Liberal governors flunking their coronavirus tests
The coronavirus tested America’s governors — and unfortunately for them, the grades are in.
To quote a line I once heard from my exasperated geometry teacher, “These scores were so disappointing that I decided to grade on a curve.”
The reason so many of these governors failed their respective tests is the same reason I bombed mine: We didn’t prepare.
In my defense, I had a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory, and using it seemed more pressing than learning the Pythagorean theorem.
I’m not sure the governors have as solid an excuse.
The only test the governors have been preparing for over the last four years is the Orange Man Bad exam.
The OMB includes multiple-choice questions like: “Do you agree with what President Trump did today?”
A) No, I disagree
B) No, I strongly disagree
C) No, President Trump is a threat to our democracy and should resign immediately.
Hint: Always go with C!
For the past few years, in between ribbon-cuttings and cocktail parties, many governors would occasionally make national headlines by expressing their utter disdain for President Trump.
While they still take every opportunity to do that — this week New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo said Trump was persona non grata and would need “an army if he thinks he’s going to walk down the streets in New York” — the Trump-deranged outbursts seem exceptionally desperate as of late.
Cuomo’s blame game wouldn’t be as offensive if he weren’t simultaneously getting slobbering praise from the mainstream media.
Oh, and did I mention CNN anchor Chris Cuomo’s favorite governor is also writing a book about how well he handled the crisis?
You wouldn’t know, based on his finger-pointing, that tough-guy Andrew Cuomo made a lot of critically significant decisions throughout the course of this pandemic — and despite what the press might report, most of those decisions weren’t just subpar — they were horrendous.
Which explains Cuomo’s obsession with the president.
See, it is never too late for Andrew Cuomo to trash-talk Trump. Hating Trump is evergreen.
However, it is far too late for him to use the USNS Comfort to take in recovering COVID-19 patients rather than sending them back into nursing homes.
This regret might explain some of Cuomo’s anger issues.
The sad truth is that the bulk of damage from this crisis is done. Yet these rulers, rather than admit any wrongdoing or take responsibility, are doubling down.
In the movie “1917,” two British soldiers are racing against the clock to reach the Second Battalion and deliver an important message — to call off an attack. In their harrowing journey, they meet a soldier who gives them a bit of unsolicited advice about how they should deliver their message.
“If you get there, make sure there are witnesses. Some men just want the fight.”
At the end of the film, the remaining soldier reaches the colonel. Sure enough, just as the man had warned, he does not want to call off the attack.
These governors are like battle-crazed generals.
They have nothing left to cling to but their press conferences, their scolding lectures and their hand sanitizer.
We can’t stop now, they decide. It isn’t about logic anymore, it is about their pride. They won’t be moved by curves or charts or statistics — they are faithful to this cause, no matter how insane it may be.
Take our own Gov. Charlie Baker. For the past three months, he has made up arbitrary rules and capitalism-crushing regulations.
Now, with no end in sight, Baker is mandating vaccines for infants and demanding social distancing. He has shut down businesses, issued fines, and on the golf courses banned cans of Bud Light but not cans of Coke. He discourages unsupervised barbecues but praises “peaceful protests.”
All of this pandemic posturing — and yet our masked-up Massachusetts has the third-highest death toll in the country, and the worst rate of unemployment.
I don’t blame Charlie Baker or Andrew Cuomo for being too afraid to turn back now. I would be, too. It’s hard to reverse course when you’ve gone so far off the road and into the ditch.
But there are plenty of witnesses in this disaster, and most of us aren’t taking their commands seriously anymore.