Elizabeth Warren heading to political checkout counter

The good news for the fake Indian is, Joe Biden was also on the ballot in New Hampshire Tuesday.

The bad news is everything else.

See, the media only have room for one major political obituary every day, and Tuesday it was Creepy Joe’s turn. (Andrew Yang and Michael Bennet don’t count, never did, obviously.)

But don’t worry, Sen. Warren, your day is near. You’re approaching the political checkout counter. Take a number. You’re in the passing lane on the Trail of Tears, as your ancestors might put it, to the Happy Hunting Ground.

Speaking with forked tongue only take-um candidate so far. Fourth place — as an old Republic Pictures B-movie Indian might say, “Ugh.”

Think about the dimensions of her humiliation. There were two woke socialists on the Granite State ballot Tuesday, and Fauxchahontas finished second — dead last.

There were two women on the ballot, and Lieawatha finished second — dead last.

Now Elizabeth Warren moves on — excuse me, “limps” on. Let us consider all the other ways she will henceforward be described in journalistic boilerplate.

A “lackluster” finish in the “neighboring” state of New Hampshire was quite a blow to the “erstwhile frontrunner.” Lacking a “firewall,” she will soon be in a “do-or-die” moment.

Key word: die.

Of course, there were many … smoke signals as to the impending Wounded Knee (or is it a Horseshoe Bend, or a Tippecanoe?) that faced the high-cheekboned first woman of color at Harvard Law Tuesday.

First, CNN’s attempted assassination of Bernie based on Warren’s disputed-more-than-somewhat story of his misogyny failed, perhaps because CNN’s ratings are lower than those of the 2020 Oscars.

Last week, in Iowa, she finished fifth in Pocahontas County.

Then her slobbering fanzine The Boston Globe, couldn’t even see fit to give her 1/1024th of an endorsement. Then after the Friday night debate, the Globe, which has been waving the pompoms for her ever since she was first busted as a fake Indian by the New England Historical and Genealogical Society in 2012, didn’t give her any more than a C — very telling, since Globe scribes never stray even an inch from the party line.

Another ominous sign that the Globe was cutting its loses: Not a single fawning puff piece in the Sunday paper about her golden retriever, Bailey the Wonder Dog.

It hurts to get dumped by your first love, and so the fake Indian was distraught Sunday afternoon when she went to New Hampshire and exhorted her fans:

“Our democracy hangs in the balance, and it is up to you, Massachusetts, to decide what to do –“

At this point the nervous laughter erupted, the same kind of guffaws Uncle Joe got when he forgets Sarah Palin’s name, or calls Julian Castro “Julio” or describes a 21-year-old female college student as a “lying dog-faced pony solider.”

The fake Indian paused, then said: “Totally blew it on that one.”

At this point, Bailey the dog could have told his master how her campaign was looking: “Ruff!”

If Hollywood were making a movie about the Elizabeth Warren campaign, this is the moment at which Haley Joel Osmet appears and says, “I see dead people.”

Now the fake Indian leaks a staff memo to The New York Times — take that, Globe palefaces! — in which her campaign manager whistles past the graveyard, predicting a “long protracted fight.”

Meaning, she won’t be winning anything anytime soon.

“The process,” the Warren hack said, “won’t be decided by the simple horse race numbers in clickbait headlines.”

Horse race finishes are win-place-show. For Warren, it was show in Iowa, it was totally out of the money in the “neighboring state.”

Well, not totally out of the money. When the end finally comes — not so many moons from now — she can still retreat to her tony wigwam in Linnean Street in the People’s Republic of Cambridge.

It’s a very pricey teepee indeed — worth $4 million, according to the Wall Street Journal. She bought it in 1995 for $447,000, and when she needed to come up with the wampum, Harvard gave her a no-interest loan. It was the least they could do for the first woman of color, who wasn’t, a woman of color, that is.

In a piece on the candidates’ digs, the Journal reported: “Sen. Warren is a fixture in the neighborhood, and is often seen out walking with the couple’s dog, Bailey.”

The fake Indian knows she’s having a bad week when the Journal mentions your dog more than the Globe. By the way, Bailey, what kind of reception is your owner going to get in Nevada and South Carolina?

Rufffffff. Ruff.

Join Howie's Mailing List!

You have successfully subscribed!