Say what you will about the state’s COVID-19 snitch line — it’s given all the Karens of Maskachusetts a newfound purpose in their lives.
Namely, to make sure that everyone complies with the comrades’ current fashions, shibboleths and superstitions.
We all know a Karen or two who’s busy ratting out her neighbors.
Karen tends to be a no-nonsense granny wearing sensible shoes and no makeup. Has a trust fund. Knits at public gatherings.
Last worked, long ago, at a nonprofit. Was the last person in her tree-lined suburban neighborhood to give up her subscription to the Globe. Still believes Elizabeth Warren is an Indian.
A century ago H.L. Mencken defined Puritanism as “the haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.”
And with the snitch line, the 21st-century Puritan Karen can put a halt to the happiness of others.
On Sept. 3, Karen called to report an outbreak of happiness in Stoughton:
“From my view, I could see at least 8 people standing around without a face covering with drinks in their hands. There was a low din of talking and then loud shouts of ‘Your turn!’ This continued past 11 p.m.”
People buying rounds! Enjoying themselves! This will not stand, comrades!
Same deal in Methuen Sept. 5. Dancing — isn’t that outlawed now? Karen dimes out the offending restaurant: “They have a live DJ and a complete club happening once the DJ starts. It’s crazy!”
Karen invariably has a sign in her front yard that says, “Hate has no home here.” Yet on Aug. 27 she called from her inherited house on Nantucket to report that the island was infested with “too many sick people from other states.”
Karen is very busy on Nantucket. She’s always complaining about the ferries and the Woods Hole parking lots:
“Total lack of social distancing. This was very upsetting! … Packed the buses so that its (sic) standing room only. Very dangerous practice.”
By the way, nobody has died on the Cape since Sept. 23. But Karens pay no attention to the actual statistics. Instead Karen calls the snitch line Sept. 5 to report a group of Harvard Business School students in a Nantucket house “partying.”
“They were playing loud music and no one was wearing face coverings.”
These damn kids! Just because no one under the age of 20 is dead in MA doesn’t mean you can have fun, comrades.
Nothing much has changed in Salem since the witch trials of 1692-3. Just ask Karen:
“At noon on 9/2/20 4 young women (college age) were at Forest River Park (parking lot near ball field) without masks. I advised them that masks are mandatory there. They ignored me, left the park and returned shortly, still no masks visible.”
On primary day, Sept. 1, Karen was in Peabody, diming out the cops: “The police officers on detail were not wearing masks inside the building.”
The 413 area code is also a hotbed of heresy and apostasy. Just ask Karen from Northampton:
“I was at this auto repair shop for over two hours. Not one person, once, wore a mask. No mechanics, counter employees, vendors that came into the building. Nobody at all. Not once. It was as if nothing at all was different.”
Nothing except your panic, terror and hysteria, Karen.
On Aug. 25, a motel in Westwood is visited by Karen:
“Management is allowing same-day guest check-out, housekeeping and new guest check-in (sometimes all this happens within 2-4 hours) without airing out rooms in between housekeeping/stays.”
Karen, did you ever hear of a no-tell motel?
Despite her adherence to all PC orthodoxies, Karen sometimes seems oblivious to the fact that certain scofflaws are exempt from rules that are enforced at, say, tire shops and gas stations.
Sept. 4, Worcester: “The resident called to report that at the Mosc (sic) the church (sic) has about 50 cars in the parking lot every Friday from 12 p.m. to 3 p.m.”
Prediction: nothing will happen to the “mosc.” Ditto this event in Springfield Aug. 25:
“There was a large gathering of approximately 100 people who went inside for a party. Nobody was wearing masks and they were coming in and out freely. Is this allowed?”
Depends on their immigration status, Karen.
Let’s close with some messages from some un-Karens. In Acton on Aug. 27, from “10 bakerforprison rd.” a caller mentions his concern about “treason.”
“Charlie Baker is disrupting our business. He is guilty of treason! He will be removed and will all of you puppets involved.”
But even better is un-Karen from Methuen. I don’t think he was a first-time caller:
“Another day goes by and we continue to defy your bs orders we will continue to have parties without face mask and without social distancing. Try to stop us (bleep) there is nothing you can do it’s called private property so suck my (bleep) you Nazis …”
Karen, you might want to stay out of Methuen. Too many Americans, not enough Puritans.