Karen Read trial is a corrupt Canton townie sideshow

Paul Revere used to summer every year in Canton, but he wouldn’t recognize the place today.

One thing, though, hasn’t changed since the 18th of April in ’75 — the locals still love their midnight rides, but with one big difference.

Paul Revere wasn’t hammered out of his mind when he was on horseback, spreading the alarm to every Middlesex village and farm.

Through the first 14 days of the Karen Read murder trial in Dedham, we have learned much about life in the Town of Canton, post-Paul Revere.

As you know, Read is accused of murdering her boyfriend, BPD cop John O’Keefe, by drunkenly running him over in a snowstorm in January 2022.

His body was found outside the home of another BPD officer, who has since sold the house, gotten rid of his phone and dog and abruptly retired from the job, not that there’s anything wrong with that.

How screwed up is this case? Well, the feds are all over it like white on rice.

Read’s defense attorneys have said the G-men’s accident-reconstruction experts have concluded that O’Keefe couldn’t possibly have been killed by a car.

Then there are all those texts that haven’t been “mistakenly” deleted…

The state’s lead investigator is thisclose to the Hibernian hillbillies who are up to their eyeballs in this mess.

According to opening statements, State Trooper Michael Proctor’s first thought when he was assigned the case was to text his Canton high-school buddies. He told them he was already searching online for nude photos of Karen Read.

Proctor is now under investigation by MSP Internal Affairs — if only because it’s the feds who discovered his texts, rather than the corrupt Staties themselves.

How will Proctor do on cross-examination? Do you remember an LAPD detective by the name of Mark Fuhrman?

Back on the stand Tuesday will be Jen McCabe. She’s the one who’s missing one of her front teeth.

Don’t confuse Toothy McCabe with Julie Albert. Julie is the one who chews gum while testifying. Her father’s name is/was Jack Daniels — coincidence?

Julie is married to Chris Albert. He did a six-month state bit in 1995 after killing a Hungarian exchange student in a hit-and-run accident.

His public defender was one John Prescott, whose sister is the judge in the case — Beverly Cannone. She’s a lifelong payroll patriot from Quincy, like the rotund district attorney, Meatball Mike Morrissey.

If you want to hide something real good, just stick it in one of Judge Cannone’s law books.

From her courtroom rulings, Cannone seems to believe that the synonym for “exculpatory” is “excluded,” as in, if the evidence is exculpatory for Karen Read, it’s excluded.

Chris Albert, by the way, is a Canton selectman. As the only jailbird in the fight, he was elected in a landslide. Forget it Jake — it’s Canton.

Even if you haven’t been paying close attention, there are easy ways to figure out who’s who. The townies — which is everyone except the defendant — all pronounce their hometown not as “Canton” but as “Can-UHN.”

Here’s how the examination begins after each witness is sworn in.

Where do you live? Can-UHN.

Where were you born? Can-UHN.

Where did you go to high school? Can-UHN High.

Have you ever been anywhere else? Yes, once I drove to a packy… in Stough-UHN.

Selectman Albert owns the local pizza parlor. On the night John O’Keefe died outside his brother’s house, he closed his shop, then walked across the street to a local dive where he ordered “appetizers.” That’s how good his own restaurant is.

Then, meeting up with the rest of the Can-UHN townies, the selectman ordered the usual — a round of Fireballs. How Canton is it?

After last call, he offered to take the crapulous crew back to his pizzeria for some free eats. Everybody said… nah.

Almost all these people live, or did live, in the same houses they grew up in, bought by their parents 50 years ago as they fled Boston after the start of busing.

Lucky for them they inherited these tear-downs, because otherwise most of them would have already fled back to their natural habitat — trailer parks.

See, Canton’s on the commuter-rail line, so housing prices have been going up, up and away. It’s only a matter of time until all these low-rent losers are priced out.

So resentment is simmering among the old Can-UHN crowd. They don’t like what’s happening — just last year, their favorite hang-out, Big D’s Neponset Grill, went out of business.

It was the last place in town where you could get a fried-baloney sandwich. Now that was some really fine Can-UHN cuisine.

What must the U.S. attorney be thinking as he watches this legal lynching unfold in deepest, darkest Dedham? The defense has said in open court that the feds already have a proffer — a deal — with the only witness who didn’t go to Can-UHN High.

The hack prosecutor did not dispute the statement.

Judge Cannone has instructed all the parties not to mention that federal grand jury, where at least three cops have apparently told conflicting stories from what they testified before Meatball’s state grand jury.

But the other day, one of the younger witnesses was asked who’s questioned him about O’Keefe’s death.

“The feds,” he blurted out in front of the jury.

Well, what could you expect? He went to Can-UHN High.

This trial is drawing a huge audience. Unlike Trump’s kangaroo-court case in New York, there are cameras in the Dedham courtroom. Live streaming coverage.

And Karen Read is not guilty.

Tensions are running high. There have been fights and restraining orders — and that’s just among the reporters.

Aidan “Turtleboy” Kearney is the blogger who’s made the case into a national story. He’s been barred from the courtroom for certain witnesses — the “McAlberts,” as he calls the Alberts and the McCabes.

The McAlbert witnesses begin weeping when they talk about Turtleboy. He makes them want to spit out their chewing gum and order another round of Fireballs.

How dare he call their hero Jailbird Chris Albert “Chicken Parm Charlie?”

I have Turtleboy on my radio show most afternoons. On Friday, he said Jen McCabe has a worse set of teeth than George Washington did.

The most appealing thing about this case is that you can watch it and feel better about your own hometown. In Holbrook, they listen to Chicken Parm Charlie and realize that he makes their ex-selectman Daniel Lee look like Daniel Webster.

In Methuen, they see Canton’s Keystone Cops and think, you know, maybe Chief Solomon wasn’t that bad after all…

If Paul Revere could only see what’s become of Canton, he’d put the spurs to Brown Beauty and keep riding. Only instead of “The British are coming!” he’d be yelling something different.

“The white trash are coming!”