Taylor's Takes: Is it just me, or are people really flaky these days?

Over the past few years, I’ve noticed something of a disturbing trend: a fear of commitment.

I’m not talking about marriage, either. Though the data points may show a correlation.

I’m talking about normal, everyday commitments. Birthday parties, evenings out, coffee dates, etc.

These are the mundane commitments that many of us will agree to in the moment, but when the day comes to fulfill those commitments, we’re filled with regret and face the urge to bail out.

I began noticing this trend a few years ago after my wife and I welcomed our second child into the world.

"I began noticing this trend a few years ago after my wife and I welcomed our second child into the world."

With our first child’s birthday party, it was a bonanza. People came to our house from out of state to celebrate. There were the sparse absences that are to be expected with any large event, but not enough to register as noticeable. And any reasons that were given for the absences were certainly understandable.

However, with our second child we eventually began hosting combined birthday parties. We understood how much of an inconvenience it was to give up not one but two days in the spring and summer. Invitations were sent out, and RSVPs were received. Out of a guest list of 30 or so people who had given us their word that they would be in attendance, we were lucky if 50% showed up. Most of those in attendance were older family members, meaning there weren’t nearly as many children for our kids to interact with and have fun on their special day.

This happened two years in a row. Two years of disappointment for our children whose best friends were inexplicably absent. Two years of my wife painstakingly planning and decorating. Two years of me tidying up the yard and the outside of the house. Two years of us buying about twice as much food as was needed and sending guests home with entire boxes of untouched pizza.

So we ended it. Rather than subject ourselves and our children to the disappointment of other people making excuses or just not attending for no apparent reason, we don’t have birthday parties. We take day trips, instead. Maybe to the beach, maybe to Boston by train. This eliminates the reliance on flaky people for the sake of our children’s happiness. It comes from us, instead. And they are shown that the most reliable people in their lives are the ones who provide for them and show them unconditional love on a daily basis.

But it's not just birthday parties where I’ve noticed this trend.

My son plays Little League baseball. One of the commitments that comes with signing your kid up for the team is that you may be asked as a parent to volunteer three hours once or twice a season to run the park’s snack shack. I had done it once before and volunteered this latest time around. Out of the fourteen other individuals who had received the text message from the coach asking for one or two more volunteers, only three replied. And the three that had replied had an excuse for why they weren’t able to devote their time that evening.

I ended up running the snack shack earlier this week with the help of my father-in-law.

Personal adult relationships have been afflicted by the flaky trend, as well.

A couple of years ago I had asked two friends of mine if they wanted to go see comedian Kevin James at the Chevalier Theater in Medford. They both committed to go and were excited, as they were both ardent Kevin James fans. I purchased the tickets about six months out and sent reminder texts a month prior to the event. They both expressed the same amount of excitement as they had when I first asked if they wanted to go.

On the day of the event, one of my friends texted me saying that he had forgotten about it and wouldn’t be able to make it. To say I was shattered would be an exaggeration, but not by much. It sounds a little selfish and arrogant to say out loud, but his forgetting about the event felt like he was forgetting about me. I tried not to take it personally, but having seen this trend of forgetfulness or fear of commitment so many times before, it was difficult to separate my personal experience from what seems to be a more universal trend.

Just one more quick example.

My family and I recently attended a birthday party for another family member. A close family member of mine had shown up without their spouse. When I inquired about the spouse’s absence, I was given the answer that the spouse had plenty of things they had wanted to get accomplished at home and opted to do those instead.

I was slack-jawed. I’m a father of three who works all week and on the weekends, too. I have a honey-do list three miles long. I, too, would rather accomplish things at home than attend another birthday party. But that’s just life!

We are to endure these inconveniences not because of what effect they would have on us, but because of what they would mean to the people we’re enduring the inconveniences for. It’s respect. It’s reverence. It’s love.

I was discussing with my co-worker, Grace Curley, what I was thinking of writing about today, and it reminded her of an article that she had just seen only a few days ago. The article is entitled “You Don't Have a Village Because You're a Flake”. I couldn’t read a whole lot of it since it’s behind a paywall, but it at least made me realize that other people are experiencing this, too. It’s not just a me problem.

Not being there when you said you were going to be is such a foreign concept to me. This is not self-worship by any means. I was just taught to have integrity and mean what I say. Sure, there have been failings along the way. But when I tell someone I’m going to be somewhere or do something either with or for them, dammit, I’m doing it. I guess I was wrong to assume that a certain percentage of the people in my orbit would adhere to the same standard.

Obviously, I have a lot to say about this subject. But here’s the bottom line.

Before you commit to something, think about it. Don’t give an answer because you feel a certain amount of pressure. Give it some time. Consult your significant other if you are so blessed. Come to a decision, give an answer, and let your yes be yes, and your no be no.