I have discovered the secret to eternal life

I have discovered the secret to eternal life.

Become a double-dipping ex-Massachusetts hack state judge, and you will never die.

Mainly because, you can’t afford to die. You’d lose those two bloated kisses in the mail, which in some cases now add up to more than $200,000 a year.

Am I right, ex-Judge Robert Cosgrove, “special prosecutor” in the endless Karen Read-related show trials. Right now he’s actually triple-dipping — at least until District Attorney Michael “Meatball” Morrissey leaves office in disgrace in January and the persecutions finally sputter to an end.

Every time 74-year-old Cosgrove dodders into court and does his best babbling impersonation of Joe Biden, I think about his half century of gold-plated leisure at the expense of working people.

Two state pensions: $139,691 for his judicial “service.” And another $64,653 as a former DA. And now on top of that $204,344, Cosgrove grabs yet a third check for trying to expose Karen Read to what amounts to triple jeopardy.

The greediest double-dipping local ex-judge is 78-year-old Timothy Hillman, who’s pocketing both state and federal judicial pensions. He’s from Chicago, because aren’t they all? Just ask Michelle Wu, Ayanna Pressley, Deval Patrick, etc.

Hillman’s been collecting a $90,412 pension from the state since 2013, and he finally retired as a federal judge in 2024. Federal judges’ pensions are pegged to the salary of their final year on the bench — $243,300 in 2024.

So Hillman is making $333,712 – in retirement, as if he was ever anything but retired once he first got his first black robes back in 1991.

How about Steve Pierce, a failed Republican state rep who last won an election in 1988. At 76, he pockets $108,163 from his judicial coat holding days, and another $75,579 as a payroll patriot in “Gov’s Executive Office,” as the state comptroller puts it. (All these numbers are from the comptroller’s website).

Also from the Forgotten but Not Gone brigade, legislative division, there’s Thomas Brownell, 86 years old. Being an ex-solon from Quincy is worth $21,346 a year, in addition to his $89,071 judicial kiss. He’s been double-dipping since 2010.

Naturally a lot of the double dippers are connected to the Bulgers. Billy Bulger, the Corrupt Midget, is now 92, and since 2003 has been subsisting on a single pension that now has risen to $274,539 a year.

One of Bulger’s top payroll patriots was Paul Mahoney, a controversial pick when the CM ordered Mike Dukakis to nominate him. Mahoney is 87 now, retired since 2008 and collecting two state checks — $87,710 a year for his nationwide-search judgeship, and $39,364 for running errands for the Bulgers at the State House.

Then there’s Paul Heffernan, 93 years young. He used to be a clerk at the old Boston Juvenile Court, but they needed a hack sinecure for Whitey’s younger brother Jackie (now a convicted felon). So they gave Paul Heffernan a judgeship to open his clerk’s job for the runt of the Bulger litter.

Since 2003, Heffernan been grabbing $94,427 for his judicial pension and $26,361 as an ex-clerk.

Then there’s his daughter, Mary Beth Heffernan, not just another pretty face. She did such a splendid job covering up the bizarre pre-dawn auto accident of a former lieutenant governor named Crash Murray. A year later Deval Patrick rewarded her with her own $207,855 a year part-time hack job as a judge.

Speaking of generational judicial welfare, how about the Brennans? I’ve written about them before. Thomas Brennan has been retired since 2011. He’s 84 and is grabbing $140,115 — $88,850 for his judicial hackery, as well as $51,265 as a county prosecutor.

There’s at least three or four more Brennans or in-laws currently slurping at the judicial trough, but I’ll mention just one, because he’s a future double dipper. Patrick Haggan is married to one of the daughters (who makes $130,595 toiling for AG Andrea Joy Campbell).

In 2019, Haggan retired as a hack in the Suffolk County DA’s office with a pension of $60,864.48. He then went into private practice only to discover that you have to, you know, work, if you’re not a courthouse stooge.

So Haggan decided to follow in the family tradition of early retirement. He finagled a judgeship from Tall Deval for $207,855 a year, and he had to give up that first pension.

But it’s still listed there, an orphan on the comptroller’s website, for 2019-20, and you can bet Haggan will be back for it.

Once you go hack, you never go back.

Some of these double-dippers you’ve probably never heard. Paul Losapio, from the Worcester hackerama, is 74. Since 2015 has been grabbing two courthouse pensions, of $110,737 and $42,015 — $152,752 a year, forever and ever, amen.

Christine McEvoy is 75, and she checked out in the double-dip express line in 2014, with payouts of $123,931 and $15,257 – total $139,188.

The next judge to go double-dipping will most likely be Orleans District Court Judge Robert Aloysius Welsh III. He’s pint-sized, and he enjoys a pint, according to the State Police. In their report after he was lugged in May for assault and battery on a family member, the troopers said the extinguished jurist becomes “aggravated” when drinking.

According to his victim, the fourth-generation judge told her that he was “untouchable.” She also said he often went to work, if you can call it that, hungover. In other words, he’s a state judge.

Welsh used to be an assistant district attorney, like all the rest of them, and you know what that means. Another double dipper! It’s only a matter of time.

You may have noticed that the Democrats on Beacon Hill have prevented working people for voting themselves an income tax cut in November. And now they’re brazenly gutting a statute that would require the state kleptocracy to return any excess funds they’ve robbed from us in any calendar year.

It’s the hack way. What’s theirs is theirs and what’s ours is theirs.

The state hacks’ motto: Money for me, but not for thee.

It’s the hackerama! Just ask the judges.