Your $1.7 Trillion Christmas Gift Funds Fish and Fake Black People

I just paid my heating bill. Suddenly, coal in my stocking doesn’t seem so bad.

If your wallet just wasn’t stretching as far this Christmas, you aren’t alone. Inflation rates this calendar year didn’t dip below 7 percent, compared to 1.7 percent when Trump left office.

Statistic: Monthly 12-month inflation rate in the United States from January 2020 to November 2022 | Statista
Find more statistics at Statista

Getting that Christmas meal on the table will be decisively more difficult, with prices of household goods like milk, bread, and eggs up anywhere from 8 to 50 percent.

But do not fret! Your humble elected officials, full of goodwill and charity this holiday season, have decided who will be getting presents courtesy of your hard-earned tax dollars. You ever-so-generously provided Congress with a fat, juicy $1.7 trillion gift certificate to send to whomever they choose. And boy, did they deliver.

Your first gift of Christmas will be infrastructure for insects. And don’t you dare tell me, “Bumble bees can’t drive cars,” you bigot. The current highway system, likely paid for by another incredibly expensive, unnecessary bill passed by back-stabbing Republicans, interrupts pollination practices. So, naturally, $3 million has been allocated to make sure the flying fellas can fulfill their needs. What’s that? You have needs? Better luck next election cycle.

Another 70 million of your tax dollars will be spent on “salmon recovery.” Not small business recovery, not veteran recovery, and certainly not border recovery.

The welfare of fish is more important to the clowns in Congress than your safety, security, and freedoms.

Your next present will be paying for pizza parties at Planned Parenthood.

There’s $286 million in the omnibus bill that will go towards “voluntary family planning” in areas where population growth “threatens biodiversity.” Now, because of the wonderful Hyde Amendment, these funds cannot go directly toward abortion. But the rent, electricity, or employee camaraderie within these facilities—that’s all a-okay.

If your local abortion mill can prove to the federal government their local pigeon population is suffering from increased automotive activity, funding is coming their way.

Your Christmas cheer is likely waning, so I’ll enlighten you with one more gift you’ll be giving this Christmas.

It’s not money for HCBUs. It’s not even reparations for real-life Black Americans.

Two million bucks will be used to buy Black wax figures for a Baltimore museum.

Bee streets, Black wax, and medical bills for salmon only scratch the surface of your incredibly charitable multi-thousand-page gift certificate. And that doesn’t include the tens of billions you and your family are sending to Ukraine, no questions asked!

Thanks to you, Congress is full of regular Kris Kringles this year. How will they ever repay you? Oh right, they won’t.

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