Massachusetts in coronavirus ‘Groundhog Day’ with Charlie Baker

Too bad the movie title “Groundhog Day” is already taken, because it would be the perfect description of a film about Gov. Charlie Baker’s endless reruns of self-pitying, sanctimonious, delusional, hysterical, disingenuous press conferences.

For my radio show, I’ve collected hundreds of sound cuts from the bumbling beta male who Joe Biden calls Charlie Parker, or the stiff who Sen. Ed Markey calls Charlie Bacon. Parker says the same thing, over and over and over again.

But nothing ever changes. The goal posts keep shifting.

Let’s go to the audiotape:

“Collectively, we have flattened the curve and avoided the spike in cases.”

That was May 18, 2020.

“People have worked really hard and given up a tremendous amount over the course of the past eight or ten weeks to bend the trend on this and we succeeded. … We can start talking about a gradual, careful, data-driven phased reopening.”

That was May 23, 2020.

“If people would just wear these things (masks) religiously for 30 days we could kill the virus. Religiously wear them for 30 days.”

That was Nov. 3, 2020.

“A few more months of masks … the fact that we are in some respects on the last lap should make doing some of these difficult things that we’ve been doing for months a little easier to put up with.”

That was Dec. 15, 2020.

He sounds like LBJ babbling about Vietnam. Yet Charlie Baker never gets called out on any of this. His handling of this has been a disaster at every turn, yet he brags about his managerial prowess, and the amen chorus that is the Boston media laps it up with a spoon.

On Sept. 15, 2020, he proclaimed, “There’s a certain amount of vigilance and repetition that is required to make our efforts ultimately successful … while they may seem annoying and pedantic at times, um, they’re effective.”

So effective, in fact, that Maskachusetts continues to have the third highest death rate in the nation. Quite effective indeed.

The nursing-home death rate is way up there too, although it’s hard to tell exactly how high now that the Bacon administration recently “adjusted” the number of nursing home fatalities — from 9,018 to 5,502 overnight.

Charlie Parker tracks the virus like an obsessed fictional character after his arch-nemesis — think Ahab and the white whale, or Sherlock Holmes with Professor Moriarty. Of course, given his utter ineptitude, Charlie comes across more like Inspector Clouseau.

On June 15, 2020, he informed us “the virus hasn’t left town.” Does he have a GPS on it?

On Aug. 11, 2020, he informed us that “the virus doesn’t care about boundaries.” Can it be charged with interstate flight then?

Like a vampire, it jumps “from person to person to live” (July 24). It “thrives” at indoor gatherings (Nov. 18). The virus “is always there somewhere … truly a secret and silent spread” (Dec. 8).

Charlie has spent his life at the public trough, so he’s never ever seen anything like this before.

You know why? Because unlike state employees, the virus works full-time.

That’s what he has told us again and again. On June 23, he informed us that COVID-19 would not be taking a summer vacation. He repeated it on July 2, July 7 and July 27 — COVID-19 had no plans for any time off.

Boy, that COVID-19 must be grabbing more overtime than those staties from F Troop who lugged Charlie’s son off the Jet Blue flight at Logan.

On Sept. 9, 2020, Charlie delivered at least his fifth update on COVID-19’s vacation status.

“As we’ve said, COVID didn’t take the summer off and we don’t expect it to take off the fall, either. We’ll still be fighting until there’s a treatment or a vaccine.”

Now, of course, the vaccine won’t be nearly enough. On Thursday, Charlie Parker changed the rules yet again and said his subjects will all be needing a booster because, well, the show must go on.

Just as we can’t even begin to think about dismantling the police state apparatus — it all depends on the variants, or is it mutants, or is it double mutant-variants?

On April 12, 2021, he said: “Well we follow the data pretty closely and as you all know the data tends to be a little unpredictable.”

Yeah, especially when you’re just making it all up, like the Department of Public Health with the nursing-home numbers, the way they did with the 65,000 falsified criminal drug-lab tests.

The hacks’ ham-handed response to a seasonal virus has now been dragging on so long that Bacon is beginning to repeat the same BS lectures he was peddling a year ago.

It’s getting warmer, right? People — excuse me, “folks” — just want to relax and enjoy themselves, especially since the only real danger they face is from Charlie’s senseless
lockdowns and Karen vigilantes.

So Charlie keeps shouting out his diktats — fun is still verboten in Maskachusetts, comrades! You must remain miserable and afraid — or else!

“Don’t let a few nice days step on that!”

That was May 25, 2020.

“We do need to be vigilant and keep our guard up with regard to COVID generally as the weather gets nicer.”

That was March 17, 2021.

On Feb. 18, 2021, Bacon said his hair was on fire. Surely, given his mendacity over the past year, he meant to say his pants were on fire. But of all the hundreds of whoppers he’s put out over the last 14 months, this one from Dec. 15, 2020, may be the biggest:

“I can’t emphasize enough that this is not forever. This is once. One time, one month, one year.”

Would that it were, as John Kerry used to say — would that it were. Actually, we are now in the second year, the 14th month of this farce and it totally feels like forever.

When will Groundhog Day Part II ever end?