No party Marty Walsh puts clamps on watching the Patriots game amid coronavirus concerns

First they said no fans for the Patriots’ home games at Foxboro Stadium.

Now Mayor Marty Walsh says no more house parties in Boston for even watching the road game against the Chiefs on TV Sunday afternoon.

From now on just call him “No Party Marty.”

All dialogue guaranteed verbatim:

“To anyone who’s holding house parties, I’m urging you not to do it. On Sunday when the Patriots are playing, we’re asking you not to have house parties. We’re asking you not to gather in large groups.”

Mayor, it’s the biggest game of the weekend — can we at least watch it while relaxing on our favorite couch or easy chair? Or should we all huddle under tables, to prevent the spread of the dread virus?

“And anyone who’s invited to a party,” No Party Marty continued, “my suggestion to you is to make the right decision and right choice and don’t go! Find a safer way to socialize! We need everyone to remain vigilant!”

Mayor, are we permitted to watch the game with our spouses? Our children? Our pets?

Or must everyone watch the game in isolation – one room, one TV, one fan — in order to prevent the spread of … whatever?

You know, until now, I always considered No Party Marty a little less hysterical than his BFF, Charlie Baker, the governor Joe Biden calls Charlie Parker.

No Party Marty is a Democrat, of course, so he’s gotta be all in on this whole grift, at least until the election. But seriously, if Hizzoner believed his own hype, would he really be taking those mask-less selfies down in Hingham?

Bottom line: Walsh can read a chart, and here’s what the state’s latest chart says:

Among Massachusetts residents under the age of 50, four have died in the last two weeks. Four.

Deaths among Massachusetts residents under the age of 20, in the last two weeks and since the beginning of the Panic: zero. ZERO.

Charlie Parker would never, ever acknowledge those statistics (which is why he killed the daily death-by-age-group charts). No Party Marty, though, even as he tries to stoke the hysteria, admitted the obvious Wednesday:

“If you’re 21, if you’re 19 and you get COVID yeah, the numbers say, the numbers say you’ll probably be okay. But what the numbers don’t say, your parents won’t be okay, your grandparents won’t be okay.”

Actually, Marty, the odds are overwhelming that Gramps and Nana will be okay, unless they end up in one of the nursing homes Charlie Parker is in charge of regulating.

So far, 6,073 of the state’s 9,242 deaths have occurred in those death houses, whose operators gave Gov. Parker more than $52,000.

Will the nursing homes be allowed to show the Pats-Chiefs game on Sunday, or is it just too darned dangerous?

Of the 202 dead in Massachusetts in the last two weeks, 129 were above the age of 80. All but 37 were over 70. The average age of decedents was 82.

Still, despite his exhortation to ban all football-viewing parties, Marty is still more sane than Charlie Parker. The more disgruntled the populace becomes with his idiotic martial law, the more Tall Deval clamps down.

He’s turning his press conferences into Fidel Castro-like rants against those who won’t follow “the rules.” His rules. Because he’s done such a bang-up job these last few months.

Maskachusetts has the third highest death rate per 100,000 in the U.S.

The second highest nursing-home death rate (one in seven dead).

The sixth worst unemployment rate (down from number one the last two months).

After utterly failing in managing both public health and the economy, this bust-out fraud now demands to regulate every aspect of his constituents’ lives.

“Very few examples of significant spread have occurred in organized, structured, rule-based gatherings. Most of our new cases, most of our clusters have involved unstructured, non-rule-based gatherings, celebrations, parties that have taken place between and among people where there aren’t any rules.”

Where there aren’t any rules …

Would Charlie have been elected governor if he had run on a platform of making sure that everybody had to follow the rules … his rules?

Charlie can no longer tolerate any freedom, or dissent from his lunatic rules. It’s his way or the highway. Tell us where the problems are, Tall Deval.

“The unsupervised, the unorganized, the the familiar being familiar, as I said before is really where the greatest risk is. So if people are gonna go inside which they probably will I would much rather have them go inside in organized and supervised ways with rules than in unorganized, unsupervised ways with no rules.”

What’s next — Baker Youth? Wearing not only masks but armbands, memorizing the Mask Police’s snitch line number so they can dime out Dear Old Dad if he invites Pops from next door over to watch the game unorganized, unsupervised and with no rules?

If you turn on Channel 4 on Sunday afternoon at 4:25 and instead of Cam Newton and Patrick Mahomes you see No Party Marty and Charlie yelling “Achtung! Achtung!” and grimly announcing that they’re jamming the transmission — for your own good — don’t say you weren’t warned.