Puzzling out Sleepy Joe Biden

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Did you know that Joe Biden is locked in a basement?

He is, he said so himself, a couple of days ago, which may be why the New York Post ran this front-page headline Thursday:

“SOMEONE WAKE JOE! Tell him he’s the nominee.”

With President Trump on live television for a couple of hours every day now, in the interest of fair play and those ancient FCC equal-time rules, it’s imperative to check in occasionally with the 77-year-old nominee of the Democrat party to see what he’s up to in his dotage.  

In the tradition of Bob Dylan’s Basement Tapes, what follows are Joe Biden’s Basement Tapes.

As usual, all dialogue guaranteed verbatim.

This first quote, about Uncle Joe’s house arrest in the basement, comes from his recent teleconference of sorts with union leaders. Incidentally, one of those pinky-ring bosses on the line was apparently Richard Trumpka of the AFL-CIO.

You can imagine how confusing that was for Sleepy Joe –  Trumpka, Trump…. Perhaps that was why in another online chat this week, he referred to “President Strump,” which is not to be confused (although Biden was, as usual) with his earlier reference to “President Hump.”

But back to the AFL-CIO. Sleepy Joe thanked the “essential” workers, who, he said “literally are carrying our nation on their backs.”

Literally.

“I promise you,” Sleepy Joe told the union caporegimes, “I’ll do whatever I can. I know, I’m locked in a basement like a lot of you are but again, I wanna thank you.”

Joe, don’t you want somebody to call 911 on your behalf? Shouldn’t the caregivers be putting out a silver alert or something for you? Or at least move you to the attic, where you might have a better view. Literally.

Considering that Joe is locked in a basement, it’s unclear to me how to describe these internet events of his. Are they teleconferences, or shadow briefings, as the campaign once called them, or podcasts?

Or are they in fact hostage videos? Anyway, let’s go to the tape. Here’s Sleepy Joe on health insurance.

“We should be making it easier, not harder, to make sure, to se-, to make sense. Let me put it another way, it makes no sense.”

May we quote you on that, Lunch Bucket Joe?

After apparently winning the Wisconsin primary, Biden went on CNN with Fredo Cuomo to take a bow, or something, about the results:

“But look, it’s been done. We’re gonna get the election results in about, what, another week, in another week or so after that this… I forget the date, the 13th? And, uh, I you know but I I think that uh uh you know I I if if there’s an election, was an election, if people, depending on how many showed up, I think I will have done well but who knows?”

Sleepy Joe is not afraid to take a stand. Inspectors need to be inspecting. Response is a responsibility. Drug testing should be increased “expodentially,” especially among those demographic groups “contracting contacting uh contracting the disease.”

What this nation needs is a 10-point plan. And Sleepy Joe’s got one – the Make It Work Checklist. That’s what he calls it. Except when he calls it the Make Work Checklist.

“And I promise you, if I’m your president, I’m gonna fight like hell to see your strength goes. I promise.”

That won’t be necessary, Mr. Vice President. None of us really want our strength to go.

“Thank you and stay safe fellas. Stay safe. God love ya all.”

It’s difficult, dealing with this plague – “the cona, the virus,” as he said on ABC “News.” But then, Biden’s been there before, with that earlier event, uh, what was it called, uh, c’mon, man – “the whole pandemic that was in Africa.”

Are you referring to Ebola, Sleepy Joe?

This “cona” emergency is why the American people need relief from their federal government, right Joe?

“No American should have to wait a single minute so Donald Trump can put his signature on a physical check.”

The president wants to personally sign every one of the relief checks? Literally? Now that would increase the response time – expodentially.

Well, that’s it for today. Reporting live, from the basement….

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