Charlie Baker blowin’ in the wind

You don’t need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows – you just need Gov. Charlie Baker.

In case you missed it, the failed politician Dementia Joe Biden calls “Charlie Parker” is hanging up the rented white lab coat and stethoscope that served him so well in the late Panic to go into meteorology.

All you local TV weathermen whose names nobody knows anymore — move over, because Tall Deval is muscling in on your racket.

Here he was on Wednesday, explaining his recent fascinating discoveries about weather in New England.

All dialogue guaranteed verbatim.

“This previous summer we experienced four significant heat waves, more than 25 days of over 90 degrees, three tropical storms, a record amount of precipitation and significant flooding across the state.”

Heat waves? In the summer? Imagine that. And the temperature rose above 90 degrees?

Hot enough for ya, Charlie? You know what I always say? It’s not the heat, it’s the humidity.

To sum it up, if you don’t like the weather in New England, just wait 5 minutes. Mark Twain said that, and he died in 1910. But Charlie Parker has just realized what’s going on forever — and he’s decided it’s going to be the end of the world.

“We’ve already experienced many of the impacts associated with climate change.”

He’s right, you know. I can remember, in late June, it stayed light outside until almost 9 o’clock. Now the sun goes before my radio show is over. Scary, man.

And governor, I don’t want to alarm you, but have you noticed that most of the leaves on the hardwood trees have changed color? What’s up with that? Some of the leaves are starting to … fall off the trees!

“We certainly anticipate this will only intensify over time.”

So what’s the forecast, Governor? I know, you and the other chicken littles shy away from those seven-day forecasts offered by your rivals on local TV news – after all, you can be called out on those prognostications when you get ’em wrong.

Charlie Parker, as well as Al Gore and John Kerry and AOC — they only do the macro-forecasts, because you can’t fact-check predicted apocalyptic events that won’t occur for decades, or maybe even centuries.

Remember, Charlie has only the vaguest idea what the weather will be for the third ALCS game at Fenway next Monday, but he’s damn certain what will be happening by 2050 …

“The Northeast is projected to experience some of the most drastic impacts from climate change, from extreme temperature to drought impacting crop yields … to significant inland flooding.”

Now that could be a problem — droughts and flooding occurring simultaneously. Is there anything climate change can’t do?

I haven’t been this frightened since Charlie Parker told us last year that we could die of COVID if we only ordered an appetizer at a restaurant, but we had nothing to worry about if we sprung for an entree.

Thank God he dispatched his hack turkey inspectors to the supermarkets last Thanksgiving to make sure shoppers weren’t buying Butterballs or Oven Stuffers of more than 12 pounds.

Those were Charlie Parker’s glory days. He was the pope of panic porn. Under his stewardship, Massachusetts last year managed to combine both the nation’s third-highest COVID death rate as well as the highest unemployment rate (for two months).

But the COVID grift is coming to an end. It’s now making the Democrats look bad, so it’s going to disappear.

He needs a new scam, which is why he’s become the weatherman. Because unlike FDR, who said the only thing we have to fear is fear itself, the only thing Charlie has to offer is fear itself.

Gov. Chicken Little has been test-marketing his new hysteria for a while now. Remember a couple of months ago, when the hurricane was headed to Boston? (It didn’t make it.) He went on TV and grimly warned against the threat of “giant puddles?”

Of course there’s only one way out. Higher taxes! Thank goodness, Charlie Parker is all in on that solution. That’s where his Transportation and Climate Initiative (TCI) comes in — if only he can jack up the state tax on a gallon of gasoline from 24 to 62 cents a gallon, we may be able to survive the scourge of giant puddles.

Scaring the rubes by pointing up at the sky is one of the oldest cons in the book. Back in 1504, Christopher Columbus had beached his ships in Jamaica, and after six months the natives were getting restless — they’d stopped the daily food deliveries.

Columbus consulted an astronomy book, and discovered that a lunar eclipse was imminent. He called the natives’ chief and told him that God was angry the free eats to the Spanish had stopped, and that He would soon show Elizabeth Warren’s ancestors just how disturbed He was.

That night, the natives saw the moon disappear, as predicted, and as Columbus’ son later wrote: “With great howling and lamentation they came running from every direction to the ships, laden with provisions …”

Charlie’s hoping for the same results. Only he doesn’t want provisions, just that 62-cent-a-gallon tax on gasoline.

Climate change, it’s not just for summer anymore. Remember the winter of 2015? Weatherman Charlie surely does.

“It started to snow and it snowed for 28 days in a row and um that was my introduction to some of the issues associated with climate …”

I guess he wasn’t alive in, say, the winter of 1978.

By the way, weatherman Charlie wanted me to leave you with just one warning for the weekend. Watch out for the giant puddles.

Listen to Howie from 3-7 p.m. on WRKO-AM 680.

Join Howie's Mailing List!

You have successfully subscribed!