Charlie Baker is the pope of panic

With the election dominating the news this week, perhaps you haven’t yet realized that the governor of Massachusetts finally made it official.

He’s started a new religion. Yes, he has. On Monday, Joe Biden’s favorite governor, “Charlie Parker,” issued his own version of the 95 Theses, only he called them “Targeted Measures to Curb Rising Cases.”

You must wear a mask — religiously. This is what the governor said, really:

“If people would just wear these things religiously for 30 days, we could kill the virus. Religiously wear them for 30 days.”

That’s all we’d need — 30 days. Just like he said we’d only need a 15-day shutdown to “flatten the curve.” That was eight months ago, in March.

Charlie is now the Pope of Panic Porn. His cult even features the usual prophets who foresaw his coming — the “folks in the epidemiological community” and of course, Dr. Anthony Fauci.

Dr. Fauci says everyone must wear a mask. Can someone shout amen, religiously, of course?

Of course Dr. Fauci also said on TV in March, “There’s no reason to be walking around with a mask.”

Does that make Fauci a heretic, or is he more like St. Augustine, a pagan who renounced his former heresies and ended up writing that theological classic, “The City of God.”

When Pope Parker writes his bible, he’ll call it “The City of Masks.”

This is a terrible pandemic, you know. Only 99.99% of the population will survive. You have to take a test to find out if you’re going to die, well, at least get sick, uh, scratch that — maybe test positive.

Obviously Charlie didn’t get the memo from the DNC that this gag is over now that all the fraudulent mail-in ballots are being counted. Charlie Parker actually seems to believe his own agit-prop.

In fact, he has declared today a high holy day in our new, mandated state religion here in Maskachusetts.

Wednesday night, it was perfectly safe, and legal, to be “abroad in the night” (to cite a law that was once on the books).

Until midnight, the virus would not strike you down if you were shopping, or dining or having an adult beverage in a licensed establishment.

But as of 12:01 Friday morning, the truce ended. The virus is attacking, on all fronts. Which means that last night was truly the Last Supper, at least here in Maskachusetts.

Let me cite some of the New Commandments, for indeed they are commandments — requirements.

“Adult-use marijuana sales must cease at 9:30 p.m. (not including medical marijuana).”

If the virus spots you with a bag of weed tonight, does it ask to see your “prescription?” And if you don’t have one, it infects you?

Restaurants — in-person dining must cease at 9:30 p.m., although takeout and delivery may continue for food and nonalcoholic beverages, but not alcohol.

So … if you leave a restaurant after 9:30 with a Coke, you’re OK, the virus will leave you alone. But if you try to sneak out a Cuba Libre — a rum and Coke – you’re dead!

As the state’s new Cotton Mather, Charlie Parker knows what is stopping his flock from following his commandments. No, it’s not the Devil, it’s the virus.

On Monday at the State House, his voice rose and broke as he railed against the wages of sin.

“The virus can’t survive unless it can jump for me to you to you to you to you to you to you to you. It’s got a shelf life in each individual and the way it survives is by jumping from one person to the next!”

Virus, get thee behind me!

To discourage that path to perdition, a cult leader must carefully observe his subjects, I mean his flock. Last weekend, sinners were trying to have fun. It was Halloween, after all.

What was Charlie Parker doing? He was lurking on Facebook and Instagram, monitoring Halloween parties, checking up on the backsliding.

“Anybody who spent any time on social media this past weekend following sort of the um activities of those involved in Halloween … .”

Talk about micromanaging. He was spying on little kids’ parties to make sure nobody was sinning. A lot of the brethren obeyed the word of the Lord, but, but (there’s always a “but” with these religious zealots):

“There were also just hundreds and hundreds of pictures of parties that went on way into the night where no one was social-distancing and people were piled all over and on top of one another!”

Some of those parties continued on until the Sabbath! Brethren, ye must repent your sins and stay on the straight and narrow.

“We do need to adjust how we live and accept the responsibility that we have every single day to fight COVID. We all need to show it the respect that it demands!”

Therefore, as of midnight Friday, no “unregulated gatherings,” and that includes “big birthday parties, baby showers or watching football.”

You know what really irritates the Pope of Panic Porn? Those who “ignore the rules.” Especially these damn kids.

“Young people need to stop having big house parties and we’re planning to talk with local officials about how we can work with them to prevent these events going forward.”

Just because only one person under the age of 20 has died of this in Massachusetts since the Panic was first ginned up eight months ago, somehow they think they’re safe.

So Charlie’s got his new religion, effective at midnight today. But I predict that a Reformation is coming to Massachusetts, in 2022.

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