Nothing ‘regular’ about Maura Healey’s Massachusetts

The college kids are back, and Sunday Gov. Maura Healey tweeted something out to them. It was supposed to be funny, I guess. Don’t give up the day job, Maura.

Here’s Maura’s tweet, in its entirety:

“Welcome to Massachusetts, college students. We’re wicked excited you’re here. Couple things you should know:

1. We take our sports seriously.
2. No one really calls it Beantown.
3. Regular just means cream and sugar.

A real knee-slapper, no? And speaking of “regular,” forget coffee. There’s been nothing regular – or normal – in this state since she became governor.

But there are a few other things the youths need to know as they settle in here for the next four years.

As you might expect, social media had many more tips for the Class of ’28. I asked my readers for help as well. Here’s a sampling of other recent advice from all over that might help them survive in this failed state.

It’s Massachusetts – press 4 for English.

You can buy weed on any street corner, but if you want to a pack of menthol cigarettes, you’ll have to rent a car and drive to New Hampshire.

The colleges are great – unless you’re a Jew.

Enjoy dorm living, kids – by next semester, the state may be taking your school’s buildings by eminent domain to provide yet more living free lodging for illegal aliens.

Plagiarize to your heart’s content, and you too might someday become president of Harvard University, just like Claudine Gay.

At least as long as you check the right boxes.

Don’t believe the boomers’ hype – Fenway Park is a dump.

Maybe we do take our sports seriously – but not crime, and actually we don’t even care enough about sports to do something about the so-called “millionaires’ tax” that’s hampering the teams’ ability to sign super stars.

Don’t sign up for a police Explorers’ program – especially if you’re a 12-year-old girl living in Stoughton.

Kids, if you want to murder somebody and get away with it, you’ve come to the right place.

Just buy a fake police badge, move to Canton and wait for the next blizzard in January – if the local Barney Fifes can’t get away with calling the homicide a “suicide,” they’ll just try to frame some random woman for the crime.

If you’re trying to impress a faculty member and you have a choice between wearing a yarmulke or a keffiyeh, well, do I have to draw you a diagram?

When picking up somebody at Logan Airport, watch out for the F Troop staties – they don’t let you double-park for even 30 seconds before jumping ugly with you.

But only if you’re an American taxpayer – just ask Javon Baker, the rookie wide receiver for the Patriots.

On the other hand, if you’re an illegal-alien criminal, feel free to squat in Terminal E forever, and the troopers will stop by every evening at bedtime to turn down your bedroll and drop two chocolates off on your fluffed-up pillow.

Learn the different meanings of words around here, and I don’t mean obsolete slang like “grinders” and “tonic” and “frappes.”

For instance, you may see signs directing you to “Rapid Transit.”

Which you have already realized is the opposite of “rapid.”

And those signs on Storrow Drive that say it’s for “Pleasure Vehicles Only” – not much pleasure on Storrow Drive, especially if you’re not paying attention to bridge heights while driving a truck.

Kids, graduation may be four years away, but it’s never too early to reserve your own post-graduation moving truck.

Rental trucks are now the toughest “get” in Massachusetts, and every month the waiting list grows.

When applying for anything, feel free to “check the box” and lie about your race – in Massachusetts, you’ll be rewarded with tenure at an Ivy League school, no-interest-mortgages to buy a $3 million mansion and a seat in the U.S. Senate.

Kids, it’s a hate crime to refer to any of the blow-in drifters in political office in Massachusetts as “carpetbaggers” – at least if they’re Democrats.

But if you’re talking about John Deaton, the GOP candidate for Senate against the fake Indian, it’s absolutely required to point out how recently he moved here from… Rhode Island.

The unofficial state motto is “Don’t Kill the Job!”

Don’t worry, someone will explain the meaning of the motto to you, if you haven’t figured it out yourself by junior year when you realize that the city repair crew just off campus has been working on filling the same pothole since orientation freshman year.

Don’t try to fake a Boston accent – it doesn’t help you pass as a native, because everybody who has a Boston accent has long since moved out of the city, and most likely the state.

Kids, college is a short four years, but when it’s all over, after you’ve lived here for a while, chances are you will be excited to leave.

Wicked excited.