Karen in peak form on coronavirus snitch line

I hope this is the last column I ever have to write about the state’s Panic snitch line and the mentally ill Karens who keep calling it.

Even the Karens’ cult leader, Gov. Charlie Baker, claims to be resisting their desperate pleas to re-impose his idiotic lockdowns and mask nonsense.

H.L. Mencken once defined Puritanism as “the haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.”

That’s what the Department of Public Health’s snitch line is all about. The callers — and whatever their gender, they shall all be known as Karen – are obsessed.

What drives Karen crazy is the possibility that not everyone is overcome by the abject terror she feels over a seasonal virus that overwhelmingly kills only the morbidly obese and the very elderly.

Let’s go straight to the snitch line.

First stop, Cy Tenney Field in Peabody. It’s May 4 and adult softball season has started, and Karen knows what that means.

“Large gatherings after the game, no protection and close contact including sitting around the parking lot all hours of the night drinking alcohol beverages.”

All hours of the night? Doesn’t that sound like something your grandmother would say?

“All of this takes places in the same parking lot as Little Leaguers play and parents park their cars.”

Could some of those parents in Peabody actually be the same people who were tailgating the previous evening after their softball game?

Next stop, the Kennedy Middle School in Natick. It is May 11 — a day which will live in Karen infamy.

“Students are being instructed to cut holes in masks for indoor band practice. This procedure is prohibited by CDC guidelines and common sense.”

Because it’s obviously “common sense” to try to blow a horn while wearing a mask.

On May 17, Karen goes to Logan Airport and is absolutely shocked because it’s … a normal day.

“Hundreds of people crowded on top of one another. Kiosk areas packed with people. Security lines were a ¼ of a mile long — jam-packed. No orderly lines. NO SOCIAL DISTANCING. Absolute chaos … All breaching protocol and no one in charge/in control.”

Do you notice how triggered Karen gets in any situation where no one is “in charge/in control?”

Next stop, the North End in Boston. Karen visits a restaurant on Salem Street.

“Owner claims he can do whatever he wants. Go see his Instagram and see how blatant he is. He claims he is paying off everyone.”

I certainly would hope so. The hacks at City Hall have to make a living, too.

Karen turns the corner onto Hanover Street and grabs a table at another ristorante.

“They sat a group of 12 in front of my 16-year-old child. After I mentioned, they ignored.”

Even before the Panic, Karen didn’t get out very often. How else do you explain message on June 26 from Chelmsford?

“Caller states a large gathering at highway rest stop — no hand sanitizer available, no soap, and the porta-potty is overflowing, so people are moving into the woods.”

Karen, “people” who frequent rest areas in Chelmsford don’t usually care much about the hand sanitizer. I thought the state shut down these rather notorious gathering places, but apparently the new stops are just as, uh, unsanitary.

Next time you feel the need to pull over at a Chelmsford rest area, Karen, take the advice of Attorney General Maura Healey and just “hold it.”

Speaking of X-rated entertainment, Karen’s next stop is in Tyngsboro.

“This is a strip club. One of the workers recently traveled to Florida, didn’t use a mask and is planning to work Friday. Customers are also not regularly wearing masks.”

Not wearing masks at a strip club! Someone call “Dr.” Sudders.

In Medford, Karen is appalled to see an MBTA bus driver “not wearing mask per state law. Also letting passenger on without a mask per state law.”

Hey Karen, think of the driver — would you really want to mix it up with anybody who’s riding a bus these days?

Moving south, Karen stops at a country club in Canton and observes … a wedding.

“I don’t think a single person was wearing a mask. And it was a fairly large wedding with people of all ages.”

One good thing about these latest dispatches from the snitch line. There is now some pushback from oppressed citizens. A Haverhill resident wants to know why government buildings remain shut down. (Answer: because hacks like not working.)

Normal Americans this time sent in multiple complaints about the town of Brookline’s insistence on keeping the Panic going.

How typical is it, though, that Brookline would reject freedom? The town is full of liberals, who insist on dividing all human activity into two categories: mandated (masks) and outlawed (fun).

Hey Brookline, give up on getting the masks back and concentrate on stopping the return of those happy hours that your Gov. Mike Dukakis stamped out in the name of Puritanism.

Once you block happy hours, Brookline, you can go after just plain happy.

One final snitch report. Karen visits a lumber yard in Watertown on May 4 and notices that no one is wearing a mask.

“They continue to treat this like a joke.”

I can’t imagine why.