How do your loans identify?

I know a guy in Billerica who, like most people, has grown weary of making the monthly mortgage payments on his house for decades.

But last week he emailed me some very good news, which may make his life a lot easier.

“My home mortgage has decided to self-identify as a student loan,” he said. “You know what that means? I will no longer have to pay it — ever!”

This is marvelous news, and I predict that “transitioning” all debt into student loans is going to be the next big thing in the equity racket.

I mean, if a guy can suddenly “self-identify” as a woman, then why can’t a past-due bill self-identify into a category where it doesn’t ever have to be repaid?

Personally, after studying my rather hefty recent credit-card statements, I’m beginning to “groom” my Visa bill to become a student loan — thus, I can claim “forbearance,” and suffer no “accrual” of interest payments.

Hey, what’s good for the queer-studies major should likewise be good for a taxpayer with two jobs, right? Surely the equal-protection clause of the 14th Amendment extends to debtors.

All deadbeats equal under the bankruptcy law.

If these goldbricking losers who owe over a trillion dollars in unpaid student loans don’t have to pay back the money they owe, why can’t an electrician tired of making payments on his F-150 simply “transition” the payment on his pickup into a … student loan?

Which he would then never have to repay.

Property taxes, credit lines, condo fees, alimony, child support, library fines, anything — why can’t normal people seek “bill reassignment surgery” and live large on the arm, like an illegal alien or a Democrat?

In case you missed it, perhaps because you’ve been working 70 hours a week to pay your bills, last week Dementia Joe Biden last week again extended the so-called moratorium on federal student-loan debt.

For those of you keeping score at home, this is the sixth time since March 2020 that the deadbeats have cashed in on this ongoing scam — twice under Trump and now four times under Brandon.

Such a deal — no one is required to pay down the principal on their loan, and no interest accrues. The only ones who don’t benefit from Uncle Sam’s largesse are those 300 million or so Americans who either didn’t go to college or paid their own way through.

By the way, nobody forced the affected scholars to take on these obligations. They could have gone into the military, or learned a trade, or gotten a real job. Or just paid what they owed.

But no, they wanted to study … sustainability, Third World slam verse or wind power for dummies.

One thing we know for sure is that none of these college kids took Latin, because otherwise they might have learned the meaning of that ancient phrase — Caveat emptor.

Let the buyer beware.

The taxpayers’ tab for the student-loan scam is estimated at $100 billion so far. This latest handout, which runs through August, will cost another $15 to $20 billion.

But it’s necessary for what AOC calls “working families,” which translated into English means “non-working non-families.”

God knows they need that extra $400 a month they’re pocketing on average — it pays for at least some of the tattoos, bling, weed and fortified wine they’ve been binging on these past two years.

This latest welfare grift comes at a time when the unemployment rate for those with bachelor’s degrees is 2%. Many of these deadbeats have been cashing in on all the other new handouts that proliferated during the Panic — like eviction bans, PPP, PUA, bonus food stamps, extra doles for children, more generous “unemployment” checks, etc.

The fact is, for tens of millions in the layabout community, the Panic has been their glory days.

And now this — allowing the most pampered, privileged pukes in society to skip out on $1.4 trillion they voluntarily took on in debt for their worthless degrees.

This rip-off must poll terribly for the Democrats. But the midterms are already looking so bleak that Dementia Joe’s caregivers may figure that the only way to avoid a total blowout is to give one final handout to the party’s ultimate core constituency — deadbeats.

Whenever I mention this subject on my radio show, the phone lines go crazy. Some listeners are demanding restitution. I prefer the word “reparations,” for its woke resonance.

The Democrats are already working smaller cons, like forgiveness for those in “public service,” i.e., hacks. As if being a “community advocate” for MS-13 gangbangers and fentanyl dealers is somehow more worthy than being a plumber or an Uber driver.

Some of my listeners tell me they passed up, say, vacations, or home improvements, so they could pay down their own student loans, or assure that their children wouldn’t be burdened with thousands of dollars in debt when they graduated.

So will the feds now pay for that European vacation they missed out on? Provide a down payment for the lakefront cottage they couldn’t afford because they behaved like responsible adults?

On one financial website, a reader asked the obvious question: “Can I get a refund if I already paid off my loans?”

Why not? It would only seem … fair. Oddly, though, the same Democrats who are always whining about equity and you paying your “fair share” are now strangely silent.

The same folks outraged by “Don’t Say Gay” have no problem whatsoever with “Don’t Say Pay.”

Hey, how about this as a possible solution — since the racketeering enterprise known as higher education has skimmed this grift for trillions of dollars, why don’t they throw in their endowments to pay down all the hippies’ delinquent loans.

Harvard alone has an endowment of $53.2 billion. You know what I call that?

A good start … on equity.