And now, as the sequel to that film classic “Weekend at Bernie’s,” we present “Weekend at Biden’s,” recapping this week’s comic capers of the 46th president of the United States.
All dialogue guaranteed verbatim.
First, the inaugural speech. It was hailed by the Democrat operatives with press passes (think Chris Wallace, or as Biden calls him, Chuck Wallace) as the greatest oration since the Gettysburg Address, or maybe the Sermon on the Mount.
Who can forget Dementia Joe’s soaring flights of rhetoric:
“We must end this uncivil war that pits red against blue, rural versus urlan, er rural versus urban.”
Before signing the executive order killing the Keystone XL pipeline, which instantly ended at least 11,000 jobs (including thousands in the Laborers Union of his new Labor Secretary Marty “the $6-million man” Walsh, Joe sympathized with the blue collars he was about to cast into unemployment:
“I understand they worry about their jobs. I understand like my dad they lay a-bed staring at the night –”
Staring at the night? You mean your childhood home had a hole in its roof? I guess things really were rough for young Joe back in the days when he was facing off against Cornpop who was a bad dude.
Let’s go straight to the audiotape for some of his greatest hits since he assumed office:
“Everybody, everybody is entritled to be teeted with decency and dignity.”
“America, America builded of decency it’s built of decency and dignity.”
“We will recrame our ability to lead.”
“All the participants in tonight event.”
“We’re gonna do by leading with one American values: humility and trust, collegiality, diversity, competency and family.”
“We need all our strength to preserve persevere through this dark winter.”
In this dark winter Biden also said he aims to protect American “intellectual prosperity.” Surely he meant to say “property?”
Even before assuming the presidency, Biden maintained a busy schedule. When not binging on “Bonanza” and “Matlock” reruns, he journeyed to Georgia to campaign for a Senate candidate named “Jon Orsoff” as opposed to the guy who won, Jon Ossoff.
He took a vaccine against “the pandemicly, the pandemic, excuse me.”
“I took it to instill public confidence in the vaccine — President-elect Harris took hers today for the same reason.”
How many times has he referred to Willie Brown’s ex as the president-elect?
In the final days of the Trump administration, Biden continued railing against his predecessor.
“He indicated he wasn’t going to show up at the uh the inauguration. One of the few things he and I have ever agreed on. It’s a good thing I’m not showing up.”
In the end, of course, Biden did show up. Even if he wasn’t all there.
As he left his beloved basement in Delaware (for a while, anyway), Biden tried to show what an erudite scholar he is. He even claimed, quite implausibly, to have read James Joyce, who was, you know, Irish.
“Jame Joyce, James Joyce was said to have told a friend that when his – come – when it comes his time to pass, when he dies, he said Dublin –”
At this point Biden stopped speaking. His jaw dropped. He stared straight ahead, glassy eyed, for six seconds. (I counted on the tape.) Finally he snapped out of his brain freeze.
“Dublin will be written on my heart.”
Is any of this video being played on the networks, or the cable channels? There appears to be only one real reporter at the White House, Peter Doucy of Fox News, whom Biden has described as “a one-horse pony.”
They like their animal references, these wrinkly Democrats. Nancy Pelosi, leader of the octogenarian oligarchs who run the House, denounces Cassandras “crying wolf in a crowded theater.”
At the White House, the aforementioned Peter Doucy asked about Biden not wearing a mask at the Lincoln Memorial after signing a national mask mandate on federal property. So the new press secretary Jen Psaki went all-Biden on him, right down to confusing Doucy with his father, Steve:
“Uh, I think Steve he was uh celebrating uh uh uh an evening — a historic day in our country and certainly he signed the mask mandate because it’s a way to send a message to the American public.”
Message: Rules for thee, but not for me. Do as Democrats say, not as they do.
The scourge of babbling incoherence continued, with Sen. Chuck Schumer’s somber speech about the second annual Donald Trump impeachment extravaganza, as one Republican congressman described it.
“Senators,” Schumer intoned, “will have to decide if Donald John Trump incited the erection insurrection against the United States.”
Watch out — whatever it is afflicting Joe Biden, it appears to be contagious.