A New Edition of the Biden Mumble Report
It’s time for another edition of Weekend at Biden’s.
Dementia Joe has been busy, accomplishing in a mere six months what it took Jimmy Carter four years to do — generally laying waste, both at home and abroad, to a once successful and prosperous society.
No wonder Biden called a “lid” on his arduous schedule at 11:27 a.m. one morning last week, and then took a slide to Camp David on Thursday.
Despite the horrific news on inflation, Afghanistan and the invasion of the southern border by hundreds of thousands of virus-infected foreign criminals, Joe took time out to announce some positive news.
As always, all dialogue guaranteed verbatim:
“The latest report on consumer prices shows prices show that we’ve expanded some easing uh excuse me the expected easing we thought was gonna come has increased that we are we’ve seen a good monthly report.”
At another appearance, he said, “I used to drive an 18-wheeler, man.” (He didn’t, man.)
Twice recently he has misidentified the Food and Drug Administration as the “Federal Drug Administration,” as in this promise: “That’s why I’ve instructed the Federal Drug Administration to get these genetic drugs to consumers.”
Not generic, but genetic. Dementia Joe can no longer read even the simplest words off the Teleprompter, or from his briefing books, or note cards.
He sees transmissible and says “transmissionable.” (He’s a car guy, you know.) He calls one of his pork bills “our Build Back Pletter plan.” He sees the word honor and reads it as “iron.”
He’s never taken a drink, but Biden now slurs worse than Ted Kennedy after a bucket of bad ice cubes. Biden pronounces vision as “veshin,” address as “duress.” Pursue becomes “perzoo.”
Survivors comes out as “fur-virors.”
Accidents become “hackidents.” He worries over “inflationary pressian uh pressures.” Because, you know, prices “dramatically outpraced inflation.”
As for pronouncing “prescription,” forget about it. It’s totally beyond him. But this week he did brag about one accomplishment.
“Nationwide we get the breast prices for the products at home and abroad.”
Presumably those “breast prices” are on what Dementia Joe was referring to last month as “prescription jugs.”
As always, Dementia Joe had a lot to say about COVID-19. He urged the “unvashinated” to get the jab.
He talked up “vaxation” rates — not vaccination, or vacation, or even vexation. He invented a new word — vaxation. Such linguistic concoctions are called neologisms — yet another word Dementia Joe doesn’t know the meaning of.
As always, he had some problems with names and titles. He said Trump was president in 2009.
(“Freudian slip,” he explained.)
In Ohio, he gave a shout-out to Sen. Rob Portman as “a Congressman from this area.” He called the governor of Michigan, Gretchen Whitmer, “Jennifer.” (Jennifer Granholm used to be Michigan governor, and is now his Energy secretary.)
He called Fox News Channel “Fax.” He confused the governor of Arkansas with an old Steely Dan album — “Aja Asa Hutchinson.”
I always enjoy Dementia Joe’s latest take on economic affairs. Here he is on outsourcing jobs:
“Well, hire the American company, but that ‘Merican company is gonna have subsidiary overseas where non-American Americans don’t work where it’s much cheaper they can make more money and they’re gonna say we have to have that as part of the chain of building the products.”
You don’t say, Mr. President.
Dementia Joe is a Renaissance man. If he wasn’t president, he could be working for “the Forest Department,” as he calls it. That’s how profound his understanding of the timberlands is.
“Because of climate change as well where you have bugs insects eating up the trees as well making things that that are changing and killing the forest themself then and they become real tinder and uh it’s like you know uh dropping a match in a you know in a almost like in a pool of fuel.”
Bugs — insects — eating trees? Who knew? Woodpeckers knew. What will he tell us next?
Here are some more of Dementia Joe’s Greatest Hits, August edition:
“And by the way, one of the things I’ve gotten able to get done I’ve get uh I have overwhelming support from the African American clergy that I sort of come from in my sort of support.”
“But they accept it as gospel that working folks aren’t gonna aren’t are are are are gonna get left behind not be able to keep up.”
“I’ve been saying from the very beginning when I announced that uh I’m tired trickle down it doesn’t work very well.”
“We have to resturn it to some decency and honor and uh it’s just anyway. …”
“Make no mistake the less the exla the excuse me the escalation.”
“It’s a lot of money it’s over 500 million dollars billion new money over those eight years.”
“Help the Cuban bypass the Cuban people bypass the censorship that’s being mandatorily imposed.”
“Up the they’re down the road in Bethlehem or up the road in Bethlehem I should say.”
“As well as individual sanctions against the chief and deputy of chief the chief and deputy chief.”
“Cleaning up and calfing capping the orphan wells.”
“We’ve trapped uh we’ve tapped additional aircraft from the Department of Defense.”
“Given half a chance, there’s not a thingle single thing you can’t do.”
“We’re gonna discuss a wide range of issues all of us here tonight today.”
“I inherited this job.”
That’s one way to put it, I suppose. As Gertrude Stein said of Oakland, there is no there there.