

“A three-letter word: J-O-B-S. Jobs.”

“Over a billion three hundred million trillion hundred million dollars.”

“We’re building a 60-zillion-dollar bridge in Baltimore.”

“I traveled over a million miles on Amtrak, no joke, every day!”

“Why did I commute every single day over a million miles round trip over the time I was in the U.S. Senate?”

“No billionaire should pay less than a teacher or a firefighter or someone who works like a belt.”

That’s what Dementia Joe said — works like a belt. I always figured shoes are the hardest-working article of clothing most people have, but I suppose some belts work harder than others. Jerry Nadler’s for instance. Or Chris Christie’s.

Names were not Joe’s forte. He called Donald Trump, among other things, Donald Hump, Donald Dump, Congressman Trump and “the sitting president.”

Justin Trudeau became “Prime Minister Joe.” King Abdullah of Jordan was greeted as “King Abdul, good to see ya!” Kamala was promoted to “President Harris.” Obese IL Gov. J.B. Pritzker was “J.P. Priskie.”

He appointed a single Supreme Court justice — “Kejan Kejan Katanyi Drown Jackson.”

Pre-Nov. 5, mis-gendering could get you cancelled, at least if you were a Republican. But it wasn’t a problem for Brandon when he called IL Lt. Gov. Juliana Stratton “Julius Stratton.”

In Fall River, he acknowledged the presence of Rep. Jake Auchincloss, which he pronounced “Auchin-Sauce,” then shouted, “Where is she? Where is she?”

Sometimes the worst president in American history called out people he thought were dead (“God rest her soul!”) only to be told they were still alive. (“God bless your soul then!”)

He tried to introduce a Congresswoman who’d been dead for a month. He tried to shake hands with people who weren’t there.

Biden also wasn’t good with dates. He talked about a civil war that started over states’ rights “in 1960.” He recalled something bad that happened on “June 6th,” although he also said it happened on “July 6th.”

At Hanukkah 2023 he told a Jewish group that the recent Oct. 7 massacre by Muslim terrorists had taken place “65 years ago.” He then repeated the number – “65 years.”

A few more of Dementia Joe’s Greatest Hits for the road, the long and winding road, a million miles back to Delaware on Amtrak:

“I know two people near where I live, their kids literally as I said, they woke up dead.”

“One billion dollars to fix aging critical rural infrastructure like electric water.”

“Women are not without electrical power.”

“Elect me — I’m in the 20, the 20th century, 21st century.”

“Investing 279 billion dollars million dollars million.”

“Inflation’s coming down at the same time. It’s down from 60 percent.”

“Former Mayor Steve Benjamin couldn’t be here today. It’s great to have him here today.”

“The American Rescue Plan, which every American voted against, I might add.”

“How do we get to the place where Putin decides he’s just gonna invade Russia?”

“Russia could end this inhumane war tomorrow by ceasing its attacks on Russia, er Ukraine.”

“We’re not importing jobs. Folks, we’re not importing anything other than what we make.”

“All told, we’ve created more than 12,000 jobs, 12,000 jobs since I took office.”

“The Virginia economy boomed — 200 million, 200 thousand jobs.”

“There’s a Menorah on display in this hotel — this house — the White House.”

“I signed that pen.”

“John Kerry ran for president of the Democratic party.”

“So today I applaud China for stepping up excuse me I applaud Canada.”

“Corn Pop was a bad dude.”

“Mega Republicans under my predecessor gutted immigration under my predecessor.”

“We passed 368 billion dollars worth of help, a billion, a trillion 780 million dollars billion dollars.”

“Cabinet Secretary Deb Haaland who is Interior Secretary of the Interior.”

“Visit vaccines dot gum dot gov.”

“You can sign up for the save plan at student aid dot gov slash save student aid dash gov slash student aid dash student aid dash student aid dot gov slash save.”

“Before it was passed, 20 fewer 20 million people have fewer people have insurance.”

“The U.S. Capitol — the same building where our freedoms came under assault on July the 6th.”

“And to make it impossible, make the impossible possible.”

For four dreadful years, Joe Biden and the Democrats gave the American people a licking, but somehow we kept on ticking.

And now, at the dawn of a new beginning, I close this final Weekend at Brandon’s column with one of his own great exhortations:

“Let’s go lick the world!”