Happy New Year! And now it is time for the 2020 predictions of Carrnac the Magnificent:
President Trump will be re-elected, much to the chagrin of the very fake news media, and for the first time since 2004, the Republican candidate for president will get more than 50% of the popular vote.
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi will lose her gavel, big time.
The Globe will run even more puff pieces about City Councilor Michelle Wu than it will about Elizabeth Warren’s golden retriever Bailey — but not by much.
Over-under on the number of lawsuits Attorney General Maura “Hold It” Healey files against Trump: 12.
Over-under on the number of crooked state troopers Healey indicts on criminal charges: two.
Record cold snap in February will be dismissed as “weather.”
Moderate warming in February will be apocalyptically described as “climate change.”
Gov. Charlie Baker will skip the Republican convention because of his “disappointment” with the president.
After awarding themselves Pulitzers for their “deeply reported” stories about what turned out to be a Democrat hoax (Russian collusion), the New York Times and Washington Post follow up by giving themselves more prizes for their deeply reported stories about other nonexistent events (here the crystal ball gets cloudy) – either Sasquatch, the Loch Ness monster, UFO settlements in Area 51, or the increasing numbers of Trump voters abandoning him.
February: Fading in the polls, Sen. Elizabeth Warren will announce that she has taken another DNA test, and is in fact 1/1024th African-American. Or something.
A member of the state Legislature will announce that he will soon begin his … transition.
At a news conference in a small island nation that does not have an extradition treaty with the United States, Hunter Biden endorses his father, while admitting it was a “close call” after Mayor Pete Buttigieg came out for the legalization of cocaine, meth and ecstasy.
New Hampshire’s new online sports gambling commission announces a new weekday game — T Rex (get it?) — in which players can bet on the first MBTA line to break down or suffer a derailment every morning.
The prizes will be tiny, because the odds of winning are so great, so the T Rex game slogan will be, “If you ride the T, you lose every day, but now you can win too!”
Former Fall River Mayor Jasiel Correia takes the State Police exam, passes it with flying colors, is appointed major before even finishing the academy.
“The tradition continues,” gushes a beaming Lt. Gov. Karyn Polito. “To protect and steal!”
March: After losing in Iowa and New Hampshire, Warren announces that she is not only 1/1024th African American, she is actually the last surviving former slave. The Boston Globe runs another slobbering profile about her dog Bailey.
Goodbye, Tom Brady.
April: The stock markets take a brief dip toward correction territory and black, Doomsday headlines announce: “It’s all Trump’s fault.”
May: The markets resume their upward rise. … Crickets.
June: After first indictments of crooked Democrat FBI agents in the Russia hoax, an arrested, goateed G-man tells the court why he lied under oath to frame Republicans: “I had to shred the Constitution in order to save the Constitution.”
Communist-voting ex-CIA boss John Brennan asks Hunter Biden if he has a spare bedroom in his hideaway mansion in the tiny island nation that doesn’t have an extradition treaty with the U.S.
September: In a major upset, low-IQ septuagenarian Sen. Ed Markey defeats Rep. JoJoJo Kennedy in the Democrat Senate primary, propelled to victory by hundreds of thousands of Republicans and independents taking Democrat ballots to finally end the Kennedy Curse in Massachusetts once and for all.
In his stirring acceptance speech to the Democrat convention at the Free Stuff, er, Fiserv Forum in Milwaukee, Sen. Bernie Sanders says, “I’m your nominee because you know that I really believe all this nonsense I’ve been spewing — I’m certifiably insane and I can prove it! I went to the Soviet Union on my honeymoon!”
Sanders’ slogan for the general election campaign: “Make America Venezuela!”
Following Trump’s re-election on Nov. 3, dozens of D-list celebs take to Twitter to profanely announce they’re leaving the United States forever.
But they don’t. They never do, in this or any other year.