Are you happy hunched over your laptop?
I told you so.
I told you Charlie Baker is the worst governor in state history, worse than Mike Dukakis, worse than Jane Swift, worse than Deval Patrick – you name ‘em, Charlie Parker sucks worse.
Do you believe me now?
As you sit hunched over your laptop, trying endlessly to get an appointment for a vaccination on the incompetently designed state website, as you continue futilely attempting to access the nearly worthless state unemployment website, or as you go cross-eyed trying to make an appointment to complete the simplest task at the Registry of Motor Vehicles, ask yourself this:
Has your life gotten better, or worse, since the man Joe Biden calls Charlie Parker became governor?
Charlie Parker says his hair is on fire. What about his pants? Are they on fire too? After all, he sold himself to the electorate as a competent manager.
At least Mussolini made the trains run on time. What the hell has Charlie Parker done right?
His trains run empty, like the subways, the malls, all the office buildings in Boston, the 40% of the state’s restaurants that have gone out of business and will never return.
But it’s not Charlie’s fault, just ask him, and he’ll respond — if incoherently.
“The lack of supply,” he said Tuesday, “that’s attached to the issue associated with vaccines is a tremendously anxiety-provoking issue.”
Especially since he’s been terrifying people for almost a whole year now, telling them they’re going to die if they don’t get the vaccine. But then when it became available, he didn’t have a clue how to deliver it to them.
Tuesday, he kept repeating the same lame numbers – “a top 10 daily doser … among our peer states … number one among states our size.”
Massachusetts is also number one in the number of attempts to get an appointment just to find out there aren’t enough doses. Which raises the question, if there were only 130,000 doses a week for 450,000 people who wanted them, as Charlie claimed, why did he double the number of those eligible?
But it’s all the feds’ fault — again, just ask him.
Don’t worry about that website though — “user interface improvements” are on the way! No wonder his poll numbers are so high, or so the hacks on his payroll keep telling us.
Too bad Charlie didn’t devote nearly as much effort to the vaccination program as he did to the multiple snitch lines the state set up to make sure his insane mask mandates were enforced.
But all this is of a pattern. Every order he issues turns immediately to … ordure, shall we say.
Charlie, just because you wanted to get some blue-collar Democrat votes in Hampden County didn’t mean you had to hire the former district attorney’s unqualified nephew to run the Holyoke Soldiers Home — even if he did give you $950 and another $1,000 to Lt. Gov. Karyn Polito.
Ditto, all those Quincy and Braintree hacks that you put on the Registry of Motor Vehicles payroll in Quincy. How many people are dead because of Charlie’s hack hires?
For a year, across the nation, all these phony-baloney governors blamed everything on Donald J. Trump. Now Trump is living large in Palm Beach and the walls are closing in, to coin a phrase, on all these Alibi Ikes in the state capitols.
The feds are coming after Andrew Cuomo, Gavin Newsom in California is facing a recall, in Maryland the fat slob governor Larry Hogan just unveiled his vaccination program and the Baltimore Sun ran this headline:
“Sign-Up Website Is Immediately Overwhelmed.”
Stop me if you’ve heard this before.
Closer to home, Charlie Parker felt safe as he had that amen chorus in the media behind him. He knew he could talk about “folks” and “data” and “protocols” and let “Dr.” Sudders answer an occasional question and they’d all be lapping it up with a spoon.
Remember those televised live press conferences on TV at noon? First they were every day. Then every other day. Now twice a week, tops.
He bangs his fists, he plays with his wedding ring, he puts his hands in his pockets, his voice cracks like a young boy going through puberty.
The Globe swooned. Now the bow-tied bum kissers run a photo of his hair on fire.
“Charlie Parker took an axe/ And gave the nursing homes 40 whacks.”
When you’ve lost the trust-funders at the Globe, you’ve lost Maskachusetts. And when the likes of Rep. Tami Gouveia and Sen. Diana DiZoglio have your number — it’s time to move on. Or at least open the schools — just like Gavin Newsom in California. When hacks feel the heat, they see the light, as Reagan used to say.
He has to appear before a legislative committee tomorrow, but he’ll be facing more lightweights. Come to think of it, these days, even against the hacks in the General Court, Charlie Parker may be fighting above his weight class.