I am today declaring my candidacy for a Pulitzer Prize for extinguished, I mean distinguished reporting on the senility of Dementia Joe Biden.
I was there the firstest with mostest, as a Confederate general used to say.
In my humble opinion, over the last four years I have accomplished what Dementia Joe himself would describe as the “goodest” job of anybody anywhere in chronicling his descent into drooling senility.
Some might dismiss my monthly Biden columns as mere stenography, transcribing Biden’s gibberish day after day. But I call them “deeply-sourced, relentlessly reported” stenography.
That last phrase comes from the usual Pulitzer boilerplate, even when – actually, especially when – the winning entries are nothing but fabricated Democrat agitprop.
The filing deadline for Pulitzer entries is months away, but recently I’ve noticed other hacks trying to elbow me aside by claiming they were there first.
First, it was the dreadful Wall Street Journal sob sister Peggy Noonan, a back-stabbing RINO from way back, citing a few sentences she wrote here and there in 2022-23.
I let that one pass. But then Piers Morgan, a failed Fleet Street/CNN hack, checked in at the New York Post.
Headline: “I told you so, so, so many times.”
How dare he? Piers is a limey-come-lately. His earliest cited mention of Dementia Joe’s Grandpa Simpson schtick came in July 2022.
By then, I had filed at least 30 “Weekend at Brandon” columns. And not just a throwaway quote or two. Each column was entirely devoted to Biden’s incoherent babbling and preposterous canards.
I googled one of my columns yesterday from Oct. 3, 2020. It was headlined, “Media continue to cover up Joe Biden’s mental decline.”
The last line of that piece was, “Final question: would you let Joe Biden park your car?”
Howie Carr — right from the start.
I had no plans to such an early declaration of my candidacy. But my hand has been forced by Chuck Todd, a shameless, low-IQ Democrat operative with a press pass from MSNDC. Todd claimed on his podcast the other day that he’d heard about Biden’s senility two years ago. A fellow Democrat from Politico likewise claimed he’d known “for years.”
Years? So, Chuck, where can I find clips of your scoops, you Maynard G. Krebs lookalike you?
Todd never mentioned his inside info on the air of course. He knew better than fellow Democrat coat holder George Stephanopoulos, who just had to issue a groveling, sniveling apology for… telling the truth.
Now, I can still remember when Pulitzer Prizes meant something. Am I right, Stanley Forman? Forman’s spot-news photography awards for this newspaper certainly were important, and still are.
But like so much of everything else in American life, the Pulitzers have long since been hijacked and devalued by the Deep State. Just like 60 Minutes, nobody cares about them anymore, because they’re so palpably not on the level.
Still, why shouldn’t I get in on the Pulitzer gag too? Granted, I don’t have a trust fund, or a hyphenated last name, like almost all the other recent winners. But at least my stuff is… not fiction.
Initially, I considered entering my dozens of Biden columns in the Pulitzers’ “national reporting” category.
But then I realized that “national reporting” is reserved for Very Fake News.
The New York Times and its feeble, money-hemorrhaging echo, The Washington Post, picked one up in 2017 for their “deeply sourced” reporting of a story that didn’t have a scintilla of truth in it – the Russian collusion hoax, bought and paid for by Hillary Clinton and the DNC.
It was 100 percent bogus, and… they… knew… it. Or should have, anyway.
Just like the Hunter Biden laptop is Russian disinformation hoax, or the Ukraine phone call, or the Georgia phone call, or the “suckers-and-losers” fraud, or the newest hoax – the 2025 Project.
I realized that my Biden-is-senile columns could never win the “national reporting” prize, because they’re… real news. They’re real, thus inadmissible.
Then I remembered… Public Service. I know something about Public Service Pulitzers – the first newspaper I ever worked for had won one a few years before I was hired. (It was a retirement prize for the editor, who was a dutiful NYT hack. Instead of a watch, they gave him a Pulitzer.)
When I started working at this tank town paper, the newsroom lifers were still bragging about their Public Service Pulitzer. To be polite with the old-timers, I’d inquire, so what was the subject? Their eyes would instantly glaze over – and they’d written the dreary pap.
The award was for “coverage of environmental problems… strip mining.” Good Lord, no wonder they didn’t want to talk about it. How did the judges ever get through it?
The way Public Service Pulitzers are awarded was explained well by the late Alexander Cockburn of the Village Voice. He pointed out that the award often goes to a paper you’ve never even heard of – the Lufkin Daily News, the Grand Forks Herald – for reporting on a subject you couldn’t care less about.
The way to win, Cockburn wrote, was to produce series of such interminable length that the judges would recoil in horror, and just award a prize so they didn’t have to read the damn stuff.
In the Public Service award citation, the operative word is always “exhaustive,” as in, “exhaustively reported.”
With the proliferation of Very Fake News, recent Public Service awards have been reported for better known Democrat hoaxes, like COVID (2021) and the so-called “Insurrection” (2022).
But I believe I can win the Public Service Pulitzer the old-fashioned way, by overwhelming the judges with sheer volume. Let Peggy Noonan and Piers Morgan send in their thin envelopes of whispered recent mentions of Brandon’s senescence.
I’ll be sending in my Biden columns in a wheelbarrow.
And to repeat, my stuff is different than a lot of recent Pulitzer Prize winners. It’s true.
In the old days at City Hall, City Councilor Dapper O’Neil would always make the same prediction about how he was going to do in his election:
“They won’t be countin’ my votes, they’ll be weighin’ ‘em!?”
That’s what I say about my I-told-you-so-first-about-Biden! columns.
They won’t be readin’ ‘em, they’ll be weighin’ em.
And when I win, it will be the greatest honor in my career since I was number 7 on Whitey Bulger’s defense witness list back in 2013.
I earned that honor too – exhaustively.