If you can’t figure out what Joe Biden says, is it still a lie?

Live, from the basement, it’s Sleepy Joe Biden!

The big news this week of course was his denial from the cellar, on state-run Democrat television, that he raped his former aide Tara Reade back in 1993.

But there was more, much more, and as always, all dialogue is guaranteed verbatim.

First, however, let’s get Biden on the record denying this horrific allegation against him, which under the Uniform Code of Military Justice is not “sexual assault,” but rape.

Anyway, here’s Biden’s denial to Mika Brzezinski:

“Look at the facts. Check it out. Find out whether any of the what she says is asserted are true… To the best of my knowledge there’s been no complaint made against about me in terms of my Senate career, in terms of my office and anything that’s been run.”

Lunch Bucket Joe elaborated:

“I’m absolutely positive that no one that I’m aware of ever was been made aware of any complaint, a formal complaint made by or complaint by Tara Reade against me at the time this allegedly happened 27 years ago or until the I announced for pres — well I guess it was April or May of this year.”

It was the most forceful denial of a sex crime by a Democrat since Bill Clinton claimed he did not have sexual relations with that woman, Ms. Lewinsky, back in 1999. And we all know how truthful that turned out to be.

After his Lewinsky moment, Biden was questioned by another of MSNBC’s Democrat fluffers, Mr. Mika Brzezinski, also known as “Mourning” Joe.

Topic one: the rising death toll in the Panic of 2020.

Biden has this problem with statistics — before his wife locked him up in the basement, he was claiming that there were 720 million women in the workforce, that 150 million Americans have been killed by firearms since 2007, and that 40 students were shot at Kent State in 1970. (Remember the CSN&Y hit tune: “40 Dead in Ohio?”)

So how many have perished in the Panic, Mr. Vice President?

“Look Joe, over 600,000 dead — many of them who are people are those those those workers, those nurses, doctors, some of them, and we talk about that number like 600 plus thousand people. If each –“

At this point Mourning Joe had to step in and correct him. It’s apparently in the contracts of these Democrat operatives with press passes.

Like when Obama was on ABC bragging about his “Muslim faith,” and Clinton operative George Stephanopoulos had to respectfully interrupt to remind Barry that his publicly professed religion was actually “Christian.”

Anyway, Mourning Joe gently corrects Sleepy Joe with the actual number of 60,000, to which Joe continues, “Yeah, 660 –“

In addition to Mourning Joe, this week Biden remotely huddled in the basement with Hillary Clinton, and with a local news anchor from Miami. It was all comedy gold.

He advised Americans to “sake stock of where we are,” and to “profide” relief to victims of the Panic. However, don’t be fooled by any “fictition person” you might run into. But Biden’s word of the week was “intercourse” — rather unfortunate, given the Tara Reade situation.

Twice Biden brought up “intercourse,” as in “The pandemic is that the president has no intercourse whatsoever with the rest of the country — uh, the world.”

Which was a follow-up to his statement earlier in the week:

“We’re gonna have, you’re gonna have travel bans, you’re gonna not be able to do, have economic intercourse around the world, there’s a lot look –”

And now America turns its lonely eye to the Intercourse Man. Just ask him.

“I was put in charge of dis—getting in the middle of the recession, the last recession we had, the major recession.”

Rocket scientist that he is, Joe has identified the problem with the current relief efforts:

“Right now we’re in a situation where we have a uh an awful lot of small businesses being told by the big banks you’re you know uh uh uh you’re you’re not in line you don’t get it you’re not you you know and you know we should be moving in a direction to keep people on the payroll that’s what the money said uh uh that the money was gonna go to larger operations.”

Fascinating stuff, Mr. Vice President.

“We have to make sure we’re the one who sets the standards that the rest of the world repairs to.”

You see, it’s all about the essential workers on the front lines — “they’re the people driving buses and transportation facilities. … They’re the things, the folks keeping everything moving, everything going.”

And let us not forget … the survivors.

“You know we have to make sure all survivors, survivors of color, immigrants, survivors of Native surv — Native American survivors, older survivors, those with disabilities, the LBG, the LB, the LBGTQ community survivors, they all need support, we have to make sure survivors and services can be connected.”

The local anchor in Miami had the temerity to ask Sleepy Joe about the billion-five his son Hunter grabbed from Red China. With 600,000 dead and all, will taking all that dirty Chinese money be a problem for Biden?

“No, I don’t believe so at all. My son’s business dealings were not anything what everybody that he’s talking about not ever remotely number one —”

“In the meantime we cannot let up on what needs to be done you know one of the things uh that uh uh the uh every every morning this morning I did I get a brief from medical docs, on the status, the status of where things are and uh you know uh uh, the former head of uh uh anyway – ”

Can we quote you on that, Mr. Vice President?