Harvard Ticket Out of Jail

If I ever get jammed up criminally, I ask for no special favors.

I just want to be treated like 64-year-old Harvard egghead Charles Lieber.

All the professor did was secretly pocket hundreds of thousands of dollars in cash from the Red Chinese, open a bank account in Wuhan (does that name ring a bell?), cheat the IRS by not paying income taxes on his blood money from the Islamophobic genocidal murderers after which he lied to the feds about his unspeakable string of crimes against humanity.

Ex-chemistry professor Lieber pleaded guilty to all the above – six felonies altogether. He was sentenced on Wednesday in federal district court in Boston.

Lieber got two days. Two days! Which he’d already served, by the way, when he was first lugged.

I repeat, two days.

It’s great to be a Democrat, isn’t it?

It’s also great to be a Harvard professor, emeritus, I guess you’d call him. He was sentenced by a woman the Harvard Crimson so aptly described as “Judge Rya Zobel ’53.”

In other words, Harvard (she went to both Radcliffe and Harvard Law) was taking care of Harvard. In case you were wondering, Judge Zobel is 91 years old.

I suppose if you’re 91 years old, maybe two days seems like a long sentence, maybe even a life sentence.

Lieber’s lawyer, by the way, is Marc Mukasey. He went to Dartmouth College and then Yeshiva University’s law school. His dad (Columbia, Yale Law) was the attorney general for President George W. Bush (Yale).

And you wonder why the thieving pointy-headed traitor didn’t even get a slap on the wrist. Everybody in that courtroom comes from the same rarefied, trust-funded circles, none of which is the School of Hard Knocks.

Millionaire pampered puke Lieber was pocketing payoffs from a university in Wuhan, before the Reds concocted a virus to destroy US society and kill 1.1 million Americans.

But what the hell did Lieber care? He was getting rich, filthy rich. That’s the veritas.

In three years, according to the feds, the Communists handed their secret agent “a salary of up to $50,000 a month, living expenses of up to $150,000 and approximately $1.5 million to conduct joint research at Wuhan University of Technology.”

The Reds delivered some of the cash to Lieber in brown paper bags full of $100 bills. Sometimes it really is all about the Benjamins.

Of course there’s an ostensible reason why the Beautiful People took care of the Beautiful Person, other than the obvious ones.

You see, Lieber is sick. He has a terminal disease. Stop me if you’ve heard this one before.

“In prison,” his lawyer, the attorney general’s son from Dartmouth, told the double-Harvard 91-year-old senior judge, “he will be a sitting duck for disease.”

Kinda like the Muslim Uighurs are sitting ducks for genocide at the hands of Lieber’s paymasters.

He has lymphoma. But guess what – it’s in remission! Again, stop me if you’ve heard this one before.

“We think it was the appropriate decision,” Mukasey said of the non-sentence, “so that Charlie can keep up his fight against his severe health issues.”

Sal DiMasi could not be reached for comment.

Zip Connolly could not be reached for comment.

For his collaboration with the bloodiest butchers on the planet, Lieber does get six months “house arrest.” He resides in Lexington, once the home of Minutemen, now the home to crackpot lefties who’ve lately been blowing into Massachusetts and destroying it – among others Noam Chomsky, Jonathan Gruber and of course Lieber.

House arrest means Lieber will probably be able to continue his real life’s work– growing giant pumpkins in both his front and back yards.

In 2020, the year he was arrested, Lieber grew the largest pumpkin ever in Massachusetts – 2,276 pounds.

Do you know how many brown bags of bloodstained Red Chinese $100 bills you can hide in a 2,276-pound pumpkin?

You can call Lieber “Professor Pumpkin.”

Do you remember a teacher – a master — from Phillips Andover Academy back in the 1990’s named David Cobb?

Cobb was known as “Pumpkin Man.” He was convicted in New Hampshire as a sex offender for trying to lure little boys into his house.

He called himself “Pumpkin Man” or “Pumpkin.” Cobb carried with him what amounted to a rate card for how much he’d pay the children for “assisting pumpkin.” You don’t want to know what he wanted assistance with.

“I didn’t do it,” Pumpkin Man insisted at trial.

Professor Pumpkin, on the other hand, admitted Wednesday that he had taken millions from his Red Chinese masters.

“I would like to express my sincere apologies and remorse for my actions,” Professor Pumpkin said.

Professor Pumpkin – two days. Pumpkin Man – 11 years.

If I ever get sick, I just hope I can get the same kind of miraculous medical treatment as Sal DiMasi and Zip Connolly.

And now, Professor Pumpkin.