Expect more corrupt troopers, softball questions, Trump blaming in 2021
From the inscrutable East comes again Carnac the Magnificent with his infallible predictions for the New Year…
From the inscrutable East comes again Carnac the Magnificent with his infallible predictions for the New Year:
The state House of Representatives next week will reject a package of rules reform that includes a measure to term-limit the Speaker to a time period that runs concurrently with the federal statute of limitations.
In 2021, more scandals in Massachusetts will involve payoffs to small-town police chiefs for gun permits than indictments involving marijuana-licensing bribes to mayors.
Most commonly used word in Boston mayoral race (including “and” and “the”): racism.
Second most commonly used word in Boston mayor’s fight: systemic.
For a third year in a row, A.J. Baker’s alleged groping incident will “baffle” the feds — unless Rachael Rollins is the new U.S. attorney.
Less snowfall than usual this winter will be blamed on global warming.
More snowfall than usual this winter will be blamed on global warming.
Despite enduring disastrous years, both Gov. Charlie Baker and Coach Bill Belichick will get exactly the same number of tough questions from the Boston media:
After Jan. 20, the COVID-19 headlines “grim milestone” and “grim threshold” will vanish forever from the alt-left media.
Gov. Baker will never once be “disappointed” in a decision by Joe Biden.
Over-under line on how many MA state troopers will be indicted in 2021: 8.
Carnac advises, take the over.
Over-under on how many convicted state troopers will lose their pensions: 1.
Carnac advises, take the under.
The St. Patrick’s Day breakfast will be canceled again — it’s an ill wind that blows no good.
In March, the state Office of Campaign and Political Finance will issue an advisory to anyone checking out the reports of either Lt. Gov. Karyn “Pay to Play” Polito or AG Maura “Hold It” Healey to consider donning a hazmat suit before perusing the names of contributors.
Any summer droughts will be blamed on global warming.
Any unusually heavy summer rainfalls will be blamed on global warming.
If the COVID vaccinations are a success, they will be called the “Biden vaccines.”
Any fatalities will be blamed on “Trump’s rushed rollout.”
As layoffs approach, the MBTA and Massport will experience a huge spike in workplace injuries, also known as slip-and-falls.
Gov. Baker will at some point in 2021 threaten more statewide lockdowns to fight the alleged spread of a) homicide hornets, b) murder mosquitoes, c) squirrels in Colorado infected with bubonic plague, d) Burmese pythons slithering their way north from the Everglades, e) a GOP primary opponent against him, or f) all of the above.
Any abnormally large number of tropical storms in September will be blamed on global warming.
The absence of tropical storms in September will be blamed on global warming.
At least one of Charlie Baker’s unnamed, unverified, uncorroborated “friends” will finally perish of the virus, but not before phoning the governor from his deathbed to say, “Charlie, I wish I’d paid more attention to your endless hysterical fearmongering.”
Headlines you will NOT see in Boston in 2021:
“SJC rules against Baker’s ‘unconstitutional’ lockdowns.”
“Deval Patrick, Ayanna Pressley, now Michelle Wu — Why do you have to be from Chicago now to get elected in MA?”
“Ron Mariano Plays ‘Insider’ Game at State House — He’s a Hack; Katherine Clark Plays ‘Insider’ Game in DC — Isn’t She Marvelous?”
“Red Sox Will Suck Again in 2021.”
After a four-year absence, the word “unexpectedly” returns with a vengeance, as in, “The nation’s unemployment rate unexpectedly shot up again even though Joe Biden is president….”
The Mass. Restaurant Association will finally take a principled stand for what remains of its membership — just kidding!
In November, Mayor Marty Walsh will be re-elected — if he’s running against Michelle Wu.
In November, Mayor Marty Walsh will be defeated — if he’s running against Andrea Campbell.
“Devastating” layoffs and revenue shortfalls at UMass will be announced by a grim-faced President Marty Meehan, who under the school’s new austerity program will have his salary frozen at its 2019 level — $682,270.42 a year.
Casinos will be running wide-open long before churches, gyms or skating rinks — because Charlie Baker is “following the data,” the data of tax revenues.
Brilliant foliage next fall will be attributed to global warming.
Unusually dull foliage next fall will be attributed to global warming.
Gov. Baker and Lt. Gov. Polito will not appear as character witnesses at the impending criminal trials of two of their most loyal minions and campaign contributors — ex-Holyoke Soldiers Home boss Bennett Walsh and indicted MSP union boss Dana Pullman.
And Polito will not be posing for any more cute selfies with her BFF’s, indicted Lowell Rep. Dave Dangle or drug-dealing, money-laundering state cop Leigha Genduso.
Charlie Baker will celebrate Thanksgiving 2021 by declaring Santa Claus a “super spreader” of COVID (or flu, or the heartbreak of psoriasis or whatever else is needed to keep the Panic going) and place a $100 bounty on Jolly Old St. Nick.
Finally, 2021 will be a better year than 2020. It has to be. It can hardly be any worse.