Booth suggestions for Charlie Baker’s summer picnic

Save the date!

It’s almost time for that most eagerly anticipated annual gathering in the hackerama– the Charlie Baker-Karyn Polito Summer Picnic in, where else, Shrewsbury, Ground Zero of Massachusetts’ GOP scandalapalooza.

They’ve booked the usual venue – SAC Park. But this summer’s festivities are a little later than usual, Sept. 14, mostly because all the state hacks have been so preoccupied with pointing fingers at one another, dodging camera crews and yelling over their shoulders, “I know nooooothing!”

Let’s consider how to make this event fun for kids from 8 to 80.

When you host a get-together that attracts a lot of people from one field, vendors who cater to that group like to set up booths, right? For instance, I’m sure John Deere rented a huge pavilion at the recent Iowa State Fair to showcase their newest farm equipment.

The Baker-Polito fair could have a huge tent for defense lawyers. I mean, even if you’re just a member of the executive board of the State Police Association of Massachusetts (SPAM), you’re probably going to get a subpoena from the grand jury.

Oh sure, the feds may just be fishing for more witnesses against Dana Pullman, but what trooper wants to risk getting jammed up, with his six-figure pension on the line? You need reasonable doubt at a reasonable price.

Another suggestion: How about one of those interactive displays so popular in theme parks?

You know, the MBTA is no longer Mr. Bulger’s Transportation Authority. Now it’s Mr. Baker’s Transportation Authority.

So how about an “immersion module,” like at the Ted Kennedy Institute/Massage Parlor, only instead of recreating the US Senate chambers, this module would give fairgoers the experience of riding any of the MBTA’s “rapid transit” lines.

Ride the simulated Orange Line – gasp for air as the color-coded “orange flames” come out from under the car!

Red Line – experience the thrills ‘n’ chills of this morning’s derailment in Dorchester!

Green Line – Brace yourself for our next “operator-error” caused rear-end crash!

There’s only one thing lacking at the MBTA Pavilion at the Baker-Polito Summer Fair, and that’s Tall Deval himself. If they ever write a song about Baker, you can bet it won’t be titled, “Charlie on the MTA.”

This picnic is all about state employees bonding over their phony-baloney jobs. The administration needs to remind their payroll patriots what state service is all about – how about trucking in a few of those 72 mail bins full of unfiled license suspensions from Registry headquarters in Quincy? Please don’t touch – no fingerprints.

Since Tall Deval and Karyn are at least nominally still “Republican,” the picnic should include a pro forma nod to family values. How about a short ceremony in the main pavilion where Charlie can present a trophy to the Hack Family of the Year?

My nomination: the Pullmans of Worcester. The patriarch is Dana, just arrested by the feds last week, ex-president of SPAM, now collecting the kiss in the mail, $62,976 a year. And his lovely bride, Melissa, also 57. She’s been retired from the State Police since 2005, and is now grabbing $58,438.44 a year.

Then there’s her brother, David Patterson, another statie and a former member of his brother-in-law’s executive board at the union. Sgt. Patterson made $153,479.37 on the job last year.

The only Pullman family member not making an appearance at the awards ceremony will be “Individual A,” as she is described in the criminal complaint against Dana, her boyfriend. But the gal pal deserves some recognition, because she proves what a loving family the Pullmans are.

I mean, while Dana Pullman and “Individual A” were jetting off for romantic weekends in Miami, the feds say Mrs. Pullman was going to the bank to deposit the kickbacks her lover-boy husband was collecting from his co-defendant lobbyist.

Nothing says family values like cashing your cheating husband’s payoffs while Sugar Daddy is trysting with his girlfriend at the no-tell motel.

Every fair needs games of chance – how about “What’s My Scandal?” Bring out a hack who wants to be nominated for, say, a clerk-magistrate’s job, but Tall Deval is balking. Karyn would be the emcee, naturally, the Alex Trebek of the hackerama.

Panelists could ask questions and try to guess what scandal has stalled the GOP worthy.

Has your spouse just been lugged for a second OUI, and you’re ticketed for a court where the judge’s daughter had a very big problem with heroin and prostitution – is that the holdup for your nomination, Contestant A?

Contestant B, is your headache that you signed off hundreds of thousands on bogus expenses on cheat sheets?

The Baker-Polito Summer Picnic 2019 – if you’re indicted you’re invited!