If You Give Ukraine a Billion…

If you give Ukraine a billion dollars, President Volodymyr Zelenskyy will ask for another billion. He’s a good businessman, and this cycle will repeat itself dozens of times, so we’ll skip ahead to save breath.

It’ll be hard for Americans to keep track of exactly how many tax dollars are being funneled to fund the foreign war, but don’t worry—the Treasury Department will announce that nothing has been misused!

Zelenskyy will gladly accept some military equipment, some troops, and some extra funding as insurance—and perhaps even a pre-emptive first-strike nuclear attack on Russia, if it can be arranged on the Q.T. He won’t directly ask for American celebrities to bully their credulous low-info fans into sticking blue and yellow flags on their social media profiles. It’ll be an added bonus!

After Zelenskyy collects the latest pallets full of American cash, he’ll want to dress up all wartime-chic for the occasion. He’ll splurge on some olive-green tops and cargo pants. Maybe his wife can pick up some fashionable faux-combat designer fatigues on her next shopping spree in Paris.

After all that shopping, Zelenskyy will need some rest and relaxation, and he’ll want to watch something to get his mind off the war. So he’ll put his combat boots up on the coffee table, make himself comfortable, and flip on That 70s Show.

Zelenskyy will enjoy the sitcom so much he’ll naturally want to have a chat with Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher. He’ll have his aides set up a Zoom call with the couple and rope them into fundraising for him, free of charge.


Zelenskyy will be so preoccupied with celebrity Zoom calls and begging the Biden family for more untraceable Brandon bucks that he’ll forget to include his lovely wife in any of the excitement.

But have no fear! Vogue will notice the lack of female representation in the Russia-Ukraine conflict, as they seem to do in everything. They’ll call up First Lady Olena Zelenska and slap her on the July cover.

Things will seem to go sour for a moment. The performative activism crowd will pick apart the Vogue shoot and, eventually, declare it a “romanticization of war.” Olena won’t get too many shoots after this. Hopefully she feels she got a sufficient 15 minutes of fame.

For her husband, however, the spotlight will keep shining. TIME will call up Zelenskyy and let him know they need him for their annual “Person of the Year” feature.

Zelesnkyy will recall his early years in school learning about TIME’s Man of the Year, Winston Churchill. He’ll adopt a “WWCD” (What Would Churchill Do?) attitude and wonder what actions to take next.

Understandably, Zelenskyy will want to address Congress—the United States Congress, that is.

He’ll let Congress know that Ukraine will never surrender. He’ll thank our elected officials for the artillery but claim it’s not enough. More cannons, more shells!

Zelesnkyy will realize, if he hasn’t already, that he can keep asking the U.S. for more. And the Biden crew will supply it! He’s sitting on all those records from Burisma, after all. Zelenskyy will ask for some American tanks, and soon, thirty-one M1 Abrams will show up at Ukraine’s doorstep.

Ukraine will get a little too brash and decide they’d like to take to the sky. Zelesnkyy will beg for some F-16 fighter jets. If we just have F-16s, we can win this thing, he’ll say.

President Biden’s handlers will realize that it’s far too soon and too obvious to send F-16s. They didn’t even use those in Top Gun: Maverick, and the American people might start to wake up to the fact that they’re funding this quickly escalating war!

Sure, Biden’s chief of staff Ron Klain, on his tearful way out the White House door the other day, will humble-brag about the administration’s having to “manage” the war. But no one is supposed to notice what Klain says, and after the word goes out to the comrades in state-run media, practically no one will.

Still, the Biden family will feel bad they can’t give Zelenskyy everything he’s asking for, so they’ll push to send Ukraine more money.

Perhaps another Billion will do the trick…or two?

After all, Olena’s going to need to check out the new spring fashions in Gay Paree.

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