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Like Chipotle, the Cleveland Browns and the Democrat party, the bust-out Boston Globe is trying to “reinvent” itself.

In a memo to his decimated staff this week, editor Brian McGrory says the Globe will no longer be the “paper of record” (as if it ever was). Instead, he said, the Globe will be an “organization of interest.”

Sorry, not interested.

McGrory’s memo reads like it was composed by a recent graduate of an ESL program, or perhaps translated from another language, most likely consultantese. Everything is to be interesting, “relentlessly interesting.”

After all these years of printing dreary leftwing agitprop, how will the Globe become interesting?

“We’ll set up an Audience Engagement team,” McGrory writes. “We will refine and refine again the Hubs system that was proposed by the Mission working group.”

Yeah, that should bring back the readers all right. The Registry of Motor Vehicles couldn’t have put it any better.

Check out the job titles in the memo – senior deputy managing editor for local news, deputy managing editor for audience engagement, deputy managing editor for operations, etc.

It appears the best way to avoid getting laid off these last few years as the paper crumbled was to get yourself deputized. I just want to know, does the senior deputy managing editor have a junior deputy managing editor reporting to her – or should I say, “zir?”

The Globe now exists only as a billionaire’s vanity project. You’ve heard of non-profits? The Globe is an un-profit.

It’s broke, basically, so they’ve decided to… well, let’s let McGrory explain the new business model.

“We need to make sure that the boundaries that served us well in better financial times don’t become obstacles to our success. Put more bluntly, we need to work with the other departments to make sure we have enough revenue to support our journalism.”

See, for all these years, the bow-tied bumkissers have been giving it away, for free, to the Kennedys, Kerrys, Dukakises et al. And all the star-struck trust-funders got in return were invitations to the Kennedys’ annual summer clambake at the compound in Hyannis Port.

So it appears the Globe is going to try to “monetize” their Hillary hagiographies and their Deval wet kisses. And why shouldn’t they? As McGrory brags, they “drive the civic conversation in Greater Boston.”

Of course they do — why, if it wasn’t for the Globe’s endless pimping for Boston 2024, that whole boondoggle would have been laughed out of… er, never mind.

To breathe life into the moribund sheet, sacrifices must be made. Their shrunken downsized new headquarters — “innovative space in downtown Boston.”

Even worse, the daily news meeting will begin at, gasp, 9 a.m. There will be “rolling deadlines” so that all day “we have a flow of fresh stories when people are most likely to read them.”

Here’s how that will work. If you go to the website at 8 a.m., the lead story might be headlined, “Donald Trump is a terrible man.” If you come back at noon, there will be a totally different, fresh story: “Donald Trump: Threat or Menace?” And then at 3, yet another brand-new piece will be posted – “Trump Linked to Cannibal Cult.”

They are going to have a “reimagined newsroom,” where they can imagine that anyone still cares. It will include an “Express Desk” – again, RMV terminology for the RMV of newspapers.

At first I thought the Express Desk would allow the few remaining readers to cancel their subscriptions with one click. But no, it’s about… well, you don’t care and neither do I.

Meanwhile, the last six reporters who haven’t been laid off will have a role in the new imaginary newsroom. McGrory is having one of his deputy senior associate assistant junior managing editors send out a questionnaire asking them “what beats you’ve been dreaming of covering.”

Think of the sharp elbowing that will be going for those most coveted beats: the transgender-bathroom civil rights beat, religion (at the Globe, that’s climate change), society (also known as gay marriage) and of course covering the gender-fluid community, not to be confused with the fluid-gender community.

But the prime beat at the Globe, even more prized than the get-Marty-Walsh beat, is the phobia beat. Homophobia, Islamophobia, misogyny, fake hate crimes – you’re guaranteed front page every day. Literally dozens of readers, some of them under the age of 85, will get to know your name!

Here’s what I’m imagining for the Globe in 2017: more red ink and more layoffs. It should be very… interesting.

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Howie Carr is the New York Times best-selling author of The Brothers Bulger and Hitman, in addition to several other Boston organized-crime books and two novels. He is the host of a New England-wide radio talk-show syndicated to more than 20 stations, and is a member of the Radio Hall of Fame in Chicago.

5 COMMENTS

  1. All New England is waiting for that happy announcement:”Boston Globe To Close Its Doors Friday — Ceases Publication And Files For Bankruptcy”

    • Very true. Next to Trumps’ ‘inauguration day, I have been waiting for that moment for a long time. The day Boston Globe goes out of business, I will have huge party and celebrate with my own money and free drinks for anyone and every one

  2. Next to Trumps’ ‘inauguration day, I have been waiting for the day Boston Globe goes out of business, I will have huge party and celebrate with my own money and free drinks for anyone and every one

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