Only the woke need apply to be Boston’s top cop

Do you have the right stuff to become Boston’s next police commissioner?

Step one: Pick up the phone and dial area code 202.

That’s Washington, of course. But then you weren’t seriously expecting that anyone from area code 617 was going to be involved in anything … Boston, now were you?

Mayor Michelle Wu, originally from the 312 area code (Chicago), has farmed out the nationwide search for a new PC police commissioner to what appears to be a Washington think tank.

According to the city (of Boston, not Washington or Chicago or San Francisco, where the mayor’s new chief of staff came from), here is what the BPD requires of its next commissioner:

“The passion, skills, and cultural competencies to serve as a ‘bridge-builder.’”

Personally, I think most Bostonians might prefer a “crime stopper” to a “bridge builder.”

“A leader who brings an enthusiasm to meeting this moment to reimagine policing.”

How about reimagining … safe streets? Or the arrests of criminals? How about reimagining … Downtown Crossing without roving bands of teenaged girls assaulting and calling a 20-year-old woman a “white (bleep) with braids”?

How about reimagining a Chinatown where law-abiding Asians aren’t randomly stabbed?

“A willingness to actively center the safety and well-being of LGBTQ+ residents of Boston.”

How about a willingness to protect all citizens — even people who were born here, speak English and aren’t on welfare?

At the beginning of the three-page document that outlines the sterling qualifications the “proven transformational leader” must possess to be considered for the position, the City Hall wokesters open with a now-traditional roll call of virtue signaling:

“We are conducting this search during the continued transformation of policing following the unjust killings of Michael Brown, George Floyd, Breonna Taylor and many others — and the ensuing demands for racial and social justice.”

Without getting into the issues involved in those three unfortunate deaths (none of which occurred in Boston, by the way), what about the many other “unjust killings” at the hands of law enforcement recently?

Should the next police commissioner care about Ashli Babbitt, the unarmed 35-year-old female Air Force veteran gunned down in cold blood by a Capitol Police officer on Jan. 6?

How about Justine Damond, the unarmed 40-year-old immigrant gunned down in cold blood by a Minneapolis cop named Mohamed Noor in 2017?

For that matter, what about all the police officers slaughtered in this country by deranged leftists — in New York, Dallas, Baton Rouge? Or the congressmen wounded by a Bernie bro on a baseball field? What about Billy Evans, the Capitol Police officer from Massachusetts run over and killed by a Nation of Islam lunatic last year?

How about all the Brooklyn straphangers shot last week by a different Black antisemitic racist, or the six Christmas paradegoers fatally struck down by yet another Black racist in Waukesha, Wis., last year?

Were those hate crimes? Should the new police commissioner only be concerned about victims who check the right Democrat boxes, but not about anyone who is not a member of a protected, privileged class?

One thing we can be certain of — pronouns are going to be very, very important in “this new era for public safety.”

I know this because the posting makes clear that the next BPD commissioner will be neither a “he” nor a “she.” No, the next commissioner will be a “they.”

“They will possess the necessary management skills to confront and address issues and practices of inequity and discrimination, and to implement reforms.”

To repeat, here’s a suggested reform for the new boss, singular, whoever they, plural, is:

Start arresting thugs again, even if they are “returning citizens” (wokespeak for jailbirds) or “unhoused citizens” (free-range Americans, formerly known as bums).

One thing “they” must be able to do is work with other city agencies, “including Boston’s Office of Police Accountability and Transparency (OPAT).”

Ever hear of OPAT? It’s a new hackerama. The director is “Stephanie Everett, Esq.” as she’s described on the City Hall website. She was picked off the hack waiver wire after a failed campaign for state rep in Dorchester.

Her deputy director is one John Steines, a drifter who blew in from Minnesota, where he was a coat holder for the Democrat-Farmer-Labor (DFL) party.

The would-be state rep and the Central Time Zone payroll patriot are assisted by an executive assistant, an administrative assistant, the administrative in-take specialist and two “investigators.”

So far, according to the office dashboard, as of yesterday these seven hard-working OPAT pencil-pushers have handled a total of … five cases.

So much work ahead for the next commissioner, whoever “they” is. But if you (is that singular or plural?) think you can handle the job, you must first call long distance to Rebecca Neuburger at 202-997-6287.

She works at the Police Executive Research Forum, and she’s extremely well-qualified. She has a BA from Wesleyan University (area code 860) and an MBA from George Washington University (202).

Candidates from “non-traditional backgrounds” are encouraged to apply, or so the city says, but somehow I think I’d have more than a few strikes against me.

As a matter of fact, I think I’d be out of the running as soon as I rang up Ms. Neuburger and she saw the first three digits of my phone number: 617.