Mitt Romney, Thy Name is… Pierre Delecto

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Busted on Sunday for his Twitter nom de twit, Sen. Willard M. Romney whined, “Being called a lurker is a new low.”

No, Willard, being a lurker is the new low.

Obviously, Romney’s official Massachusetts gubernatorial portrait, unveiled at the State House more than a decade ago, is going to need an update. At the very least, the identifying plate at the bottom of the frame will have to be replaced with a new one: “Gov. Pierre Delecto 2003-07.”

Actually, don’t we need a whole new painting? Lose the old one of Willard in his usual gray business suit, hands folded, a small framed photo of his bride beside him on the desk, alongside a copy of his “signature” health-care plan.

Stick that outdated one in the basement – replace it with a stick drawing of Mitt, his jaw clenched in anger, grasping a smart phone in both hands. He – Pierre, that is – is pounding furiously on the keyboard. Next to him on the desk is a piece of paper with Pierre’s scrawled Twitter password, which is probably something along the lines of “fromage.”

Willard has been a rather pathetic figure for quite some time now, but really, this Pierre Delecto nonsense is, as he himself conceded, a new low.

Has anyone ever seen Pierre Delecto and Carlos Danger together in the same room?

Anthony Weiner was employing his nom de perv in a sick attempt to pick up underage girls.

Mitt Romney was trying to respond to the unkind words of… Jennifer Rubin? Mitt, are you serious? Jennifer Rubin? Mitt, as the old country song goes, here’s a quarter, call someone who cares.

Mitt has way too much time on his hands if he’s reading what rabid anti-Trumpers like Jennifer Rubin are penning about him, let alone responds to them. It’s sad – the next thing you know, he’ll be telling us he still reads magazines.

Of course, Rubin had ranted in late May to her literally dozens of readers that Mitt’s dealings with the president were “confrontation verging on spinelessness.”

Spinelessness! I guess the truth hurts, eh Willard?

Monsieur Delecto told Rubin to take a breath and then added, “Maybe you can then acknowledge the people who agree with you in large measure even if not in every measure.”

Mitt fancies himself a warrior. When he returned to Beacon Hill in 2009 for the unveiling of his official portrait, he lauded his staff as “a group of folks who went into foxholes together.”

“Mitt Romney” and “foxholes” – words you’d never expect to see in the same sentence together. If they ever name a street after Romney, it’ll have to be one-way.

Georges Clemenceau, the World War I leader of France, used to say that Germany is either at your throat or at your feet. Donald Trump could say the same of Mitt Romney. He’s either begging Trump for an endorsement (president 2012, Senate 2018) or a job (secretary of state 2016). Or he’s calling you a charlatan and a fraud (2016) or a general disgrace (2019).

But that’s Mitt. If you don’t like his position on something, say abortion, just wait a few minutes. He’s always flip-flopping, I mean, evolving. He’s got more nuances than he has home states – Michigan, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, California and Utah.

You might say Willard has an “utter lack of a moral compass.” At least that’s what “reporter” Soledad O’Brien said about him in June. To which Pierre Delecto tweeted back: “Only Republican to hit Trump on (Mueller) report, only one to hit Trump on character time and again, so Soldead, you think he’s the one without moral compass?”

Has Mitt ever pondered the wisdom of his predecessor in the Corner Office, James Michael Curley, who once said, “Never complain, never explain.”

And never, ever whine.

How did he come up with the handle “Pierre Delecto?” Was Casper Milquetoast taken? Or “weaksister?” “Weathervane,” or maybe “weathervain?” His li’l buddy Paul Ryan probably has his own, but what about “Paul Ryan-o?” Perhaps “legendinhisownmind,” with a number, say,
2024.

Earlier this month, when the Daily Caller mentioned that Romney was calling Trump an “unreliable ally,” Fox News’ Brit Hume snarked back, “Some might say Romney is too.”

Again, the truth wounded Pierre. Delecto wrote back that his alter ego is “loyal to principle.”

Surely he meant to say, “principal.” Maybe Mitt would have more principal, of the political variety, if he had any… principles, of any variety.

And you can quote me on that, or my name isn’t Pierre Delecto.
(Check out Howie’s latest podcasts at howiecarrshow.com.)

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