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There goes the neighborhood.

The neighborhood known as Martha’s Vineyard, I mean. The move of John Forbes Kerry from Nantucket – what a boon for ACK!

One thing is certain. This summer, with Kerry gone, you’ll be hearing the eternal question asked a lot less often on Nantucket.

“Do you know who I am?”

But things will never be the same on Brant Point, once Kerry’s second wife’s first husband’s trust fund unloads the mansion on Hulbert Avenue. I checked yesterday – it’s still on the market, a steal at $25 million. Kerry’s new “cottage,” in Chilmark, went for $11.75 million, according to the Vineyard Gazette.

Kerry is 73 now. He’s unemployed. When was the last time his 78-year-old billionaire heiress wife Mama T was seen in public? Sounds like some serious downsizing is going on here.

On Nantucket, have the movers yet loaded up the mementos of Kerry’s blissful two decades with Lovey – the pink girlie bike he used to ride wobbily downtown past the White Elephant, the cases of penis straws, mementos of his post-last call perambulations along the docks with the sweethearts of Tri Delt, the crated-up porta-potties from his failed 2004 presidential campaign….

And what of the Nantucket “tradesmen” with whom Liveshot once claimed to enjoy windsurfing? Do any of those 24-point bucks he said he used to stalk on the Cape haunt the wilds of Chilmark? Can he hunt them on his new 18-plus acre parcel?

According to the Gazette, Kerry’s new spread has “distant views” of the Elizabeth Islands, namely Naushon Island, which has been owned forever by Liveshot’s mom’s family, the Forbeses. Odd, that he wouldn’t want to spend his, ahem, golden years on his family’s spread.

But that’s only one of the unanswered questions here. Does he still own the Isabella, the $7.5-consolation prize yacht the Heinz trust funds bought for him after he choked against George W. Bush in 2004? If he does still own the yacht, does he plan to try to evade the excise taxes owed to the Town of Chilmark, the way he did on Nantucket?

Will Kerry’s dear pal James Taylor organize a hootenanny to welcome him to the Vineyard? Will the other sometime-resident Beautiful People – Meg Ryan, Ted Danson, Abby Rockefeller etc. – stop by for the shindig? And why would Kerry, if he truly believes all of his endless dire predictions about global warming, ever want to move to another island that will obviously very soon be underwater?

Just asking….

Thanks to the very popular late Sen. John Heinz, Kerry was a member of the Nantucket Yacht Club. Will the Edgartown YC be as accommodating?

Strangely, judging from the local weekly’s message board, some of the local residents don’t seem all that displeased with the plans of America’s name-dropping Gigolo to “summer” on their fair island.

John G., West Tisbury: “I lived next to John and his wife on Beacon Hill. Outstanding man and a wonderful wife. I am proud and welcome him to the island.”

I’m guessing John G. was never in need of a fire hydrant when he lived on Louisburg Square.

Esther H., Oak Bluffs: “What if Mr. Kerry becomes an active participant in Island politics? Wow!”

How many boards of selectmen do they have over there? Five? Maybe he can do the ribbon-cutting thing when the new casino opens in Gay Head, I mean Aquinnah.

Ken, Edgartown: “Maybe John can get some up-Island bicycle paths built.”

Only if someone else is paying for them, Ken.

There were a few dissenting opinions, especially from off Island.

Don, Woburn: “Wow. A wealthy person bought a secluded estate. I’m so excited.”

So Woburn is excited. But not nearly as excited as Nantucket, I daresay.

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Howie Carr is the New York Times best-selling author of The Brothers Bulger and Hitman, in addition to several other Boston organized-crime books and two novels. He is the host of a New England-wide radio talk-show syndicated to more than 20 stations, and is a member of the Radio Hall of Fame in Chicago.

2 COMMENTS

  1. Hey Howie … Cap’n … your comment “When was the last time his 78-year-old billionaire heiress wife Mama T was seen in public?” really haunts me … this sounds like something out of Klaus Van Bulow’s plans for his beloved Sunny …. (oh no, say it ain’t so Lurch).

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