This is written before the polls close, and since the winner seems unlikely to be declared tonight, here are some of the things I expect to be occurring in the next few days, especially if what I hope happens does in fact take place.
I want to see the Cambridge Common at night overrun with suicidal Democrats, stumbling around in their designer keffiyehs, howling at the moon in despair – just like in 2016.
Depending on the outcome, someone at the State House may set up a toll-free hotline to report hate crimes like then-AG Maura Healey did in 2016.
She was of course expecting a rash of MAGA-fueled mayhem to be exposed. But it turned out the victims were mostly guys in pick-up trucks with Trump bumper stickers getting keyed when they weren’t getting the finger on 128 from geriatric hipsters from Long Island in Subarus.
I would love to see colleges, private schools and white-shoe law firms canceling classes to allow the students and faculty (mostly the faculty) to mourn the end of democracy.
If my wishes come true, the finger-pointing about Trump’s victory will soon begin, with all the fluffers blaming either Joe Biden, the Electoral College, racism, sexism or, most laughably, the media for being too pro-Trump.
What will happen first – a female college student saying some bad boys from the local business school drove onto campus and heckled her, or a T rider claiming she was shoved by a MAGA-hat-wearing ruffian with a toolbox and beer on his breath.
If Trump wins, Ray Epps will come out of the Witness Protection Program to lead a riot at the Capitol on Jan 6.
If Kamala wins, Ray Epps will lead an even bigger riot at the Capitol Jan. 6.
And “60 Minutes” and The New York Times will write the same exact same stories they wrote four years ago saying Roy Epps is definitely not a fed.
When will the Globe write its first editorial demanding that Elon Musk be denaturalized… and then deported?
Despite what Oprah Winfrey predicted Monday night in Philadelphia, women will in fact continue to be allowed to vote in US elections.
The US “intelligence community” will issue a post-election memo following its public statement last week that ominously predicted that sinister Russians would try to construct “fake narratives to undermine the legitimacy of the election and release additional manufactured content.”
In their post-election follow-up, the “intelligence community” will say, “Dammit, that’s not the Russians’ job. We’re the ones in charge of undermining US election legitimacy and making up stuff like the Russian collusion hoax in 2016 and the fake letter in 2020 saying that Hunter Biden’s laptop wasn’t real.”
Once again, a post-election cataloging of all the “election software malfunctions” that reduced voter turnout will indicate that 100% of the breakdowns occurred in Republican-leaning precincts.
The Pulitzer Prize Committee will announce a new category of award for “Best Hoax” of the campaign. No entries will be considered unless they involve made-up stories about Republicans, with extra credit for concocting phony scandals about Donald J. Trump.
Competition will be fierce, but in the end, as usual The New York Times and Washington Post will take home the prize for their “deeply-hoaxed reporting.”
Pundits will blame Trump’s voters for their selfish focus “on the price they’re paying for things, and they don’t really see the big picture.” (Someone from NBC “News” actually said exactly that last week.)
Anchors on state-run media will don black armbands and wear sackcloth and ashes as they announce the landslide ouster of George Soros’ puppet George Gascon as district attorney of Los Angeles.
In the post-election analyses, Republicans will be blamed for weaponizing, seizing and pouncing upon vicious crimes by illegal aliens.
If Donald Trump is declared the winner, Democrat mobs will loot and burn down cities.
If Kamala Harris is declared the winter, Democrat mobs will loot and burn down cities.
The Venezuelan Tren De Aragua street gang will set up a Political Action Committee (PAC) to support all Democrat candidates in the next election cycle.
Citing anonymous sources, CNN will report that P’Nut the Squirrel was actually murdered by agents provocateur Tucker Carlson and Tulsi Gabbard as a “false flag” for the Trump campaign.
Madonna will get her pink hat out of mothballs.
Despite her social-media posts, Bette Midler will not drink Drano if Trump wins.
If the stock market crashes today, it’s Donald Trump’s fault.
If the stock market goes up today, it has nothing to do with Donald Trump.
The NFL will be urged to impose lifetime bans on both 49ers DL Nick Bosa and Patrick Mahones’ mother for their unspeakable crimes of wearing MAGA hats on national television.
In his final days as president, Joe Biden will announce a “stuttering moonshot” to tackle the verbal malady that affects himself, Tim Walz and every other Democrat who makes an offensive comment and then blames it on… stuttering.
If Trump wins, state-run media will demand that he be imprisoned on the fake charges against him in New York Nov. 26.
If Trump loses, state-run media will demand he be imprisoned on the fake charges against him in New York Nov. 26.