Last call for State Police troopers gone wild

What is wrong with the Massachusetts State Police?

Their top-to-bottom corruption is appalling enough. But it’s become glaringly obvious that these below-average-IQ clowns cannot even function in normal, civilian society without getting lugged.

Do they not know how to sneak around without getting caught? Why can’t they stay out of trouble for at least one or two news cycles?

Obviously, the MSP needs to offer a new course for the next class of recruits at the academy.

“How Not to Get Caught, 101.”

The troopers are worse than thugs, they’re stupid thugs. They can’t help themselves.

Listen, you don’t have to come from a hard-scrabble background to figure out how to avoid getting into trouble. Just keep your eyes open.

Take now-suspended trooper Donovan Preston, arrested for OUI in the South End at the intersection of Washington and Herald Streets.

Does that address ring a bell? It’s where Aaron Hernandez murdered the two guys who “dissed” him in a nearby barroom back in 2012. It’s not a nice neighborhood, let’s leave it at that, especially at 5 a.m.

At the academy, they need to teach new recruits how to avoid areas where bad things happen, except for when they’re responding to 911 calls.

For instance, stay away from certain bars. Remember that bucket of blood on Commercial Street in the North End where two of Joe Barboza’s hoods got murdered by In Town.

Fifteen years later, a moll named Liz McDonough was told by her wise guy boyfriend to show up at the same gin mill, and be sure to wear your cowboy too, Liz.

It’ll make it easier for the hitmen to spot you….

Or the old Transit Café on East Broadway, which later became Triple O’s. You went upstairs, they’d shoot you in the head. You went out on the sidewalk, they’d bite your nose off and spit it into the gutter.

And don’t ever get into a car double-parked outside, especially if there’s a guy already sitting in the back seat….

And now there’s that corner in the South End. Do you know what goes on in that neighborhood, Trooper Preston? You certainly should have.

Then there was Trooper Preston’s adult beverage of choice. A High Noon, a “hard seltzer.”

Some beverages you want to give a good leaving alone too. Just ask Kristin Cabot, the woman who was caught at the Coldplay concert on the jumbo cam canoodling with her boss last summer.

What did she blame her shame on? “A couple of High Noons.”

Almost every day now, there’s some new State Police scandal. And you always ask yourself the same question, “How could they be this dumb?”

Okay, here are some of the basic life lessons that these troopers should have learned long ago, if they wanted to hang in long enough for a phony-baloney six-figure disability pension.

First, and this is for you Trooper Preston, if you’ve been drinking, call an Uber. How basic is that?

Second, always have a burner phone handy for sneaky stuff. At least one, and two is even better. Drug dealers know this instinctively. So do 13-year-old girls. Why don’t the State Police?

They could have asked Michael Proctor. How are all those personal phone records working out for you, “Bear?”

But we have an even more recent case, in Woburn, where a burner phone or two might have saved multiple MSP careers. It involves now-suspended Sgt. Scott Quigley, who was involved in a fatal car accident in 2023 while allegedly drunk.

They gave him a warning for killing the other guy. His BAC (.114) was covered up by the State Police for more than two years.

We now have the radio transmissions of the night in question. The investigating MSP officer (since indicted in a different case for perjury and involuntary manslaughter), is overheard telling another cop that she’s been instructed by the brass to steer clear of to the hospital, because Quigley is not, uh, ready, to be interviewed.

Now it turns out that Quigley and another state cop had been drinking in a local bar prior to the fatal.

Which brings me to another obvious life lesson: always carry cash. Cash is king.

The various probes into this Quigley-Middlesex DA catastrophe are eventually going to obtain the credit card records, for both Quigley and the state cop he was guzzling with.

Which is why you always need cash. To ensure that there are no records. James Michael Curley once explained to his son Frank why he should never open a bank account and then sadly added, “I shouldn’t even have to explain such things to you.”

I feel the same way about telling the State Police to carry cash. But somebody must do it, apparently.

Here’s another pro tip for the MSP: If you’re going to lie, make it believable. If you need to plant evidence, say, pieces of broken red tail light, don’t overdo it. Twenty pieces will suffice, not 47.

Similarly, suppose you’re a state cop trying to bury some damaging evidence that might lead to murder charges against a fellow cop you went to high school with.

Do not make the preposterous claim that you couldn’t find a single text message between him and his pregnant girlfriend whom he strangled.

Such statements might come back to haunt you when the feds find 32,000 “missing” text messages.

These are all “case studies” like the Harvard Business School uses. Here’s another one. You’re in the gang unit, and you make a big bust. Lotta white powder on a Friday night.

As a proud trooper, of course you’re expected to take a little taste home… for testing. But don’t snort anything until you’re positive it’s not cut with fentanyl. Nothing more embarrassing than cardiac arrest being brought on by a drug overdose… of confiscated controlled substances.

All the above embarrassments could have been avoided, not by honesty (which nobody expects of a Mass state cop), but just by the boobs with badges learning to cover their own rear ends.

Here’s another one. If you’re checking into a no-tell motel in Providence with your side piece, be sure to lock up your unmarked cruiser, lest local gang bangers grab your service firearm while you’re upstairs enjoying a little third-rate romance, low-rent rendezvous.

I’m available to teach this course at the academy, Col. Noble. Give me a call, and I won’t even ask you about that 6-9 Nigerian basketball player at your old prep school in Rhode Island and what he’s just been charged with doing to that 14-year-old girl….

The Mass State Police. Where do they find these guys?