More than anything else, the South Boston St. Patrick’s Day breakfast is the public’s annual reminder that Democrat politicians should keep their day jobs.
Because they’ll never make it as comedians, and they’ll certainly never make it as singers.
By the end of the annual ritual of lame jokes and cringe-worthy party tricks, viewers are begging the local payroll patriots to return to their mandate to finish running the Bay State into the ground once and for all.
In these moments, societal destruction feels less torturous than the sound of US Rep. Stephen Lynch struggling to carry a tune.
This dreadful event, taking place right before the Boston St. Patrick’s Day parade, has been going on for at least 70 years. Some claim it goes back as far as 1909. Somewhere along the line, the tradition morphed into a hacks’ roast session where anything goes as far as material…and comedic value.
You might think the string of cancelled and virtual versions during the Panic of 2020-21 would allow Boston’s brightest to regroup and deliver much better material after the mandates subsided. You would be wrong.
Sunday’s breakfast took place at the Ironworkers Local 7 Union Hall in South Boston. This year’s master of ceremonies was Southie’s state senator Nick Collins. While his day-to-day DINO (Democrat in Name Only) tendencies account for his enduring popularity among old-line Southie voters, it is fortunate for Collins the breakfast is for ticketholders only and not the general public.
After one successful wisecrack about the shiny new Summer Street Bus Lane, Collins stumbled through some long-winded jokes about Sen. Ed Markey, who he accidentally called “Warren.”
He also delivered about three too many verses of “If You’re Irish, Come into the Parlor” – a mistake the late Treasurer Bob Crane never made back in the day. Crane would just wink and then segue into “Dear Old Donegal,” before handing out a few free Lottery tickets to the waiters.
Those were the good old days….
But I suspect the payroll patriots were begging for a return to song after the “comedic entertainment” began.
Sen. Elizabeth Warren fell flat for the entirety of her seven minutes at the podium, where she received crickets for joke after joke about House Speaker Mike Johnson’s attempts to strip women of their rights. She lamely blamed her staffers for the lame quips: “[They] told me I should make a national political joke!”
South Boston was less than impressed.
Warren was the first to mention President Trump, a mere 20 minutes into the program. Four more mentions would come later from Norfolk County Treasurer Michael Bellotti, who switched to Orange-Man-Bad after inducing winces from the crowd during his lengthy, lame bit.
Embarrassed, Bellotti admitted he would be skipping most of his jokes about Mayor Wu’s No-Whites holiday party after state senate president Karen Spilka exhausted the topic in her less-than noteworthy appearance.
Then came the “DunQueens.”
We’ll excuse for a moment Healey’s decision to wear orange on St. Patrick’s Day. We’ll also excuse her partner Joanna’s fashion oversight that okayed Maura to step out of their Arlington love nest in a fuzzy magenta bucket hat.
Healey, along with Lt. Gov. Kim Driscoll and surprise guest former acting Gov. Jane Swift, recreated the viral Dunkin’ Super Bowl commercial where Boston celebrities Ben Affleck, Matt Damon, and Tom Brady create a boyband—the DunKings.
Sporting tracksuits in the bright Dunkin’ brand colors and fully in character, the female trio took the stage as the DunQueens.
The question we’re all wondering is, how did these three get this highly coveted tracksuit that sold out in less than 48 hours?
For the record, each outfit originally sold at $160 retail. After buyers wiped the donut company out of the Super Bowl merchandise, the suit itself (hat not included) is only available pre-owned for upwards of $450. Are the DunQueens really that refresh-button savvy, or did Healey staffers pull some gubernatorial strings?
Either way, the (dare I say) funniest five seconds of Healey’s career are now behind us, and she’s back to bankrupting the Bay State and inviting Biden’s invasion to camp out in your local motels and rec centers.
Speaking of which, the migrant crisis was the topic of several “jokes.” If Mayor Wu’s delivery were any better than it was, she may have won the crowd over with her dig at Maura Healey.
“It was Groundhog Day a few weeks ago, and the official groundhog didn’t see his shadow. So spring is coming early — you know the rule. If the groundhog sees his shadow, that means six more weeks of winter.”
Bear with me.
“But did you know Massachusetts mayors across the Commonwealth actually have a similar rule, but instead of a shadow, we’re on the lookout for state officials.”
We’re almost there.
“The rule goes like this,” Wu continued. “If a mayor sees the governor and lieutenant governor at an event in your town, that means six more days until your community gets a new migrant shelter.”
Ba-Dum Tss! As Billy Bulger used to say at the end of such similar long-winded flop jokes:
“I was a young man when this started.”
As the saying goes, brevity is the soul of wit, so it’s only fit that Boston’s annual Democrat comedy session spanned over two hours.
I speak for their biggest critics when I say, there is nothing like Boston’s annual St. Patrick’s Day Breakfast to stir up the desire to see these politicians head back to work on Monday.