It’s Not Easy Being a Bagman, Just Ask Hunter Biden

It’s not easy being a bagman – just ask R. Hunter Biden.

On the plus side, it beats working.

Collecting cash for his corrupt father allows Hunter to devote more time to the things that he believes make life worth living – smoking crack cocaine, getting drunk, knocking up strippers, procuring high-end hookers, committing perjury on federal firearms forms, etc.

The downside? You have to turn over between 10 and 50 percent of your ill-gotten gains to the Big Guy.

Until Hunter’s laptop became a national scandal (except in state-run Democrat media, which continue to totally ignore it) a lot of people were unfamiliar with the word “bagman.”

The Oxford dictionary definition is, “An agent who collects or distributes the proceeds of illicit activities.”

But there’s a different definition that probably fits Hunter better: someone “who runs errands for other criminals.”

In this case, the other criminal is the president of the United States.

Legally, the bagman operates in a nether world. His m.o. is unethical, improper, but sometimes it’s not quite criminal. That’s why the definition is so nebulous. For that matter, what exactly is a “payoff?”

Some people can give a politician money legally. Others can’t.

There was a famous case in Massachusetts in 1974, three days before the statewide elections. A sitting state judge hand-delivered a $1000 check to the Dover home of then-Gov. Frank Sargent. He said it was from his mother-in-law. The idiot judge dropped it off with a state trooper.

Sarge immediately smelled a rat. He told the cops, “Get it back to this jerk!”

Governor’s Councilor Sonny McDonough was a student of the game, having survived a scandal a few years earlier in which five of his colleagues had gone to prison for shakedowns. One of them, a fellow by the name of “Iron Mike,” had an actual rate card for pardons and commutations.

Sonny read the stories about the judge and was appalled. Amateur hour!

“Never give money to a cop,” he explained, “unless it’s for the cop. They always assume it’s for them.”

Sonny elaborated: “You know what I really hate? When a cop gives me $300. Because I never know if he’s stolen $200 or $700.”

The most successful bagmen are either lawyers or “lobbyists.” With a lawyer, you have attorney-client privilege which is tough to pierce (unless you’re a defendant named Donald Trump). Lobbyists can be hired and then after banking their totally legal retainers they can… well, you know.

The Godfather said “Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.” And keep your bagmen even closer yet. Ted Anzalone was accused of being Mayor Kevin White’s bagman. He beat two raps in federal court. Kevin never wavered in his support of Anzalone, for obvious reasons.

In fact, Kevin once publicly said of Anzalone, “He comes as close to a minor saint as anyone I know.”

Dementia Joe speaks just as highly of Hunter: “He’s the smartest man I know.”

Using a family member as your bagman doesn’t always end well though. Remember Nicky “Pockets” Mavroules, the crooked ex-Congressman and mayor of Peabody.

His bagman was his son-in-law, who had a hack state job. The problem was when the son-in-law’s marriage to Pockets’ daughter broke up. He began recording conversations with Pockets. Soon he was testifying that his father-in-law, a darling of the Democrat left, used a code for pickups.

“Five bottles of wine” was $5000. Rep. Mavroules’ Bureau of Prisons number was 19168-038.

It may be lucrative, but it’s not always easy being a bagman. Hunter Biden’s lifestyle doesn’t just put him at risk for cirrhosis of the liver. It’s pretty clear he’s also suffering from incipient cirrhosis of the soul.

Consider the assessment of his character by two Arabs who were thinking of hiring him for a mission in 2015. They acknowledged his obvious assets, including, “#2 son… with dad he is connected everywhere… He said he has access to highest level in PRC (China), he can help there.”

But there are negatives. With bagmen there always are. Here are the Obama donors spelling out the downside of paying off Hunter:

“His negatives are that he is alcoholic, drug addict – kick out of US Army (actually Navy) for cocaine. Chasing low class hookers, constantly needs money-liquidity problems and many more headaches.”

The problem with most bagmen is that they eventually begin thinking like one of Sonny McDonough’s cops – they come to believe that it’s their cash that they’re picking up.

Read Hunter’s laments to his daughter on the abandoned laptop. He complains that he would never ask his offspring to kick back half the way he’s always been required to for “Pop.”

Still, you must give Hunter credit for coming up with a new racket – the paintings. Traditionally, pols have used “books” to, uh, supplement their income. The problem with “books,” though, is that they leave a paper trail, or should I say, a lack of a paper trail.

The mayor of Baltimore was writing “children’s books” which she then sold to agencies she controlled. Her name was Catherine Pugh. Her BOP number is 65148-037.

The beauty of Hunter’s “paintings” is that the capital investment is so infinitesimal. One canvas, a tube or two of paint – and viola, you pocket $750,000! The Democrat fat cats Hunter is “selling” to don’t even care if he doesn’t throw in a frame. Just roll up the “art” and mail it to the Hamptons or Boca or Beverly Hills in a shipping tube.

What’s the Big Guy’s take on the paintings?

The best bagman, of course, is the politician himself. As in every business, even monkey business, you maximize profits by cutting out the middleman.

The master of this was a longtime Boston hack, former city councilor and state rep James Coffey. He lived on Condor Street in East Boston and he was a vulture when he came to taking money.

Councilor Coffey’s nickname, which he bestowed upon himself, was, “I’ll Take a Buck!”

A buck! Those were simpler times. Now Rep. Andy Biggs says the Biden Crime Family may have grabbed up to $100 million from sinister foreign nationals.

Hunter “I’ll Take a Hundred Million Bucks!” Biden. Doesn’t have quite the same ring, does it?

(Pre-order Howie’s new book, “Paper Boy: Read All About It!” at howiecarrshow.com.)